A little insight into my world

Beauty Marks

2012-02-02T07:22:00.000-08:00

I had a weird thought in the shower this morning. It went something like this: "You are a mole in the hand of God." I'm pretty sure that didn't mean mole as in small burrowing mammal or a spy or a large structure built on the shore serving as a pier. I'm pretty sure it meant, "a small, often slightly raised blemish on the skin made dark by a high concentration of melanin." My first thought was, "Yuck. Who wants to be a possibly malignant blemish?" Then I heard, "Well I meant more like a beauty mark, one that enhances the beauty of One."

Ok, I don't know about you but I think that is AWESOME!

Just the other day I was putting lotion on my hands and I saw a tiny little discoloring on the inside of my middle finger on my left hand. It reminded me of my little girl hands because it's always been there. I like that it's there. It makes me more me. So what if God is saying He likes that we're on the palm of His hand, that our presence there makes Him more Him. We enhance His appearance. Seems impossible. And to us it is. But to Him anything is possible.

It was just a passing thought that took hold of my heart and made me fall just a little more in love with Him. So I had to share.

I Got A Makeover!

2012-01-27T09:22:00.000-08:00

My incredibly gifted friend, Sarah Baker, who lives in Calgary has given my blog a makeover! And I love it! (Have I mentioned lately that I am God's favorite? - and so are you!) Out of the blue she contacted me and BAM! here it is! (Perhaps I've had one too many cups of coffee this morning.)

By the way Sarah and I have never met face to face. She is one of those people that God has connected me to through an internet miracle. There's certainly no other explanation for it! HA! And people think God is not in the miracle business anymore. I laugh! He is all over the place!!

Thank you Sarah!! and Thank you God!!

Going to Heaven

2012-01-26T10:00:00.000-08:00

I spent the last 3 days surrounded by amazing awesomeness at a conference hosted by our TSSM school featuring Graham Cooke and Christa Black. Google them. Get to know them. God is using them along with lots of us, you included, to change the world.

And it continues. Today I had an epiphany as I told a friend the story of one 5 minute extraordinary experience that occurred over this last 3 days. Christa spoke to us on Tuesday afternoon about purified imagination and toward the end of her talk she had her amazing "studhubs", Lucas, come up and lead us through a very cool experience of "going to heaven". There were 3 prompts. 1) Picture Jesus. 2) Receive what He's handing you. 3) Ask Him to see your garden. This is what happened:

I immediately saw Jesus standing before me as a Shepherd - long white robe, long hair, beard, holding a staff. No brainer. As He approached He again handed me a scepter. I say again because He has handed me this same scepter at other times during Soaking. (I think He's trying to get me to "get it". I need to sit with that awhile.) When I asked Him if I could see my garden He instantly became a gardener, dressed in bib overalls and a red plaid shirt (which He just revealed to me as I journaled that He dressed in red because He knows it's my favorite color...sweet!) As He led me away He put his finger to His lips and said, "Shhh, it's a secret". (Another reference to how well He knows me - my favorite story is The Secret Garden. Again, sweet!) As we were walking along an ivy covered wall we came upon an old wooden gate. Jesus reached in his overall pocket, pulled out a big skeleton key, placed it in the enormous keyhole, glanced over at me with a wink and began to slowly open the gate. He swung it aside and grandly gestured for me to enter.

At once I was astounded.

Here I was in my garden. I was surrounded by brilliant color. Each flower was a letter of the alphabet. Leaning in to look closer I realized the leaves were paintbrushes and crayons and markers and pastels and colored pencils. I turned to Him and asked, "What the heck is all this?" And I remembered. He told me once that I would paint pictures with words. And today I know. This is where I will write. Here in my garden with Jesus tending nearby probably whistling my new favorite song, "The King Is Here". And I am amazed at His extreme goodness.

Change

2012-01-14T06:24:00.000-08:00

When people ask me what I do I tell them I'm perfecting the Art of Being. It's a big job but someone's got to do it. I'm certainly not there yet. Mostly I realize I've perfected the art of killing time. But then, every once in awhile moments happen that take my breath away and I know that this is why I was created. This is a (for lack of a better word) blurb I wrote a few years ago which somewhat describes what I'm trying to say.

CHANGE

A wise man once told me that nothing changes ifnothing changes.

Once there was a place. This place was bustling with people in and out all day doingbusiness. It was a very busy placefull of busy people. They all knewtheir importance because, after all, they were very busy. Some of them were busy planning, somewere busy discussing plans, some were busy meeting, some were busy testing,some were busy reporting test results, some were busy selling, some were busybuying; and the list goes on and on. One day one of the busy people realized she really didn’t like bustlingabout being busy and least of all having to bustle about looking busy when shereally wasn’t busy at all.

After this realization took place she came uponanother realization. There didn’tseem to be any real purpose to all this busyness other than to create morebusyness. Was anyone here happy?Was anyone here at peace? Wasanyone here reaching out and touching anyone else? Occasionally that sort of thing took place and momentarilythe lights seemed to shine a little bit brighter – but then everyone would getbusy and they would dim again. Itbecame fascinating to watch. Finally the day came when she wasn’t amused anymore by this emptybusyness and she changed. She saidgoodbye and she really meant it.

Several years passed and many changes occurred inthe life of this now not so very busy person. She became calmer, more serene. She worked on issues inside herself and helped herfriends. An amazing thing washappening. She began to see thingsdifferently. Where once she sawthings in gray tones they were becoming more vibrant, more colors were beingadded all the time. Things she hadnever noticed before because she’d always been so busy began to fascinateher. The sun actually rose and setin vivid pinks, blues and oranges. Flowers became individual shapes. Rocks took on new life. Leaves carried on conversations in the wind. Water laughed and giggled. Animals smiled back at her as she noticed delightfulsoftness in their faces. Sheeptook on a whole new meaning, as did shepherding. Children became short people with many wise thoughts toshare. Dust suddenly becameunimportant yet rather interesting as it accumulated.

But words were by far the most marvelous things shediscovered. Words could share,they could heal, and they could bring great happiness or deep despair. Their mysteries were unraveling as shegleaned more wisdom from their structure and the study of how they could beused to build up or destroy. Thepower these long overlooked creatures wielded astounded her and drew her in tobefriend her. She became more blessedand her awareness of this blessedness grew.

She experienced many gifts, the greatest of whichwas companionship. You see, in allof the marvels she was discovering there was one constant factor. This Presence was both sheep andshepherd; king and servant; fullness and glowing emptiness envisioned at atomb; Father and Mother; teacher and friend; lover and a firm hand ofdiscipline; childlike yet strong. There were many facets, but most dazzling was the faithfulness of thisnew center of her life. He wasalways there. Nothing she diddissuaded this Presence from pursuing her which brought about tremendousrelief. She never wanted to bebusy again.

Then one day she ventured back to the busyplace. There didn’t seem to be asmany busy people there but the busy people there seemed busier than ever. They smiled the same smiles. They said the same words. They sat in the same chairs at the samedesks among the same stacks of paper. The same rule applied – stay busy. The very air seemed the same and she realized she couldn’t breathe. Once again she said goodbye and ran out the door into the brilliant, warm sunlight. As she ran she said a prayer of thanks for her freedom and aprayer of love for those she left behind that they would one day join her in thelight.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. We each make thechoice.

By the way, I'm not saying you have to quit your job to find this place. I'm just saying that's what it took for me. May you find those moments of overwhelming joy and complete serenity in your life today.

2012-01-03T05:53:00.000-08:00

I have so many things going thru my mind right now. I received this in an email today:

"I promised a land to Abraham and his successors. There were enemies in the land that had to be defeated. Some battles were won and some were lost. The reasons for victories were because My instructions were followed. Likewise the reasons for defeats were because My instructions were not followed. In fact in some instances I wasn't asked. You too have been given a land. There are also enemies in your land that must be defeated. Specific battles are now before you. Do not focus on what and how others need to win their battles. Focus on your battle. For victory ask Me. How? Listen to what I say and obey me. Joshua 6:20"

Then I read this news article. Trust me. They're connected.

I believe the land I've been called to is a land of Purity. Purity of heart. Purity of body. Purity of mind. And on and on. Purity. Freedom from contamination. I know my battlefield and unfortunately I know too well my enemy. But I also know my Victor and the incredible healing power of freedom. And I'm going there.

I know I'm onto something here because of how difficult it was to get this posted correctly. I am not afraid!

It's a New Day!

2011-12-31T22:53:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm up. It's quiet. Why not blog? Maybe I've formed a habit. Who knows? I figured this is as good a time as any to reveal my word for 2012, which is...

Several weeks ago I had a chat with God and told him it's about time to start asking for a word for 2012. I immediately heard - "hope". As simple as that. I was kind of disappointed. I wanted something exciting - like 29 or "wonder" or "miracle" or something amazing. But everywhere I turned. Everything I read. Everything I heard was about hope. Confirmation all over the place. So, hope it is. And I'm beginning to get excited about the prospect of hope.

From the dictionary:

hope |hōp|
nouna feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen • a person or thing that may help or save someone • grounds for believing that something good may happen
And from the Thesaurus: 1 I had high hopes: aspiration, desire, wish,expectation, ambition, aim, goal, plan,design; dream, daydream, pipe dream.2 a life filled with hope: hopefulness,optimism, expectation, expectancy;confidence, faith, trust, belief, conviction,assurance; promise, possibility.
Sounds like the makings of a great year to me!
So what's your word for 2012? Have you asked for one yet? Do it! It's fun and fascinating. And let me know. Leave me a comment. I'd love to hear what God has in store for you this year.

29

2011-12-31T16:52:00.000-08:00

This is it. My last blog post of 2011 - #29. I did it! It's been a blogging frenzy the last couple of weeks but hey, whatever it takes!

My word for 2011 was "29". This number has meant a lot to me for years now. I'm not sure why but God has used it over and over to give things meaning and to show me He's here. I love that. I wish I could remember exactly when it started, but to give it to me as my word for 2011 has been incredibly cool. I love that about Him. He knows exactly what will have meaning to each of us - individually.

Here are a couple of things I found as 2011 is coming to an end that I think are super cool:

29 Ways to Stay Creative - try it - it's really cool!

And then I learned this:

Yep! It takes 29 toothpicks to spell out TWENTY NINE. How cool is that?

Not only is 29 a fascinating number but it's a lot of fun!

Happy New Year!

The Last Day

2011-12-31T07:35:00.000-08:00

Today is the last day of 2011. It's been quite a year. I had an amazing adventure I never dreamed possible in June when we went to Israel! I was the recipient of a miracle on March 30 (see 10/7/11 post). I have been blessed to be trusted which an overwhelming reality. Our precious Molly died in August. Now there's a story for you. I think I'll go there.

We moved into our house in October, 1999. As close as we can determine we think Molly wandered up and kept us on August 29, 2000. Geoff was out in the front yard watering the new grass when this giant white dog walked up to him and just stood there. He was so surprised. He checked her collar (found her name was Sassy), put her in the backyard and came into the house to call her owner. Their number was disconnected. We kept her in the backyard overnight and the next day Geoff called the vet on her dog tag. He knew exactly who she was and who her owner was and said he'd call him at his office and give him our contact information so he could get her. He never called.

By Friday we were thinking this is a pretty great dog but she's so big and so hairy there's no way we can keep her. We knew a friend who had two Great Pyrenees dogs and had just lost one. We called them and they said they'd take her. Two nights later Geoff couldn't stand it anymore. He couldn't stop thinking about that big white dog. So he called up our friends and asked if there was any way we could have her back. They reluctantly agreed. She really was a great dog.

First things first, we had to change that name. I could not own a dog named Sassy. So we renamed her Molly. She responded brilliantly. I think she knew she was home. Then we took her to the vet to have her checked out only to find she was pregnant. Oboy. Puppies just in time for Christmas.

They were born on October 17, 2000 during the third debate between George Bush and Al Gore in the garage without a sound. We put Molly in the garage at around 8:30 because of a terrible storm and when we checked her around 10:30 there were 5 puppies. No mess. Just puppies. Amazing. Dog.

That was tons of fun having puppies around. They were very obviously mixed breed as some of them were brown so we determined to find them good homes, which worked out beautifully. The following years with Molly were sweet. She really was the best dog ever. She didn't lick. She didn't jump on you. She did bark. She did shed. She did dig. She wasn't perfect but she was so good. She died on August 26, 2011 - three days shy of 11 years to the day. From 8/29/00-8/26/11 she was a huge part of our family. We really miss her.

I could tell Molly stories for days but instead I'll post some of the faces of Molly. She was so much fun to photograph. I have tons of them. I'm glad I do.

Knitting...

2011-12-30T04:49:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking lately about what "you knit me together in my mother's womb" means. The phrase has been stuck in my mind (or maybe it's in my heart). It brings about a sense of awe and I have to admit it brings about some remorse still to this day. I'll start with the awe.

I've done a little knitting. Very little. As you get comfortable it can become a mindless practice - doing the same stitch over and over. Then just when you think you've got it down, you may drop a stitch or some such thing and the next thing you know you're unravelling in an effort to correct the mistake. At least that's how I knit. :o) The lesson here is you have to pay attention to what you're creating. That's been my experience with the very simple knitting I do to make a very simple scarf.

You can create amazingly beautiful things if you know what you're doing and if you step out of the box and into the world of many stitches. There are 45,400,000 images for knitting on google! You wouldn't believe what people have knitted. There are 185 different stitches listed in the Library of Knitting Stitches found here. That's amazing. Those are just the ones humans have figured out. Imagine what God can do in a mother's womb.

Now think about the possibility of Him creating you - knitting you together - into a beautiful masterpiece where He has paid attention to every stitch - deciding exactly what to do next to make you the only you. Unique. Original. Perfectly you. Like no other. You are the only you there is in the world. Isn't that incredible? He only made one of you. You are not mass produced. You are His original, unique, most amazing creation. Kind of makes you look at pregnant women a little differently, doesn't it? Like I said...Awe inducing.

Funny thing. The remorse is gone. I can't even go there right now. I'm overwhelmed with the love that He pours out over each one of us. And the forgiveness. He is so sweet. He loves us so much. Overwhelming.

Word for the Year

2011-12-28T09:08:00.000-08:00

Two blog posts in one day! New record!

I remembered that it's time to ask God for your new word for 2012 so I thought I'd remind anyone who plays this game with me. My word for 2011 was "29". Not a word but fascinating nonetheless. I've really enjoyed watching how God has used this word/number this last year.

I've already gotten my word for next year. It's amazing how I ask and a word pops in my head and then it shows up everywhere. That's what happened again this year. I'll reveal it soon. (I like a little drama now and then.) Meanwhile, ask God for your word - the word the two of you share for the new year and then sit back and watch Him astound you.

More Than Enough

2011-12-28T05:49:00.000-08:00

I'm learning that with God there is always enough and more often than not there is more than enough. I'm starting to trust that truth more and more.

When I was growing up we didn't have a lot. We lived in a small house that seemed just right though I found out later it was on the "wrong side" of town. My dad preached at a mission in downtown Colorado Springs. It was called The Whosoever Will Mission. It had a neon sign and right next door was a bar. I have so many memories of that place. We even served soup out of the kitchen in the back room. Seriously. He was also a produce man at Safeway. One time he worked for Goodwill. I remember going there and picking out books. I loved it. But that's a whole other blog.

My point is that even though we had little it was always enough - or more than enough. I remember my mom always worried about money. My dad would say, "The Lord will provide!" Enthusiastically! He was always excited to see just how that would look.

I heard my dad.

On Christmas morning as we were putting together the meals (see previous post) we had one bag of cheese . Eight cups. We added cheese to every breakfast burrito - 80 of them. There was so much egg filling left we filled up 25-30 "to go" containers. Every one of those meals we put together had cheese added to it - from that one bag of cheese. And we had cheese left over. That is God. We also had two untouched egg casseroles left over too! We took them to Hope Haven. Mark 6:42-44

Here they are - a bit blurry - our "more than enough". God is good. All the time.

Christmas Morning 2011

2011-12-27T07:26:00.000-08:00

We started off Christmas Day differently this year. I hope it will become a tradition.

There is an amazing woman named Jenn in my TSSM class. She was the heart and brains behind this venture. Last year when she heard that there was no hot breakfast served in Abilene for the homeless, her little family of four (with a 1 year old and a 3 year old!) and another couple made hot breakfasts and served them out of their van. This year she had the use of a church kitchen and a group of volunteers who came together at 6:00 am prepared with hot breakfast "casseroles" and tortillas. We made an assembly line with Christmas music blaring and sacked up over 100 hot breakfasts. Then we waited thinking people would come to us. It turns out they didn't, so we divided up the sacks and set out to serve. That's when things got interesting.

There were 3 of us in our car - Geoff, Jordan (our amazing "daughter we never had") and me. We had about 20 breakfast bags and bottles of juice. We set out to find people who might need something to eat. They were there but they weren't that easy to find. We drove all over and eventually ended up downtown. There we found people just walking around. Individually. Not in pairs or groups. Just walking. It was eye-opening. Here were these precious people just walking - with nowhere to really go - on Christmas Day. We would drive up and offer them a breakfast bag and juice. They were so grateful. And then we met Cliff. He was walking across a church parking lot. He wanted to talk. He was the only person we met that asked us for anything. And he asked us for plastic sacks. Plastic sacks! We only had one that didn't have a hole in it already. He told us how valuable the sacks were to him. Plastic sacks! He told us how it felt to need a warm place to sit down and how IHOP would let you do that if you didn't doze off. But if you dozed off they would ask you to leave. IHOP is miles from where we saw Cliff. He walked there. We tried to imagine what it would be like if we had to do that. We couldn't. He stunned us.

Then there were the very cool people we met out in front of The Salvation Army. They had such joy! They were so happy to see us and interact for just a few minutes - coming over to the car and wishing us Merry Christmas and blessing us!

Our eyes were opened Christmas morning. All these people have been walking around Abilene for years and I never saw them before. Well, I saw them but I never really SAW them. I confess that until Sunday morning, December 25, 2011, I was simply appeasing my own need to give when I handed someone a few dollars on the street corner. Now I will see people who have a story to tell, and they have something to give me. There is something to be learned from interactions with people who have a story - every time. And we all have a story - every one of us.

A Hay in the Manger

2011-12-23T13:17:00.000-08:00

Occasionally I find myself sitting around thinking weird thoughts (which I think I've mentioned before). At least I think they're weird. Maybe some of you think like this too. Lately I've been thinking about hay - and the manger in the whole story of Jesus' birth. If hay could talk (or think for that matter)...

Imagine you are hay. You've been growing out in a field, enjoying the sunshine and occasional rain shower. You're getting taller and stronger by the day. And then someone comes along and cuts you off at the knees. Just like that. Life as you know it is over. You're thrown in with all the other freshly cut hay and hauled off - away from your glorious sunny field. You're crammed together with all the other hay and stored in a dark cool place, laying there left to wonder what could possibly go wrong next. Some time later you find yourself in a stable (or maybe its a cave) being thrown in a pile with all of your now very close friends. (Hay, like people, grow close and form bonds when they are thrown into difficult situations together. I'm sure of it.) You're not aware what this place is until you look over and see that there are animals everywhere. Panic sets in. You've heard the murmurings of your friends as they passed on what they'd heard happens here. You start to put it together and realize the end is near.

Suddenly the atmosphere shifts. A door opens and light appears. The animals sense the change too. They stop their incessant chewing and look over as a woman and her husband enter. The man gathers up some of your friends to form a place where the woman can lay down. She is about to give birth. Some time later, after all the tension and worry and crying out and labor is over you are gathered up and placed into the manger - the feed trough. This time though you are not being placed there to be dinner. You have been chosen as a place of rest. You become aware that you are in the presence of glory. How would hay know this? It's simple. The whole earth cries out for His return today so when He was placed upon you on that first day, you knew Him. After all you came from the earth. By this time all the animals are gathered about mooing, bleating and neighing in a glorious chorus of a lullaby. You are content. You are chosen. Your mission is complete. You have seen Jesus and nothing else matters.

20 Years Ago Today

2011-12-22T20:26:00.000-08:00

December 22, 1991...Elliott Max Gilbert was born at 3:20 pm. Right about now (7:00 am) I was in the hospital waiting on my epidural and more importantly his arrival! I didn't get the epidural until 12:30 and 3 hours later - there he was in all his amazingness. That's a day I'll never forget. Ever. My dearest friends Squeaky and Cindy were there with Geoff and I. We had talked about and planned for this child to be born for months. We had no idea if it was a girl or a boy but we were prepared with names for either gender. Zoe for a girl. Max for a boy. For months we had called him Zoe/Max. When he was born Squeaky yelled out - It's a Max! What a great moment! What a great day! What a great human being!

There are lots of great stories about the day Max was born and just after. He is a great story. His life is such a blessing. His joy is contagious. His passion is unbounded. He loves deeply. He stores the wisdom of the ages in his heart. His destiny is for good. I've never known any guy who feels as deeply as Max feels. Hurts really hurt. Even those hurts that are not his but belong to others hurt him deeply. When he figures out what to do with all those feelings and passion the world better watch out because it will change. There is no way a passion like this can be set free and not change something.

(I meant to post this early this morning but I got distracted and then the internet connection was lost. It's now 10:24 pm and it's been a wonderful day of celebrating Max. I love him.)

96 Years Ago Today

2011-12-21T07:05:00.000-08:00

If my dad were still alive he would have been 96 today. That is an amazing thought. He died in April 2010. He was 94.

Some of the things I learned from my dad:

Always expect a miracle.
God is love.
Love others because God loves you.
How Great Thou Art is not just a song - it's a way of life - Praise Him.
Embrace the beauty around you and whenever possible capture it on film.
Experience wonder. It's all around you.
Sing loud even if you can't sing well.
Dance even if no one else feels like it.
Laugh until you cry - then laugh some more.
Read the Bible - it really is the bread of life.
Never let anyone get by you without knowing they are loved.
See people. Really see people. Use their names whenever possible, i.e. if they're wearing a nametag.
Give and receive forgiveness.
Write a letter every day - maybe 10 if you have time.
Remember birthdays.
Grow things. Dig in the dirt. Cultivate worms.
Play with squirrels.
Discover new truths - ask God to reveal Himself to you in fresh ways.
Recycle everything.
God always provides. Trust Him.
Worry never solved anything.

Oh how I love this man. I miss him today.

O Lord my God
When I in awesome wonder
Consider all the worlds
Thy hands have made
I see the stars
I hear the rolling thunder
Thy power throughout the universe displayed.

Then sings my soul
My Savior God to Thee
How Great Thou Art
How Great Thou Art
Then sings my soul
My Savior God to Thee
How Great Thou Art
How Great Thou Art

Repeat after me...

2011-12-14T06:06:00.000-08:00

How cool would it be if God wanted to use your voice or pen to say something to someone? Would you be open to the possibility?

I'm learning to do just that in this really cool school I'm a part of called Transformation School of Supernatural Ministry (TSSM). I attend on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons for 5 hours. We watch challenging DVDs out of Bethel Church in Redding, CA, we read fascinating books, we go out into the community every Thursday and try to hear what God is saying and say it or see what He is doing and do it and we talk about God and what He's doing in our lives and in the lives around us. But we also practice on each other. Amazing things happen when we stop and listen. A truth spoken to your heart from God has the potential to change everything.

I stopped and asked God just now what He would say to you. This is what I heard:

"You are hearing a constant hum in the background of your life. This is me child. I am here."

I hope that helps.

The Basics

2011-12-11T07:41:00.001-08:00

Does it seem like you're surrounded by bad news? Man, it does around here. There is so much sadness and downright evil brewing in the world today. I'm not one to dwell on that stuff much (see previous post) but I know people who do and they post it a lot on the social networks, putting it out there to draw everyone else in. So what do you do when it feels like the world is in your face? I go back to the basics.

God is good. satan is bad. I won't even capitalize his name. he is that small.

But GOD...now that's a different story. God embodies all things good - love, joy, peace, gentleness, kindness, words of life, arms of comfort, eyes of adoration, honor, acceptance, loyalty, excellence, trustworthiness, hugs, health, devotion, value, forgiveness, strength, security, delight. I could go on and on but suffice it to say, if it's good, it's God.

Now satan comes to steal, kill and destroy everything good about you. he comes to destroy the good God stuff in you. So if something's going on in your life that wreaks of evil and meanness and makes you feel bad about yourself or someone else, you can count on it being the voice of his very smallness. The only power he has over us is the power we give him through our choices, our words, our actions that choose bad over good.

So you can control that stuff. You can choose to believe the lies in your head or those being spoken by someone at you or you can choose NOT to believe them. Just say it. "I don't received that." You can even ask yourself who is telling you that - I assure you if it's negative it is not God. You can saturate yourself in the bad awful news going on in the world around you or you can simply say, I have no control over that but YOU do God so please work Your good in that situation. And here's the cool thing. God can take absolutely anything satan meant for evil and turn it to good. Sometimes He uses us to do it. It's so cool to partner with God.

I needed to hear all this again today so maybe someone else did too. Thought I'd share.

This Too Shall Pass...

2011-12-04T10:22:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting at home with Christmas music playing. The tree is up with lights but no ornaments yet. The mantle is finished. The nutcrackers are out. And I'm sick. Literally. Head and chest congestion, cough, on and off sore throat, headache. The crud. I'm on an antibiotic, have used the neti pot multiple times and laid low for 2 days. I've had so many cups of hot tea its lost its appeal. I'm tired of missing out on the cool stuff. I'm so ready to be feeling better. And I know I will. This too shall pass. I suppose I'm just having a little pity party. Ok, I'm over it.

"This too shall pass". These are very wise words I learned in my years in Alanon. Do you ever find yourself in a low place and think you'll never get out of it. Here's the good news...This too shall pass. Sometimes I think everything in life is a phase, like when Max was little. Just when we finally figured him out a new phase would kick in and we'd start all over. My very wise friend, Lynette, would tell me - this too shall pass. And you know what? She was right.

So if there's something going on in your life that has you perplexed or low or any myriad of other places, just remember "this too shall pass". Honestly you won't stay there forever. This is also true of the good stuff. So savor every moment of life - good or bad, mediocre or fabulous - and be ready for it all to change. It may take minutes. It may take weeks. It may take years but it will pass.

A Sunday Night @ The Palm House

2011-11-28T07:29:00.000-08:00

Last night I showed up to lend a hand at The Palm House. On Sunday nights we feed the neighbors. I'm not usually involved in this but they needed help and called me in. They've been having up to 40 people. Last night was a little slow. We only had 11 come by but what I experienced was Community. We had 7 kids ranging in age from 5-16 years old all sitting at one table together (the kid table!) having a ball eating hamburgers/hot dogs and chowing cookies. But it was the other table that held me in fascination.

A man came in that had never been there before. He told us he was homeless and had been living in an abandoned house for the last two years. He is disabled from an accident from which he's awaiting yet another surgery. He can't go through with the surgery until he has a place to recuperate in - that's when the cool stuff began to happen. I watched a most amazing woman sit with him and go through the mound of paperwork he brought in from his car in an effort to try to make some sense of the red tape he was facing. She assured him she would make some phone calls to see if she could get him some assistance. That's when he said, "I really appreciate it. I'm a black man, ya know. Nobody listens to me. They just want to scam me." So here he is handing over his problem to a white woman and trusting her to find a way. And now he has an advocate. But it didn't stop there. After she got up two of the men who help sat with him and began to listen. Another guy who comes regularly for the meal on Sundays got up and quietly left in the midst of this conversation. About 10 minutes later he came back in with a piece of paper he had written 4 or 5 names and phone numbers on. He went over him, leaned in and explained who they were and how they could help him. Then he sat down and they all talked for awhile longer. There they were - four men listening to one who has felt unheard. Amazing.

Before

After

This's what The Palm House is all about. This is what our vision was for this house - that it would be a place where stories were told and people were heard. That a community would form and restoration and healing would become commonplace. We prayed over our new friend and after he left we prayed once again over the house, asking God to continue what He has begun there. It was a really cool night. I left there more blessed than when I arrived.

The Past vs. The Present

2011-11-26T11:47:00.000-08:00

I wake up to the most interesting thoughts. Sometimes it's an urge to pray for someone in particular, other days it's the tail end of a dream. At times it's a simple thought, such as "you walk in divinity" that will stick with me all day long. This morning I woke up thinking, "Blog this..." Then I had a conversation with a friend that confirmed it. I know this is for someone out there so here goes.

(As I hesitated to begin I heard in my music, "nothing's going to steal my joy". LOVE THAT! Strengthened...)

I was married at the age of 18 to a guy I didn't really know. I thought I knew his family but there were things I didn't know that would have made a difference in my choice. Or not. I was 18. I thought I knew everything. His sister-in-law who was my closest friend and mentor tried to tell me but she just couldn't. It was too close and too horrible for her to come right out with it. Instead she tried to get me not to marry him but I was so desperate to be a part of this family that I couldn't hear her.

He was a marine so at first he was in infantry training and we couldn't live together. Then he was transferred to Oceanside, CA and I moved out there so we could begin this "life". That's when the horror began. I was totally isolated from anyone and everyone I knew and loved. He became this monster that was emotionally and verbally abusive to me. Amazingly he never hit me. Many times he would raise his hand to do so but never followed through. Tearing me down became recreation to him. His own past and his family "training" played a big part in this. He was living in a world of men and I did not fit in. He had a part-time job that he kept from me until one day he decided I needed to know what he was doing. So he took me to meet his "co-workers". He was a driver - for call girls. Seriously? He lived in a world I couldn't comprehend. He didn't like that I couldn't. And he tried to bring it home. That's all I'll say about that. I thank God to this day that I was strong enough to get out of that mess. That's a story in itself but the point here is now, not then.

Fast forward to today. I was Soaking about 2 years ago when a picture of that apartment popped into my head and there I was cowering on the floor with him standing over me yelling, arm raised as if to attack me. I'd learned enough to know that there is a reason that memory came to me. So I asked Jesus, "Where were you in that place?" And I IMMEDIATELY saw Him standing behind this guy holding his arm back. The look on Jesus' face was of pure love. He was so sad but so much in love with me. How I wish I'd seen or known that then. I had walked away from God but He had never left me. Not for a minute. That's when the healing began. I began to forgive the guy, forgive myself and receive the love God had for me even then.

I walked away from that time of Soaking refreshed, renewed and filled with love. It really is that simple. I do not live in the past. It has no power over me. This has not always been the case but I can say that today with no hesitation. I am free! You can be free too. Just ask Him to show you. He will. He loves you that much.

Thanksgiving Aftermath

2011-11-25T07:52:00.000-08:00

Another successful family of choice gathering down! What a fun day. We had 15 people over for dinner. HAHA I just put "15 people for dinner" - caught myself. No wonder I was so full! Ahh the glory of syntax! But it was a great day.

I was thinking today how my "word" for the year is 29 and wondering about its significance. It was our 29th anniversary this year - which is so cool. Then I remembered how I thought I would blog 29 times this year. I haven't - but I still could! So I'm going to try. It will be a stretch but it might just make a great habit to get into. I've posted 14 times this year. This is number 15. So I have 14 more to write. I can do it! It's a blog-a-thon! I'm kind of excited about this. Hopefully they'll have some deep or not so deep significance and not rambling like I'm doing right now.

It has been amazing how many times 29 has popped up this year. It's been fun. And many of those times God was right in the middle of it. He's awesome like that.

By the way, it's about time to start asking for a new word for 2012.

Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T05:53:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year again already. That went by fast. This year we're taking things a little more slowly and doing it the easy way which I think is brilliant! We had someone else make the turkey, dressing, yams, asparagus, fruit salad, rolls, pumpkin pies, truffles, etc. Yes I said truffles. Catered! How cool is that? So I'm heating things up and making a green bean casserole. Others are bringing mashed potatoes, pies, and snacking stuff. This is awesome! And I am thankful!

I love this day because we get to spend it with Family of Choice - people God put in our lives that become just like family. I love how He does that. We're mixing 3 families today. One family we've known for 29 years. They were the first people we met when we moved here to Abilene. They took Geoff and I in on every holiday we were in town. It has been a blast to spend these holidays with them. The other family is one we've just recently gotten to know but we've become fast friends. They spent last Thanksgiving with us and here they are again! I love that. And to top it off one of my new friends from the school I'm auditing (Transformation School of Supernatural Ministry!) is coming too. It should be an amazing day!

One year we had our "family" and college students from Trinidad and Jamaica and China. That was a blast. And it snowed! They loved it. These are great memories.

I have great memories of Thanksgiving growing up too. My mom's family is huge. We all spent the day together - grandma, aunts, uncles, tons of cousins. Those were good days.

So today I'm thankful for family and family of choice that make life all that more abundant. And abundance is the way Thanksgiving should be - after all we have an awful lot to be thankful for. I know I do.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Dance

2011-11-11T05:53:00.000-08:00

I found this picture somewhere on the internet and something about it struck home for me. How many people do I walk by everyday and miss the dance? I am not a dancer. But I want to dance. I want to move and flow with the lives around me.

Tomorrow is the beginning of the West Texas Girls Conference. Six hundred girls from 6th - 12th grade will converge on Abilene, TX. The theme this year is "Journey". It refers to this journey we're on and how our stories interact with others and with God. This is a great opportunity to engage in the dance.

I am manning the Poetry and Doodling room along with my friend Lauren Cunningham. It will be a blast to see who is drawn in there and what they create when they get there. There are ten other options for them to experience so it will be a place they want to be. Plus we'll get to create our own doodles and poetry which should be interesting!

For so many years - especially from 6th to 12th grade - I watched the dance going on around me. I was the quintessential wallflower. I know exactly how it feels to be invisible and to wish with all your heart you would be asked to join in the dance. I also know what it's like to be so desperate to get into the dance that you'll accept any invitation that comes your way. And it sucks. I think I'll see things and these young women in a much different way this year because I took the time to look at this photograph and ponder it.

Reminiscing

2011-10-28T14:49:00.000-07:00

I found out that when you google "candy corn in England" one of my old blog posts pops up as the second entry. Go figure. So I clicked on it and was taken back to a post from 2007.

It reminded me AGAIN of how amazing God has been in my life over the last 10 years. It's a silly little story about candy corn but it was huge to me then and it still is mainly because anytime my day to day humdrum life collides with God, my faith intensifies and I become a force to be reckoned with and satan doesn't like that very much and I'm all about anything that makes him squirm. (whew! that was a long sentence!) So, anyway, enjoy if you're so inclined.

http://candygilbert.blogspot.com/2007/10/candy-corn.html

Miracles

2011-10-07T07:51:00.000-07:00

I was going to keep this blog updated this year. Now it's October. Oops. It's been quite a year so far. I realized I never wrote about my miracle back in March. So here goes...

I think it all began on Sunday, March 20th. All day I had this nagging pain. I sat around with a heating pad hoping that would do the trick. I went to bed that night praying God would remove it. When I woke up on Monday I felt fine. I was very thankful. Until I sneezed. And doubled over in pain, broke out in a cold sweat and thought I was going to pass out. Thank God Geoff was still home. We headed out to the minor emergency clinic where we signed in and sat down in the crowded waiting room, wondering how long that would take. Long story short we decided we could get in to our real doctor faster than we could get in there so we called and headed over there. By 10:00 I was doing blood work, drinking weird stuff and waiting for a CT scan with Geoff right by my side. I love that man.

At 1:00 the doctor's office called and asked us to come in and talk about the results at 3:00. By this time I was feeling so much better I told Geoff I could handle it and he could go on to work. But the doctor called and told him they wanted him there too. That was the only point in the whole timeline that I lost my peace - for a minute. Then it was back. So at 3:00 we were sitting with the doctor and he was telling us that I had a 4 inch cystic mass and I needed to see a gynecologist. I had been using him for all that stuff so we asked him who he would send his wife to and that's when Robert Ogdee entered my life. They called to get me an appointment with him and he said send her right over. Amazing. He looked at the CT scan results and did a sonogram right then. He was amazed that I hadn't felt that thing sooner. They were unable to tell what the thing was attached to - uterus, ovary, colon. He wanted to do a couple more blood tests for ovarian cancer and colon cancer markers before we jumped in and started taking things out. He wanted to have an oncologist in the OR if there was any chance he would be needed and he wouldn't know that without those tests. So I ended the day with more blood work and a chest x-ray.

Those tests came back with a slightly elevated ovarian cancer marker and negative for colon cancer for which I was highly grateful! Surgery was scheduled for the following Wednesday, March 30th. And yes, he did decide to have an oncologist present. That was a long weekend!

A few days before the surgery I woke up one morning and as I laid there I asked God what it was going to look like in the OR. I had a vision of myself laying on the table and as Dr. Ogdee made the first cut Holy Spirit was released in the room along with an intensely bright light. And then I saw them - the angels - dancing. All over the place. It was like they were having a party in there! I asked God what the light meant. I distinctly heard that it was His healing light. Now that is a great way to go into surgery! I actually became very excited about the whole thing! And much to Geoff's chagrin I told several people we came into contact with through the pre-op process. It was a blast to watch their reactions. I even had one nurse ask if she could put me on her prayer list. Uh. Yes! So cool!!

I had complete peace from this point on. Complete. Peace.

I'd like to say the party went off without a hitch but this is what I've been told happened in that OR. First of all - satan was defeated! Here's how it looked in the natural: When they got in there they realized they had underestimated the size of the mass and had to extend the incision in order to get it out. It turned out to be more like 9 inches by 4 inches. They had been looking at the end of it. Once it was removed they took a good look at it (gross, I know) and saw one patch on it that looked suspicious. The oncologist said, "there it is" and my amazing Dr. Ogdee replied, "NO!" (At that very moment he agreed with heaven and I believe that was when my miracle took place and the angels started their dance!) They did whatever they do to test it right then and sure enough it was NOT malignant!! HALLELUJAH! Praise the LORD! They finished up and sent me off to the Recovery Room. Dr. Ogdee went out and told Geoff and Squeaky what happened and the results and recovery began.

Now the one thing I haven't mentioned in the story is the best part. Remember that sheep tattoo I got on December 30th? I had more fun with that guy through this whole process. Every time I went to someone new for blood work (3 different times), the CT scan guy, the Pre-Op nurse, AND Dr. Ogdee, I was asked if that thing was real and why a sheep. I got to tell them how I was found, how Jesus came after me just like the sheep in the Parable of the Lost Sheep because He loved me so much. When Dr. Ogdee came to see me in the hospital he told me the last thing he did before the surgery started was tell everyone in the OR my story of the sheep. How cool is that??!! And then on my followup visit I told him about my vision and how I believed when he said "No!" he agreed with heaven and in that moment I was healed and The Miracle took place. I wish you could have seen his face. I love that man. He's my hero. I believe God has huge plans for him in His Kingdom!

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. God is amazing. I love Him so much. He has literally touched me. I am so grateful for the people He put in my path and in my life during that whole experience. All those who prayed, loved on me and my family by bringing food, visiting me, sending me cool stuff, facebook messages, etc. You are all precious to me. But more importantly you are all precious to Him. Thank you again.

And 8 weeks later I went to Israel where I sat by the Sea of Galilee early one morning and thanked God for my healing and for Dr. Ogdee and for all of you.

I didn't know it then but my friend, Marla, was also out and she snapped this photo:

How cool is that? Does the coolness every stop??

I Am A Sheep

2011-07-27T05:04:00.000-07:00

That's my religious view - my lean - my claim. I follow. I need to be led. I need to be protected. I need to be fed. I need to be watered. I need to be sheared again and again. I need to be calmed. I need to rest.

I have been found. I completely recognize myself as that sheep that strayed. My Shepherd came for me. He found me. He brought me back to His heart. I love Him. He's my everything. He fills me. He completes me. His heart beats for me. My heart beats for Him. I know His voice. He guides me.

I want more. Because I know with my Shepherd there is always more. And He knows exactly when to set it before me - when I'll be ready to receive it. There have been times when I didn't take it even though He knew I was ready. I regret those times I thought I wasn't ready. Who would I be today? But He embodies grace. He knows me. He knows my heart. He knows my longing. He knows my deepest desire is for Him. And He adores me. I adore Him. I worship Him. Without Him I am nothing.

It seems so simple. I feel like a child as I write it. I like that.

Sozo

2011-07-13T07:21:00.000-07:00

On Monday I turn 55. So does my brother, Randy. We're twins. I don't think we couldn't be any more different. Randy is artistically talented beyond my wildest imaginings. (Don't get me wrong. I know I'm creative but in very different ways but that knowing has been a long time coming.) When we were very young we would sit in church and pass a piece of paper back and forth. One of us would squiggle a line on it and the other had to make something out of the squiggle. I would do some basic, barely recognizable something or other and Randy would inevitably make it into some elaborate mountain scene or animal or person doing something. It would always amaze me what he could do with a squiggle. That's the only reason I participated. I wanted to see what he would come up with next. But the whole exercise made me feel inferior. (I renounce that lie and break agreement with it right now!) I have always admired his talent.

The summer before we were seniors in high school we moved to a new state, new city, new house. We were told we could paint our rooms any color we wanted. Randy wanted his black. The parents said no. I can't remember what color he ended up with but I think it was white. Mine was baby blue with white trim. I loved that room even though I hated living there and I was mighty angry about the whole situation. Still, that room felt like a haven. I spent a whole lot of time in it listening to the Carpenters sing "Rainy Days and Mondays". My life felt like a rainy Monday.

That was 38 years ago. It's funny how you can take yourself back to a time and a place and feel the same feelings, experience the same distress. I'm going to let myself go there for a minute. I felt like my life had fallen apart. I was so angry at my mom for not letting me stay and finish my senior year at my old school. I was angry at my dad because he was the reason we'd moved. I was angry at Randy because he loved it here. I thought they had all lost their minds and it was some kind of conspiracy to ruin my life. And it was working. Surely it was all about me. I would show them. I became a solemn, angry young woman. I didn't speak beyond the absolute necessary words to get by for 6 months. But really who was I hurting? During that year I experienced an extreme case of strep and was quarantined for 2 weeks - in my room. I had the worst case of hives ever and was literally encased in ice for 2 days - in my room. My niece came to live with us. She was 4 or 5 years old. She became my responsibility. That made me angry. I did the laundry. I grocery shopped. I made dinner. I went to school. I cleaned up after Randy. It was literally a year from hell. I couldn't feel God. I couldn't reach Him. I felt abandoned. So I turned away. If He could leave me, I could leave Him. So I did. But really who was I hurting?

Flash forward to now. Wow. That is scary. What do I do with all those feelings of anger, fear, abandonment, inferiority, etc.? Over the years I've learned to ask this question of God..."Where were you when I was in this place?" I know He was there. He said He would never leave me or forsake me. He promised. So when I close my eyes and ask the question - this is what I see...I remember I had a lot of stuffed animals. They sat on this really cool built-in shelf unit on one wall in my room. That's what God showed me. My stuffed animals. I used to hold those things and talk to them as if they were my best friends. What I didn't realize at the time is that when I was holding them, He was holding me. It was Him listening as I poured out my heart to that fake fur. He heard every verse of Rainy Days and Mondays and He knew my heart. He longed to show me His heart but I was too distracted by letting the enemy darken my heart with his lies instead of hearing the Truth. It's so easy to see this in retrospect.

And then I become grateful. It heals my heart to see that He was there. So the first thing I need to do is ask God to identify the lies I believed. I believed I had been abandoned by God. I believed anger was the only response I could have to being moved from everything I knew and loved. I believed it could change things. I believed I was inferior because my feelings were not validated and no one really knew how I felt. I believed I was no longer a part of this family because my feelings were not valid, so I isolated myself. And on and on.

The next step is to renounce the lies. Big word. Big meaning.

Renounce: formally declare one's abandonment of (a claim, right, or possession, or a lie)• refuse to recognize or abide by that lie any longer • declare that one will no longer engage in or support that lie• reject and stop using or consuming the lie
(italics are all mine)
Here are some synonyms: relinquish, abandon, abdicate,surrender, waive, forgo, refuse to abide by, repudiate, deny, reject, abandon, wash one's hands of, turn one's back on, disown, spurn, shun, give up, desist from, refrain from
Here's how you renounce a lie. You simply say "I renounce the lie that ________(fill in the blank)and I come out of agreement with it." (Or you could simply say - NO! Not anymore!) Then ask God to forgive you for believing it. He loves to forgive us. He loves to set us free and that's the next step.
Ask God to show you His truth. In my case He has shown me that I am loved deeply and perfectly. There goes the fear. He hears me. He is always there to listen. There goes inferiority. He will carry me through my darkest times and bring me into the light. Every time. There goes anger. He shows me His Father's heart full of love for me. There goes isolation.
Once you get rid of all that junk, ask God to fill you up. You don't want to leave any empty places in your heart. And He will - fill you up. I promise. Better yet - He promises. He loves to give us gifts.
And that, my friends, was a mini Sozo. Sozo is the Greek word for salvation used in the New Testament meaning "saved, healed and delivered". He's not done with us yet!
When I sat down here today I thought I was going to write about something completely different. I really can't believe this is what came out. Apparently there is some reason beyond my own well being or I wouldn't have put it out on the internet. I know I feel better! I feel more free and more loved than I did when I sat down here. That is God. He loves us so much.
By the way I love rainy days now and Mondays don't get me down at all. In fact, I love Mondays! God is so good.
-------------------------------------
Update: I realized I forgot one VERY important step! Forgiveness. Receiving it for yourself. Forgiving yourself for believing the lies. Forgiving anyone who may have been involved. For me in the situation above I forgave my mom, my dad, my brother and myself. And I forgave God. I know He doesn't need my forgiveness but He's big enough to understand my need to forgive Him.
There's no formula for working through this stuff. Let Holy Spirit guide you and trust Him. It is all about setting you free to be who you were created to be. It's way more simple than we think. God is a God of mercy and grace. He knows your heart. He loves you so much more than you can imagine.

Israel

2011-06-29T06:56:00.000-07:00

This is turning out to be an amazing year for me. First I received a healing miracle - still processing that one. And then I was blessed to go to Israel. The funny thing about that trip is that I anticipated it for so long and now it's over. Some trips when you get home you almost feel as if you never went - it becomes like a dream sequence in your life. But not Israel. It became a part of me. There is a whole area of my heart that was forever changed and a whole people that I now hold dear . Whether Muslim, Jew or Christian - Israelis are amazing people and their country is spectacular. I would go back today if I was handed a ticket and had a flight. Today. There's a longing in my heart to return there. Words really cannot explain it. So maybe a few photos can. Trust me, I could post a bazillion photos here. In fact it's so dadgum overwhelming to even try that I just give up after while. I literally ended up with over 1700 photos after I deleted the ones that were worthless, much to Geoff's chagrin so I'm sure there will be more showing up here in the future.

The Mediterranean Sea

The Sea of Galilee

When I think of Israel the images that come to mind are of lions, sheep, palm trees and water. These things were everywhere. But when I think of Israel and feel - I remember what I heard the Israelis say over and over, "you're in the land of miracles". And then they would back it up with an incredible story of how God was present in times of certain danger or they would smile that knowing smile that can only come from one who really knows that side of God.

And then there were the hearts...

They were everywhere! These are 3 of the ones I couldn't bring home but there were plenty I did. I found heart shaped rocks everywhere we went. I couldn't avoid them. So now I'm trying to figure out if they were for Israel - that God was showing me His heart for His land and people or if they were for me. As I type this I know. The answer is both...because I am one of His own. We all are. He loves each one of us with all His heart. His heart is turned toward you even now. He longs for you to know His heart is full of love for you. As we understand that and receive it and live in it and soak it in and let it become our truth, I believe we will bring a little piece of the Kingdom of Heaven into every situation and relationship in which we are engaged. And that is why we're here. To shine.

If Inanimate Objects Could Talk

2011-04-21T07:49:00.000-07:00

Today is Maundy Thursday, the day Jesus and His disciples celebrated Passover. So many significant things happened in the Upper Room that day. Celebrating Passover itself was significant and to that Jesus added the New Wine of Communion. The words Jesus spoke over them that day predicting His betrayal and death, comforting them, promising them The One to come - Holy Spirit, praying for himself, and for them, and for us His prayer for Unity were very compelling. He spoke about joy and peace and comfort. He loved the one who would betray Him and He loved the one who would deny Him. And He washed their feet.

Jesus and the disciples were in the room that evening along with many inanimate objects. We sometimes say, "If these walls could talk, the stories they could tell." For some reason today I'm thinking about the towel that Jesus used to dry the disciple's feet. If that towel could talk, what would it say?

"Me? You chose me to help you serve these men, the ones you just said would betray you and deny you? Well at least you used me after you had washed the dirt off of them so they were at least physically clean before you brought me into this. But wait, what is that? What is it that coming through Your hands as you ever so gently lift each foot and caress it until it is dry? I've never experienced that before. Thrilling. Stirring. Stimulating. Can you please tell me what is happening here? I've never felt so alive and so free or so much - is that joy? And love? I think that's what love must feel like - some form of energy and power that threatens to overwhelm me and, well, make me more than what I am. I am actually beginning to love these feet. But I can't do that. I can't love. Oh, but You can. And You can use me to show Your love. It's all becoming much clearer now. I am a towel. I am nothing but a piece of cloth You chose to show Your immense love to these undeserving, unlovable, dirty and in need of washing... beautiful... feet. You chose me to not only receive Your love and comfort and joy and peace but to pass it on to those You choose for me to come into contact with. Some would say I am now a "soiled" towel and I would have to answer that I am all the better for it - softer, exhausted and full of joy."

Who knows. If towels could talk...

When I allow Jesus to use me this is how I feel. Spent and loved and joyful and full of peace. Today I want to be His towel.

Palm Sunday Thoughts on Monday

2011-04-18T06:21:00.000-07:00

Easter is coming. Yesterday we celebrated Palm Sunday, the day Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey colt. I would like to have been that donkey. I like to think she was aware of the task she was completing - the prophesy being fulfilled by this simple act of obedience. An obedient donkey. That goes against everything we know about donkeys. And a colt at that. Did she think the load she carried was too much for her? Or did she gladly cooperate knowing the great importance of the task? Her obedience makes me think she knew Who Jesus was and how much He loved her and trusted her to do her part in this story that would change everything. The disciples didn't get it that day. It was only after Jesus was crucified that they began to put it all together and realize the prophecies that had been fulfilled in the One they loved. In a lot of ways they were donkeys themselves. We all are.

There's so much more I want to know about that donkey colt. I think I may relate to her at some level. In my mind and heart I am at times as stubborn as a cliche' donkey but when I become the donkey Jesus rode in on and fully cooperate with His agenda and His will, He is glorified as King! I love this little donkey. It's a good thing I already have a sheep tattoo because if I didn't I may have had to get a donkey one. And that would cause all kinds of trouble. Apparently God uses animals to speak to my heart. I love that. I love Him.

29 Years Later

2011-04-08T08:22:00.000-07:00

April 8 - Then and now...

Twenty-nine years ago on this day Geoff and I were finally married. I say finally because it was a journey to get here. Even now as I contemplate writing about it, I am overwhelmed by the insanity of it all. Mostly on my part. No. Purely on my part. I was nuts. And still he married me. I love him so much.

We were originally going to be married in early December of 1981. But wait, let's start at the beginning.

Geoff and I met on January 15, 1980 on his 25th birthday at the Mason Jar in Phoenix, AZ. I had gone with some friends to hear this band called "Blue Shoes" and so had Geoff. I remember he asked all my girlfriends to dance - but not me. And I didn't care. That was cool. There were plenty of other people to dance with and I did. Turned out he developed a friendship (crush) with my roommate, Barbara, and so we began to run into this Geoff guy all over town. They would sit and talk for hours while I danced. I couldn't figure it out. This was back in the New Wave/Punk days and I was into it. I need to drag out some old photos and scan them. I would be dressed in my red and black zebra shirt or some sort of jumpsuit and Geoff was in his blue oxford button down and khakis. I was as close to the mosh pit as I could get without getting hurt and he was on the fringes really dancing.

Then that fateful day came when Barbara was shipped off to Puerto Rico on a 2 week business trip and Geoff and I ran into each other out at some club. We started to chat, he asked if I'd be there the next night, I said I would and he said that was cool, he'd be there too and I asked if that was a date and he said sure. (We're so romantic.) And so it began. After that we were inseparable. Chemistry took over and the rest is history and in this case I'm using the definition of history which means "an eventful past".

All was well for the first year or so when we were happily hanging out with friends, dancing the nights away (I gave up the mosh pit) and generally passing time. And then Geoff's employer decided to transfer him to Houston, TX. WHAT? That was not in the plan. Something had to be done. He asked me if I would consider going with him. I asked if that meant getting married or just tagging along. He had to think about that one. A few days later in the frozen food section of the grocery store he finally said he wanted us to get married. Proposal. In case you missed it. :o)

Later that week he made up for it by sending me flowers and asking me to marry him again. I sent back a potted plant with a card that said, "YES"! When I read that I think, "what?" But that's how it happened. By the way, we still have the plant. It's in our breakfast room and it reaches the ceiling. How cool is that? (The flowers are long gone, but not the heart behind them!)

So we set the date and began to plan a wedding for December 5th. At this point Geoff had already moved to Houston and I was still living in Phoenix. My roommate and best friend had moved to Pittsburgh and everything was changing. I was working at Westinghouse and those people were my family. I loved that job. But it was time to move on so I transferred to a Westinghouse located in the Houston area, we rented an apartment and I began to plan a wedding. I am not a planner. I cannot stand weddings if they're my own. And I do not enjoy working with others to plan my own wedding - especially if the groom is living hundreds of miles away and counting on me to do it all. This is not my strength and it became very clear as time progressed.

Without getting into so many details that I drone on and on and begin to sound like a whiner, suffice it to say that I successfully alienated my future mother-in-law, purchased my own ring, worked my tail off addressing invitations, dealing with food people, chapel people, hall people, flower people, all with the help of a priceless friend named Marilyn. I began to think I was marrying her. She walked beside me every step of the way and I would be remiss to not mention her here.

Several days before the wedding was to take place I got the worst case of cold feet you can imagine. My roommates and I were having to move out of our super cool house so I was surrounded by boxes and gifts and chaos and all I could think was "I am about to move to a new city, start a new job, be married to this guy I've lost touch with and slightly resent for all this insanity we refer to as a 'wedding' and suddenly I just couldn't do it anymore. I called Geoff and told him I was calling off the wedding and of course he panicked and flew home to talk me out of it. Barbara was to be my maid of honor and he enlisted her to aid in his attempt to bring me back to sanity so she flew in from Pittsburgh. And I sat in my house surrounded by boxes and cried and panicked and didn't eat or sleep or change clothes for days with Marilyn by my side. It was ugly. But I persisted. I got my job back. I moved in with Marilyn. I sent back all the wedding gifts. I cancelled flowers and food and buildings and somehow got the word out that there would be no wedding and then I started to drink. (As I read back over this I realize I was so engrossed in myself and my hysteria that I rarely thought of Geoff and the mess I put him in as he lived in the aftermath. Geez. He married me anyway. I love him.) And for several weeks Geoff and I didn't speak. Then it became obvious we'd have to in order to work out all the financial devastation I had caused. That's when it happened. We talked.

When I said earlier that I had lost touch with Geoff it was because all we began to talk about was this wedding and how to pay for it. We didn't just talk anymore or share our hearts - we were too far away to hold onto each other. The connection was dangerously low. But as we began to talk on the phone again we slowly reconnected. He began to write me the most incredible love letters. He became the Geoff I always loved but had thought I had lost. And then he asked me to come visit. We kind of knew we would get married during that week. We weren't sure how it would look or where it would take place. We didn't have a plan. When I arrived we decided to drive. We headed out to Austin, TX the state capital thinking maybe we'd get married there. But Geoff got cold feet that day so the next day we drove on to San Antonio. In San Antonio we decided to do it. We checked in to our hotel and went to find the Bexar County Courthouse. We had our blood tests, got our license (I'll never forget they gave us a little plastic bag of household stuff to start us off with - cleaning supplies, etc. that we drug around with us the rest of the day) and we sat down to wait for the judge. There was one other couple there to be married so when he appeared we stood in as their witnesses. After he had married them he thought he was done, that we had come to support them. We had to tell him we were there to be married too so they stood in as our witnesses. How funny. And that was it. We were married. We walked down the River Walk, found a table outside in the extreme heat and had a margarita to celebrate. Then we went back to our room and called our parents. Mine were thrilled. Geoff's mother answered the phone and when she heard my voice she handed it to his dad and said, "It's for you". (Several years later she forgave me and all was well.)

By the way, I only regret part of this story - the part where Geoff got hurt. I wish we'd just planned to elope in the first place. It would have saved us a lot of time, money and heartache. Oh, and he forgave me. And finally we can go to a wedding and he doesn't say, "we could've had all those gifts." Time heals.

And we lived happily ever after. Moral of the story...elope. Follow your heart. Be happy. The sun will come out tomorrow.

Surprised by Joy!

2011-03-22T08:53:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of this year I had every intention of writing here much more often. I know this. I need to write. I know I would be more me if I did, more of the me I was created to be. So what keeps me from it? I have no idea. Some crazy inner lie? I'm digging for it. I want to be rid of it. I want to shine and surprise myself like I imagine the sky was surprised when this brilliant rainbow showed up in it one day. I know I was surprised by it. Maybe the sky wasn't surprised at all. Maybe I won't be either if I just do what I was born to do.

Yesterday my life took a turn I was not expecting and I did something totally uncharacteristic for me. I reached out. I asked for help. I begged for prayer. And what I got in return was no surprise. I received peace in the storm. I received what I had been promised. His Presence. And joy!

So, here it is. Saturday I began having some abdominal pain which got way worse on Sunday. But when I sneezed on Monday morning and was instantly doubled over in pain, broke out in a cold sweat and felt like I was going to pass out my amazing husband decided it was time to see the doctor. What happened next changed everything. After drinking a big huge bottle of very nasty stuff (which as it turns out has some side effects I won't share here), a CT Scan which involved shooting dye into my body thru an IV, two sets of blood work, an antibiotic shot, a chest x-ray, a sonogram and one prescription, all involving two doctors and numerous other incredible people who poked me along the way - it has been confirmed that there is a 10 cm cystic mass that has invaded my body. That sucker is huge and I had no idea! Seems weird to think I'm that out of tune with my own body but apparently I am. So I am thanking God for revealing it and for working out all the details of my day yesterday to go so incredibly smoothly and peacefully. And then there's the joy. On December 30th I got a tattoo. Here it is:

It's a sheep. And up to now I've been very "sheepish" about sharing it. It's located on my left inner forearm. Not many people notice it. Until you need to draw blood or place IV's. And so the joy came from sharing my sheep story. I chose a sheep because I deeply identify with the Parable of the Lost Sheep. If I put a word inside him (which I'm thinking about doing) it will be "trovato" which means "found" in Italian. I'm the sheep Jesus left the rest of the flock to go find. And He did. He found me in a very big way. I got to share that story 4 times yesterday.

And so I'm having surgery at 7:30 Wednesday morning. And I'm excited to see how God will use my sheep while I'm there! But mostly right now I'm grateful for all my amazing friends and their willingness to cover me in prayer. I even found a scripture for all this stuff. Psalm 16

Keep me safe, O God,
      for I have come to you for refuge.
I said to the Lord, “You are my Master!
      Every good thing I have comes from you.”
The godly people in the land
      are my true heroes!
      I take pleasure in them!
Troubles multiply for those who chase after other gods.
      I will not take part in their sacrifices of blood
      or even speak the names of their gods.
Lord, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing.
      You guard all that is mine.
The land you have given me is a pleasant land.
      What a wonderful inheritance!
I will bless the Lord who guides me;
      even at night my heart instructs me.
I know the Lord is always with me.
      I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.
No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice.
      My body rests in safety.
For you will not leave my soul among the dead
      or allow your holy one to rot in the grave.
You will show me the way of life,
      granting me the joy of your presence
      and the pleasures of living with you forever.

Image of God - Orphan vs. Sonship, Pt. 1

2011-01-19T16:14:00.000-08:00

On the chart I referred to in the previous post the first line deals with our Image of God. If you're coming under an orphan spirit you tend to see God as Master. Under a spirit of sonship you see God as Loving Father.

Wow.

When I first saw this years ago I thought, well, of course He's our Master. We serve Him and that makes us His servants. There is a vast, cavernous difference between Master and Loving Father.

Some of us may have grown up in homes where one parent was the dominant disciplinarian. I did. It was my mom. I think I got my view of God from how I viewed my mom. She always taught us that if we did anything wrong we needed to get on our knees and repent. Boy, do I remember doing some of that - alone in my room - not coming out until I had done it. I have to say, that did not give me the warm fuzzies for God. I thought of Him as a guy in the sky waiting for me to screw up at which point He would thump me on the head or zap me at which point I would fall to my knees and beg for forgiveness so He would love me again. Warped.

And as for serving, well, I suppose we did it because that's what Christians do. They serve. So we served because my parents served. My parents had a mission in downtown Colorado Springs when I was a kid. I don't mean a calling - I mean a literal mission. The Whosoeverwill Mission to be exact. With a big glowing neon sign and a loudspeaker out onto the street and a soup kitchen and everything. We were there every Sunday morning and Sunday nights and again on Wednesday nights. And then there were the Revivals - night after night after night of Revivals. Right next door was a bar. A hard core bar. I remember sitting in the car waiting on my parents after Sunday morning services and watching people come out weaving drunk. At around noon. That's hard core. The highlight of the Mission was when they'd let my brother Randy and I sing hymns over the loudspeaker. We thought we were amazing. I can only imagine how that scared those poor people next door! I can tell you more often than not our hearts weren't in it. We'd rather have been anywhere else. And I haven't even mentioned the church my dad pastored on the Indian Reservation in Arizona during my teens. But that's a whole other story.

My point is that I grew up an un-indentured servant. My parents may have made an agreement with God to serve Him in these places but I was a reluctant, resentful participant. (I probably need a sozo for that.) But I definitely viewed God as Master.

Today however, I am happy to report that I relate to God as my very Loving Father. So how did I get to that point? Lots of forgiveness. Lots of working a myriad of issues, not only from the years of serving but mostly from the years I decided not to serve anymore. I walked away from all that when I turned 18. I'd had enough of serving a god that only loved me when I was perfect- because I couldn't be perfect. That's when the darkness ensued. That's when I entered the vast cavern that would become my prison until God, my Loving Father, saved me from my self.

I'm having a bit of an epiphany here. That last line just rolled off my fingers. And I'm surprised. I hate caves. I cannot go in them to this day. The other night at Soaking I had a vision of a cave and I felt like God was asking me to come with Him inside it. I couldn't go. I didn't want to go so I sat down out of sheer fear. But this was Soaking - a safe place - and this was God. What was wrong with me? He told me when my faith and trust in Him became bigger than the cavern we would go in. He knew that's what it would take. I sat there thinking about that and wondering when I let fear become that large again and I knew. Writing. It scares me to death. Too many what ifs. (like this. right now.) But here's the thing. He sat down right beside me and waited. Patiently. Lovingly. Leaning back, humming, twirling my hair - just as happy to be there outside the cave with me as inside it. So I began to reason with myself. How could some place God wanted me to join Him in be scary or dark or a prison? It couldn't. My faith and my trust in Him began to grow. Soon I stood up and grabbed His large hand and said, "Let's go in." He asked me if I was sure and I said yes. We strolled in that big old cave like we owned the place. Which He does. And as His light began to illuminate the walls I saw millions, tens of millions of jewels all over the walls. They were all different colors with rays shooting out into the space all around us. I stared in wonder. After what seemed like an eternity I asked Him what they were. He told me to go get one. As soon as I had it in my hand it turned into a word. I can't remember what word it was, but it was a word. I picked up another one. Another word. And on and on. Revelation. If I trust Him, He will take care of me. He is right beside me giving me good, amazing gifts, filling me full to overflowing. Because that's what a Loving Father does for His children. He encourages them to be who He created them to be. And that is how I came to know Him. Moments like this. Times I took to sit in His Presence and allow Him to minister to me, to serve me, to show me His heart.

So now I live on the opposite side of the chart. Adopted into the family of God. A joint heir with Christ. Deeply loved. And that is also why I serve others, because I want them to know my Daddy.

Orphaned?

2011-01-12T05:58:00.000-08:00

2010 is the year my dad died. My mother died in 2008. My husband's mother also died in 2010 and his dad died several years before that. The other day a friend of ours asked Geoff if he felt like an orphan. He replied that he actually did, as if somehow these deaths left them unparented. (no such word, I realize that) Fascinating. I guess technically it's true that once both your parents are gone you're orphaned. I just don't get it and I can't get it out of my mind - that question - "don't you feel like an orphan?" I don't. I really just don't. Maybe it's because I quit letting my parents parent me at a pretty early age - 18. But I like to think it's because I really "get" God as Father.

I love words. I love to look them up in the dictionary and open them up. So here's the definition of orphan: "a child whose parents are dead, a person or thing bereft of protection, position". (Technically we're not children but adults so I'm not sure "orphan" applies for us anyway but we can sure feel unprotected.)

Several years ago I attended a class on The Father's Love by Jack Frost at a local church, First United Methodist. It revolutionized my thinking as well as my heart. Through that study there was a definite shift as I began to let Father God parent me - hold my heart and teach me how to truly live in freedom. That's when I began to allow Him to protect me and I found my position in Him. It was the best choice I ever made in my life. And I believe it let my parents off the hook.

A lot of the study involved looking at how you'd been parented and doing a lot of forgiveness. Let's face it, none of us will ever be perfect parents, but Father God is the best. One of the things this study talked about is how we deal with or react in different situations. They handed out a chart and down one side were reactions from an orphan spirit and down the other side were reactions if you were dealing with life through a spirit of sonship (identifying yourself as a child of God). It was amazing. When I first saw the chart I found myself nearly 100% on the orphan spirit side. Then I began to earnestly work on my issues and I also began to allow God to heal those places in my heart that felt unprotected. It's nothing short of a miracle that I now find myself more often than not on the sonship side of the chart. It didn't happen overnight but I'm happy to report that it has happened! What a glorious transition! I think I'll dig that chart out and blog about it this year.

I thought if I wrote about this it would clear my head about why I don't feel orphaned and I can quit thinking about that haunting question. I see now that I'm supposed to write about it. I think maybe someone needs to hear it. Once you choose Him, you are not alone. You are protected. You are cherished as a precious child. You are loved.

1 John 3:1 "See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are! But the people who belong to this world don’t recognize that we are God’s children because they don’t know him."

1-1-11 - New

2011-01-01T08:09:00.000-08:00

Everything about this new year feels fresh and pure and holy to me. I'm not sure if it's because I've been dwelling on this whole 1/1/11 thing or what, but it feels good and hopeful. And that is exciting!

Yesterday I said I would post my new word for 2011, so here it is...

29

Yes, my word for this year is a number!! I love absolutely everything about this! I love that God is that creative! I love that He wants to stretch me in ways that surprise me. For years now I have been aware of the number 29. God has used it to assure me of His Presence in situations where I was apprehensive and uncomfortable. He has used it to show me His love more times than I can remember. So when I asked for my word for the year over and over again and every time I heard in my mind - 29 - I finally said "okay then, a number it is!" Then last night when I was trying to go to sleep - actually very early this morning - it occurred to me that 2 + 9 = 11. Now that is enough to put me over the edge on the "how cool is that?!!" meter. I'm excited about this year! I'm excited for 2/9/11 to get here! I think it will be a day of something amazing!! And it's a Wednesday! Yes!

So there you have it. If you received a word for the year and you cruise through here occasionally, please leave a comment and let me know your word. I would love that.

Happy New Year!!

Time's Up!

2010-12-31T16:16:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's the last day of 2010. In fact there are less than 6 hours left. Time sure is flying lately. I looked back over this blog for the year and it sure was skimpy! I hit some high points but over all it was sparse. I think that may change in 2011.

My word for 2010 was "time". It sure did pop up throughout the year - several times on this blog. Weird how that works. This asking God for a word thing fascinates me. I love how it opens the doors for Him to interact with us in ways we never would have experienced if we hadn't asked.

Time passed in forever ways this year for our family. My dad died. So did Geoff's mom. Max graduated from high school and started college (which means living in a dorm). These are three big things that changed our lives forever. It was time for all that stuff I guess. Transitions. Change. For a long time I fought change. I didn't like it one little bit. I've changed. Now it seems like a big adventure just waiting to happen. Amazing. God did that.

I do see how time played out in amazing ways in my life this last year and I am so very grateful for how God prepared me for things well in advance. He is truly a God of details and relationship. He loves us so much and He is so incredibly BIG - Beyond Big - Big isn't even a minute percentage of one percent of Him. There are no words that come close. None.

Ok, I'm rambling. Let's cut to the chase. It's time. Time to ask God for a new word for 2011!! That's exciting! This time around I asked and immediately heard _____. (I'm not telling until tomorrow.) In fact, every single time I asked I heard the same thing. Weird.

Here's the deal. If you're reading this, there's a reason. God wants to knock your socks off with His love and the fact that He knows you - personally - individually - completely. So I dare you to give it a try - ask - and then listen. Pay attention and I guarantee you He will make it clear. He loves you. He wants to interact with you. Come back tomorrow and I'll tell you mine.

Oh, and apparently 2010 was also time for a tattoo. There I said it. Maybe tomorrow I'll post a photo.

It's a Blog Party!

2010-11-14T05:58:00.000-08:00

I'm inspired this morning by two of my younger blogging friends to post about the West Texas Girls Conference going on yesterday and this morning here in Abilene. Six hundred middle school and high school girls and their sponsors have swarmed our good city and I pray they are being set free and released to go back and change their churches and cities.

This year I facilitated a Soaking experience two different times yesterday afternoon. I used the same music both sessions. Seventeen girls and women attended the first session. It seemed so personal and intimate. I received the coolest vision over them. I saw all of us as children running to Jesus wanting to show Him all our stuff. One came with a drawing. One came with a song. One came with a story. One came with a dance. One came wanting to show him how fast she could run. Etc. You get the picture. And He had time for each one of us. In fact, the cool thing was that as we presented Him with our "gifts" He literally received each one into Himself. I don't know how to properly describe this except that the drawing became a part of Him. The song became a part of Him. The movement of the dance and race became a part of Him. It's as if I saw His heart open up and envelop each gift. He was so proud and thrilled with each of us. And we beamed in His love.

The next session I had over 60 girls and women. It was such a different feeling in the room. Really interesting. As we soaked I saw chains falling off of them. I asked God what those chains were and I heard things like, "I'm not good enough." "I'm not brave enough." "I'm not strong enough." "I'm not cool enough." "I'm not pretty enough." Again Etc. You get the picture. All the lies we go around trying to act like we're not believing. Well, they were falling off because God was saying to them - "I AM good enough. I AM strong enough. I AM brave enough. I AM cool enough. And in Me you are all these things. Believe in Me. Lean on Me. Lean into Me. I AM ENOUGH."

At the end of each session I told them what I had experienced. I pray they each had their own encounter that changed their hearts and moved them closer to His heart. He loves us so very much! Until we understand that love and can begin to incorporate it into our identity we are pretty much flailing along out here on our own. But when we begin to grasp who we are because of Who He is in us - watch out world!! This is so my passion - these young women (and now some young men in our Huddle). That they would know His intense love for them so that they can then not only love Him but love themselves and others. Isn't that what this is all about?

Now let me tell you about Flora. Each group was given some cash (we had $10) and we were challenged to go out and bless someone. Our group changed our cash in for quarters and headed to a laundromat. As we drove up there was a beautiful woman just getting her clothes out of her car. We walked up to her and explained who we were and that we believed God wanted to bless her with this roll of quarters for her laundry. Such a simple thing. I wish you'd seen her face. The girls had me do the talking so she hugged me...and hugged me...and hugged me some more. Then she asked us to pray for her husband, Lorenzo, who is on the transplant list for a kidney. So we did. Right there in front of the laundromat. We prayed a new kidney for Lorenzo right out of the storehouses of Heaven. "On earth as it is in Heaven." Then she hugged us all and told us that she was going to get up in church tomorrow and tell them about how God blessed her through these young women. I wish you could have heard the girls back in the car. All they talked about was how much they loved Flora and how amazing she was. PRECIOUS! We were blessed as much as Flora. God changes everything. His love shifts atmospheres. Flora was no longer dredging through her laundry. She had a smile on her face and I bet she went in there and blessed everyone in the place! Her entire countenance changed. She had hope.
Our girls went from idle chatter in the car to love chatter. Chatter with a purpose. I KNOW they will continue to pray for Lorenzo and Flora and a new kidney. They had loved another.

I could go on and on but I need to get ready for the last session! I can't wait! By the way, the link to my amazing girls' blogs are:
http://carleelane.wordpress.com/
http://jordan31.blogspot.com
Check them out. They're amazing!!!

Huddle Follow Up

2010-10-22T06:22:00.000-07:00

We did it. We got ourselves introduced to our Huddle kids - kind of. Geoff was so cute. He talked about what high school was like back in 1969-1973, which was scary. His high school was very affluent and drugs abounded. Add in the fact that the draft was in force and they all thought they'd be shipped out to Viet Nam when they graduated and you have a mixture of fear/young men/escape mechanism. It was interesting to hear him talk about how athletes were not the heroes or even the cool guys. And Jesus Freaks were really nerds. But the one thing he said that stuck out was that these people were the brave ones - those who chose to be different and that today he has more respect for them. I think they really heard that. I'm not sure they know him any better yet but they will. He is a remarkable man and I am so blessed to share life with him.

Then it was my turn. I kind of picked up with "I was a Jesus Freak." I told them my dad had been a preacher so I knew all about God - knew all the stories. I talked about the lies that were spoken into my life and how I believed them. I encouraged them to ask who was telling them the things they are hearing. It may be coming out of the mouth of, say, a teacher but it might not be God's truth and if it's not - it's a lie. (We'll talk about that a lot more in the future.) I told them about how I turned away from God and lived life in what the world would say was "freedom" and how it became nothing short of bondage. (Again, lies!) Then I talked about my journey to freedom and KNOWING God. I told them the magnet story. I told them about how every day now is a God adventure for me even though I might not even leave my house all day. He is here! And then I read them these words that were on my heart when I woke up Wednesday morning:

"Buying into all that the world would like you to think is freedom comes at a 
cost. There comes a time in your life when you look around and realize all this 
stuff that was supposed to fill you up is really very empty. And that's when you 
begin to know God and not just know about God. 

That's when forgiveness kicks in. Once you realize all those you left in your 
wake, those you've hurt, those you may have stepped on in order to make yourself 
look better, those you drug down with you because whether you realized it or not 
you are a leader and people do follow you, those you may have followed in an 
effort to be "in" the in crowd, those who hurt you.  And on and on and on....

Only forgiveness can set you free at this point. Giving it. Asking for it. 
Receiving it for yourself. But the hardest part is forgiving yourself. 

The easy part would be to just simply believe the truth now before the lies 
begin to make more sense and seem more real. 

Here's the deal. It's your life. They're your choices. They're also your 
consequences."

I believe Holy Spirit showed up and spoke.  I hope so.  If it was me it was worthless.  If it was Him - they heard - seeds were planted and hearts were opened up.  And that is why I am sitting in a room on Wednesday nights with 25 teenagers for the next four years.  I couldn't be happier.

Huddle

2010-10-18T12:48:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've written anything here. I guess there's some reason for that but right now I can't think of it. Anyway, today I was thinking about our Huddle experience. Huddles are groups of high school students that meet on Wednesday nights at our church. As Huddle leaders we start out with the freshmen class and we walk beside them through their senior year. We got started in August. I love it. I love these kids. They have completely stolen my heart. I think, in our little group of 25 or so teens, we have a great cross section represented. They are gifted and talented in many arenas - music, drama, sports, academics, etc. and some of them may still have no idea what they do best.

The last few weeks we've been slowly introducing ourselves by couple (there are 4 couples leading). Geoff and I are going last. I sat and listened to each story, knowing it's not their whole story, but what they chose to relate as an introduction of themselves. All 3 couples grew up in the Church of Christ. All 3 attended Abilene Christian University. All 3 met their spouses there. All 3 currently have 2 children (two couples are young enough to have more). Then there's us - the Gilbert's. We've been wondering why they let us be Huddle Leaders. What were they thinking? Neither of us was raised in the C of C. I don't even think of myself as Church of Christ. Neither of us attended ACU. In fact, I am the lone huddle leader that didn't attend college at all. We certainly did not meet there or in any college setting. And we have 1 amazing boy. Our story is our story and we're sticking to it. I love that God can and will use anyone, if you just let Him.

And that's what I want to convey to these students. I lived most of my life knowing about God. My life didn't get really interesting and fun and free until I knew Him - until I began to realize that He wants to have a one-on-one relationship with me. He interacts with me. He has something to say to me personally and He wants to hear what I have to say, too. I think that's what we're missing. We're missing the part about relationship.

Ok, here I go with the dictionary. Relationship: "the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected" If I know about God, He's simply a concept I may or may not be inclined to think about at any given moment. But when I have a relationship with Him, we are connected. It's like knowing about Madonna. I never think about Madonna. (Why she popped into my head just now I have no idea.) But if I had a relationship or friendship with her she would be a part of my life. That's a huge difference. It's the same way with God. If we know about Him, it's simply that - a concept or person we know some stuff about. But if I KNOW Him - then we have a relationship.

So what does it look like to know Him? For me it means I see Him everywhere I go, everywhere I turn, everywhere I look. I hear Him all over the place - in the wind, in the birds, in things I read or hear. He's everywhere. He is with me. (Did you know one of the names of God is Immanuel, and it means "God with us". Very cool.)

It's time for my magnet story! About 7 years ago, maybe 8 by now, Geoff went out of town for a business meeting in St. Louis. I was cruising the internet and had found a website of things like pictures, coasters, magnets with inspirational quotes on them. One magnet in particular stuck out at me and the whole time he was gone I left it up on my computer screen. Every time I walked by the computer I would click the mouse and there it was. It said, "Don't fear tomorrow. God is already there." It was a drawing of pine trees and mountains with a big gold star in the sky. For some reason it felt like God was trying to tell me thru that magnet not to be afraid - of anything. When Geoff came home on Sunday afternoon he was unpacking and he told me he'd gotten me something kinda different from the hotel gift shop - not the usual t-shirt. He tossed me a small bag and I opened it up. I pulled out the very same magnet that I had been looking at on the internet for two days. The very same one! At that very moment, if I did not believe God cared or was interested in my everyday-ness, now I believed. I was speechless. I tried to tell Geoff the significance of the magnet. It just didn't translate. It wasn't until a couple of years later when I was telling my story in a class we attended that he understood. He sat there with tears pouring down his cheeks - really getting it. What a sweet moment!

I will tell that story until the day I die. It is my story. Don't fear tomorrow. God is already there. He knows you. He wants you to know Him. More than anything in the world - He loves you.

Timeless Love

2010-07-18T06:28:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday! I'm 54 years old. LIFE BEGINS AT 54!!! Every year of my life my dad would say that on his birthday. (Well not that life begins at 54 but whatever age he happened to be that year.) I got that. I love my birthday. I love turning older. The way I see it is that I'm one year closer to home and all I want to do is get home!! I cannot wait to live in pure love - timeless love - glorious love - generous love - unconditional love - for eternity!!

Last night - or technically early this morning - at 12:06 a.m. Geoff was the first one to wish me happy birthday. Sweet! I woke up today to a text from Jackie Beth. Love it! And then I turned on my computer. Since I'm on facebook I had probably 10 new messages of birthday wishes. (Thank You!) But everyday I receive an email called "What the Lord is Saying Today". That is the first one I clicked on. I absolutely WANT to know what the Lord is saying to me today!! This is what it said:

July 18, 2010. Timeless is My love for you. You are drifting through time and eternity like on a cloud. Earth is earth and heaven is heaven for you. It used to be all earth. At times it has briefly been all heaven. But now your reality is heavenward and earth is temporary baggage and good baggage at that. I am delighted you think of Me so much. You bless Me when you tell others how much you love Me. I get excited with joy when you bait and inspire others to enjoy, learn and meditate on My word. If I were giving credit points, I would give you extra points for that. Timeless is my love for you.
Ephesians 3:11 (AMP) "This is in accordance with the terms of the eternal and timeless purpose which He has realized and carried into effect in [the person of] Christ Jesus our Lord." Ras Robinson

Love that! Love Him! Can you stand it?? My word from God for years now has been that He loves me with an everlasting love. Again. Wow! Don't you just love Him!??!! I believe that is the truth He wants me to know about Him. That He loves me and that it will last forever - timeless. I feel so incredibly loved right now I could scream! You know what? He loves you exactly like that too. Endlessly. Tirelessly. Everlastingly. I like to think I'm His favorite - because I am - but so are you! He has that much love to give and more!

That's it!! I just had a revelation! That's why I don't mind getting older - I know my spirit is timeless!! Love is timeless! So why worry about it? YES!! I want it all - everything God has for me! Today He has given me the gift of the revelation of my own timelessness. After all, I am created in His image. Now if I could just have a good hair day! HAHA!!

Have a great day! It really is the first day of forever! You are loved!

Time To Go

2010-04-28T14:16:00.000-07:00

Man, I haven't blogged in a long time. I've thought about it but nothing was pushing its way out. Not hard enough anyway. But now, my dad has died and it seems like something needs to be said.

My dad was born on December 21, 1915. His parents named him Luigi Sorabella. His mother told him he was actually born on November 21 but he was so very sick with asthma that they didn't issue his birth certificate until a month later when they knew he would live. And so began the life of Louis Sorabella.

My dad was a remarkably complex human being. He was completely out of the ordinary. I've never met anyone else quite like my dad. He was a unique, one-of-a-kind guy. Thank God. Too many like him on the planet and we'd all be exhausted. He had enough energy for 10 people. He was the friendliest person I’ve ever known. He never met a stranger - literally. If you were in his line of vision you were going to meet him. He wanted to know you. And he wanted you to know that someone had come and died for you because he loved you so much. He wanted you to know his Jesus. For example, one time I was meeting my family in the parking lot of a restaurant. We were all there but dad. We started looking around for him and found him on the street talking to a hitchhiker. He had seen the guy over there and just had to meet him. He told him about Jesus and how much he loved him and got his name and address so he could write to him. We were so embarrassed...then. Not so much now. Now I want to be just like him.

My dad loved beauty. He thought everything God created was the most astounding thing he'd ever seen; from a squirrel - to a worm - to a butterfly - to a sunflower - to the clouds and on and on. He loved to be outdoors in a sea of color. And he loved to be up to his elbows in the dirt. He loved to grow things. I think it made him feel closer to God. And he loved to laugh until he cried. I loved that most about him. But mostly he loved. He loved people. He loved God. He loved nature. He just loved.

There was a time when my dad lost his way. The enemy waylaid his intensity and he was very nearly sidetracked. Some people thought he was. That's when he began to write - letter after letter after letter. Short, to-the-point letters that said "Praise the Lord!" and "Expect a Miracle!" Just notes to let you know you were being thought of and blessed. Oh and he wrote poetry. It wasn't great stuff but it wasn't terrible either. I think as I go back now and read those poems I'll find them much more poignant.

My whole life I was told I was just like my dad. Mostly I hated that. He was always embarrassing to me. There were a lot of things about my dad that I didn't want to be anything like and I let those things taint my desire to embrace the things in me that really were like him. Today I am able to embrace those parts of my dad that live on in me. I love nature. I see God there. I take gazillions of photos - just like my dad. I love people. I love to tell people how much God loves them. I love that. It's my favorite thing and it's when I feel most alive. I fought that for so long to the point I had very nearly lost my voice. Thank God His plans are bigger than our plans. I'll never plant another flower without thinking about my dad. He taught me everything I know about growing things and nurturing them. And I have a feeling my flowers will be much more abundant this year because my dad will be smiling on them.

I have so many stories about this man. Funny stories. Stories I never talk about that wrench at my soul. Stories that make me laugh. Stories that make me cry. That was my dad. He was man of extremes. There was never a dull moment with Lou around. It's no wonder my mom gave out first. She was exhausted. They were married for 68 years I think. That's a long time to live in the shadow of another person. But she did - gracefully at times and at other times kicking and screaming. They were complete opposites, my parents. But they loved each other in a way that inspires me to love Geoff more deeply. They were not perfect parents but they loved us with their whole hearts. And besides, I’ve found out there’s no such thing as a perfect parent. Only Father God has gotten that right. He alone loves perfectly.

I have one more story to tell. It’s the story of the day my dad died. He didn’t want to die. He wanted to live and he became more and more anxious and agitated about it to the point he wouldn’t allow himself to sleep.

This is a good place to tell you about my hero, my sister-in-law Valerie. There are no words for how strongly I appreciate and honor her. She cared for my dad the last four months - 24 hours a day – 7 days a week. She loved him and fed him and bathed him and talked to him and prayed with him and cleaned up after him and sat with him. I know you are tired Valerie but know that there is a place in my heart and a very special place in heaven just for you. I like to tell people that I’m God’s favorite because my brother married a geriatric nurse but the truth is Valerie, you’re His favorite because you are just like Him – a true servant who loves with your whole heart. And Brandy. Girl you are my other hero. Thank you for the time you spent helping Valerie take care of my dad and for taking him out on adventures and helping him with his letters and photo albums. He loved you both so very much. You gave the last months of his life purpose and you honored him through your service.

Now back to the story. Valerie had called me and asked me to be praying for him and I did. I had a lot of my friends praying for him too. Last Wednesday I was at a Bible study and at the end I asked them to pray for my dad. No explanation. Nothing specific. Just pray. My friend Latimer prayed over him. When she finished she looked over at me and said, “I just saw a picture. I saw a flood of water rushing down over a hill onto your dad. It washed away every residue and residual thing from him and he was completely clean.” We thought that was amazing and went on and finished praying over the other requests. That’s when I got the phone call from Valerie. She said my dad had just died. It had happened during that prayer. I believe that rush of water that my friend saw as she prayed for my dad released him to live. I couldn’t wait to tell Valerie. She was as amazed as we were. A couple of hours later Valerie called me with the rest of the story. Brandy had brought over the picture my dad wanted to use on his next mail out. It was a picture of a waterfall. It’s the one on your service card. That’s my dad. He came in with a story and he went out with a story and he lived his story for 94 years – bathed in love.

Some Random Thoughts on Grief

2010-02-25T07:31:00.000-08:00

Grief is a strange thing. Dictionary.com defines it as "deep sorrow".

It comes in many different forms for many different reasons.

Everyone deals with grief in their own way. One cannot dictate the grief of another.

Grief comes when your world changes.

Grief can bring up so many other feelings and issues.

You can grieve for yourself or for others.

Grief is not fun.

I'm talking about the grief that comes from lost dreams. I know one thing. Lost dreams can be found but only one way. I found this version of 2 Corinthians 7:10-11 in the New Century Version. I like that it gives us hope.

The kind of sorrow God wants makes people change their hearts and lives. This leads to salvation, and you cannot be sorry for that. But the kind of sorrow the world has brings death. See what this sorrow—the sorrow God wanted you to have—has done to you: It has made you very serious. It made you want to restore yourselves. It made you angry and afraid. It made you want to see me. It made you care. It made you want to do the right thing. In every way you have regained your innocence.

When I first read it I loved it but I couldn't get my mind around that part where it says that this godly sorrow "made you angry and afraid". Now I understand. When this godly sorrow hits you, at first you become afraid that you screwed everything up - afraid that nothing will ever be right again. Then you become angry with yourself for believing the lies that talked you into this thing in the first place and the lies that told you it must be kept secret and all the other lies used to keep you completely incapacitated. The anger builds and before you realize it you're lashing out at people for no reason because you're being eaten up inside by this thing you call guilt - but in reality you are grieving your loss the best way you can and it begins to hurt those around you. When you get to this point you are desperate.

It's when you allow this sorrow to make you want to see God that restoration begins to occur. When you get to the point where you can't carry it anymore by yourself and you have to hand it over, that's when God steps in. That's when you do the right thing. That's when you regain your innocence. Listen to His voice of love. It's the most loving voice in the universe. It's the voice of everlasting love...and restoration. I believe He's saying I forgive you, now forgive yourself.

These are just some random, rambling thoughts.

Ash Wednesday

2010-02-17T05:16:00.000-08:00

For some reason this picture reminds me of little ol' me and GREAT BIG GOD and how much HE loves me.

A Lenten Prayer

The Lenten season begins. It is a time to be with you, Lord, in a special way, a time to pray, to fast, and thus to follow you on your way to Jerusalem, to Golgotha, and to the final victory over death.

I am still so divided. I truly want to follow you, but I also want to follow my own desires and lend an ear to the voices that speak about prestige, success, pleasure, power, and influence. Help me to become deaf to these voices and more attentive to your voice, which calls me to choose the narrow road to life.

I know that Lent is going to be a very hard time for me. The choice for your way has to be made every moment of my life. I have to choose thoughts that are your thoughts, words that are your words, and actions that are your actions. There are not times or places without choices. And I know how deeply I resist choosing you.

Please, Lord, be with me at every moment and in every place. Give me the strength and the courage to live this season faithfully, so that, when Easter comes, I will be able to taste with joy the new life that you have prepared for me.

Amen.

This is an excerpt from Henri Nouwen's book "The Road to Daybreak". Today is Ash Wednesday. I'm supposed to sacrifice or give up something today that will in some way bring me closer to Jesus and the incredible sacrifice He made for me with His life. When I think of the things I could give up, like coffee or chocolate or Italian food - the 3 food groups that mean the most to me - they all seem awfully lame in comparison.

Lent hasn't really been that hard for me because I give up stuff like that. But this year the word that keeps creeping into my mind is "time" (which happens to be my word for the year). I believe I'm supposed to give up time somehow. I'm waiting for Him to show me how He wants me to do that - what it would look like. I thought it meant blogging everyday for 40 days - that would take time. But I'm leaving tomorrow at noon for a Walk to Emmaus and there's no internet connection at the camp. Maybe it's just taking the time to write something for 40 days. I don't know. I'm hoping He shows me before I receive the ashes tonight.

From dust I came. From dust I return. Forgiven and loved by a most marvelous God. Oh how He loves me!

Henri Nouwen on Solitude

2010-01-18T07:41:00.000-08:00

Finding Solitude

All human beings are alone. No other person will completely feel like we do, think like we do, act like we do. Each of us is unique, and our aloneness is the other side of our uniqueness. The question is whether we let our aloneness become loneliness or whether we allow it to lead us into solitude. Loneliness is painful; solitude is peaceful. Loneliness makes us cling to others in desperation; solitude allows us to respect others in their uniqueness and create community.

Letting our aloneness grow into solitude and not into loneliness is a lifelong struggle. It requires conscious choices about whom to be with, what to study, how to pray, and when to ask for counsel. But wise choices will help us to find the solitude where our hearts can grow in love.

I used to feel lonely. It was painful. I will attest to that truth. The loneliness made me want to cling to anyone who helped temporarily relieve the pain, just as this quote states. And clinging to "anyone" is never a good idea. I wish I could help some of the teenagers I know today understand the truth that the clinging only causes more pain. But it took me years to grasp that and to learn to cling to the only real source of love, so why should I think they can learn it from me. I never listened to anyone who was trying to help me. Maybe that's the key...listening. They were doing a whole lot of talking and not much listening. What if we shifted our strategy from lecturing to listening?

Today I understand what Henri Nouwen is saying in this quote. I treasure the time I spend by myself because I know that ultimately I am never alone. I am sitting with Love. I am surrounded by Peace. And that is good.

2010 - And My Word For This Year

2010-01-02T07:35:00.000-08:00

Here it is January 2, 2010. Already this year is flying by! Several years ago my friend Lynette introduced me to a tradition - asking God for a word for the year. It's been nothing short of amazing. Sometimes I ask and I immediately get a word - like the year 2007 when I had the word "heaven". I remember I was surprised by that word. All year I looked up. It was so cool. I began to see the most amazing things in the clouds. Not exactly like Linus' experience in Peanuts - no elaborate scenes - just glory and what appeared to be angelic presence. It has opened my eyes to so many possibilities.

So this year my word is "TIME". It came to me the other day while I was praying. I love it when you know without a doubt this is it - this is my word. That happened this year. Here's the story. Earlier this week my aforementioned friend, Lynette, emailed me and asked me to pull a out a rock for her out of my amazing bowl of word rocks.

I went over to the bowl, turned all the rocks over so none of the words showed, closed my eyes, said a prayer and asked God to pick Lynette a rock. I pulled out "trust". I called her and told her which rock I had chosen and she said, "I knew you would. My word this year is 'trust'. That just confirmed it." Ok, so that was cool. I still hadn't told her my word yet. I don't like to reveal it until January 1st. (I'm dramatic like that.) I woke up on New Year's Day to an email from Lynette that went like this, "what is your WORD???? i trust that you will tell me when the time is right. time?? is it time????" (Lynette never uses capitals in the right place.) When I read that I was astounded! How could she possibly know that? There are billions of words in the English language! No possible way she guessed it. I immediately called her. She said that just as she was typing the first sentence she felt like God was saying, "Her word is 'time'." So she went with it. HOW COOL IS THAT?? That, my friends, (if there are any of you left out there) is confirmation!

Now I get to watch (ha! no pun intended) and see how God uses this word to reveal more of Himself this year. I'm literally excited about it! There are endless possibilities. All I have to do is keep my eyes and ears and mind open to them and to Him. 2010 is shaping up to be an amazing year.

"Savoring Time" stock photo

This morning as I was thinking about writing this blog post I was remembering how yesterday at our annual New Year's Day gathering at the Shilcutt's we were all talking about our words and whether or not we'd received one yet. (This thing is contagious I tell you!) I bet I told this story 3 or 4 times. Every time I got to tell it - the wonder of it became more apparent to me. People want to hear about God - simple stories of His Presence in our lives. We long for more stories like this. We long for His touch. I'm convinced He's doing it all the time and we're too busy to see or hear Him. God is good. God does good. And I'm sure He longs for us as much, probably more than we long for Him. It's a match made in heaven.

Passing

2009-11-04T23:22:00.000-08:00

One of my best friends in the world passed away a little over an hour ago. She is so very precious to me. I didn't know her long enough. I wasn't done knowing her. She is the only person I know who knows who I am as a mother - where my heart loves from and how dangerously close to the edge I teetered on the brink of shame. We rose up out of it together. We pulled each other up step by miry step out of a deep pit. If I faltered, she pulled. If she faltered, I pulled. All it took was a look. I thank God we made it to the top. I know He was holding onto both of us. It is somewhat comforting knowing they're together. But I miss her. She has beautiful hands. Her laughter made my ears happy. She taught me how important it is to dance. I'll never look at the color green the same way again. Never. I daresay it could become my favorite color. Yes, it's chasing red away even now. I know right now she knows the meaning and feeling of joy in a way I long to know it. She was a joy but she wasn't aware of it. She had a light in her that made the darkness run away screaming. She is stronger than anyone I know. She could put one foot in front of another in a way that made the path look like you could travel it too. Mostly she loved. She loved her Jack. She loved her boys. All of them. So much. She loved her family with her whole entire heart. She taught me a lot about how to be a better mother. She made her friends feel important, like you were the only one in the world all at once. She made me feel special. We liked all the same music - loud. We wanted to go to Toronto and Redding together so bad we could scream. We wanted to see angels. Now she's dancing with them and I am green. I love you Kathy.

PSALM 18

I love you, O LORD, my strength.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and I am saved from my enemies.

The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.

The cords of the grave coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.

In my distress I called to the LORD;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.

The earth trembled and quaked,
and the foundations of the mountains shook;
they trembled because he was angry.

Smoke rose from his nostrils;
consuming fire came from his mouth,
burning coals blazed out of it.

He parted the heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under his feet.

He mounted the cherubim and flew;
he soared on the wings of the wind.

He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him—
the dark rain clouds of the sky.

Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced,
with hailstones and bolts of lightning.

The LORD thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded.

He shot his arrows and scattered the enemies ,
great bolts of lightning and routed them.

The valleys of the sea were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at your rebuke, O LORD,
at the blast of breath from your nostrils.

He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.

He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.

They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the LORD was my support.

He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.

Psalm 18 - for Kathy...and for me.

A Redemption Story

2009-10-13T14:27:00.000-07:00

Some time ago I posted a photograph of my family of origin. I sure wish I could find the post so I could link to it here. I'm not sure when I wrote it. Anyway, in the picture I am standing alone off to the side and the rest of them, my mom and dad and 3 brothers are all standing together. That picture has always bothered me. It's actually hanging in the hallway of my parents' house. It's the only photograph I know of that exists of my entire family from when I was a child.

Here's where redemption comes in...Monday night at Soaking (yes, folks, another soaking story) we were listening to a cd about faith and how to believe by letting go of unbelief. At the end of it Amy put on some quiet violin music and suggested we ask God what unbelief we needed to let go of in order to have more faith. I saw that old picture. So I asked God where He was then. What I heard was this, "I am the One Who took you out of that box. I set you apart. In the picture you look like you are just standing there but in reality, in the spirit, you are dancing! I said, Come out and you stepped out." I remembered the story of Peter stepping out of the boat onto the water. That took a lot of faith. I also remember him realizing what he was doing and panicking. What did Jesus do next? He immediately took his hand. He held him up. He didn't let him fall. I want to remember what it felt like to step out of the box. I want to stay out of the box. I know if I fall He'll pick me back up. I just don't want to fall anymore. I want to dance.

What is real? - and an Epiphany.

2009-10-06T14:52:00.000-07:00

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day that brought up a story from my high school days. It was while I was telling this story that I had an epiphany.

Has anyone else out there ever read the book "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut? I read it when I was a sophomore or junior in high school. It was fascinating. It was also the beginning of the end before my eventual (entirely too many years later) new beginning. In the book Vonnegut describes a religion called Bokononism. Remember, it's purely fiction, written to entertain, not to be taken seriously. My friend, Debbie and I decided this "religion" would be kind of fun to adopt for the weekend of Young Life camp. I know. I was one of those kids. We really were just trying to have fun. Unfortunately the leaders took us quite seriously and sat us down separately to "talk". I have no idea what Debbie told them but I decided to take it a step further and see if they could answer a question that was raised in the book. The question is "What is real?" I remember the conversation as if it was yesterday. I started out egging them on with questions like "This chair here, is it real?" when somewhere in the course of the conversation I began to really wonder - what is real? It became clear that my Young Life leader could not answer the question. And that started the crack. Up to that time I was God's. No question. But now, there were questions. And apparently they had no answers.

Today I know what it was I wanted, no, needed to hear. I needed to hear that beyond all this there is more - so much more. I needed to hear that what we're doing here that matters is all about love. That is real. That is all that's real. The love we share, the relationships and how we handle them in love, that's what really matters. How we walk through life either loving or not - that counts. That lives on. That is real. The things unseen - all the life going on around us that is spirit - holy and otherwise - that stuff is real. The chair? Sure. It sits there. But it will be gone. All this will one day be gone. But love lives on - and so does our spirit. The rest is a vapor. A space in time taken up by matter that doesn't even matter. That's what I needed someone to say to me - the you inside that I can't see - you matter. But I didn't hear that. What I heard was - "come on you know that's crazy. What do you want from me? I can't answer that question. Just please tell me you aren't serious." C~R~A~C~K

From that day on I was different. I didn't feel the same. I didn't see the same. I didn't hear the same. There had been a shift in the atmosphere.

At Soaking the other night I decided to ask God about this revelation. First I asked Him where He was that day. I envisioned myself in that cabin with my YL leader and there He was - arms outstretched - desperately wanting me to choose Him. I chose the world. I asked Him, "what was the lie I believed that day?" He answered, "You believed that if I can't see it, it's not real. I can't see God, therefore, He's not real." I bought into the enemy's trap. He got me good. Looking back I see it all in a different light. It was not an innocent game played by two teenage girls. This was life or death. That day death won. From that day forward I began to believe a lot of lies that before my heart had been guarded against. Now my guard was down. Wow. Amazing what one can see if one allows herself to open her eyes. The next thing I did as I lay there at Soaking was ask God to forgive me for not choosing Him that day. Then I forgave myself for making a bad - no lousy - choice that affected my whole life for years to come. I broke any agreement I had made with the lie and then I asked God to show me His truth in that moment. He told me I "have eyes to see the unseen and ears to hear the unspoken". I am restored to the person I was meant to be all along. Restoration - what a great word! Then I shut the door I had opened in that moment - the door of unbelief - slammed shut. So where is God now? He is all around me - all over me - saturating me from the inside out! And I receive this gift of mercy, this incredible gift of love. It is real. I can feel it - just as much as I can feel this chair I'm sitting on.

God is so good!! I love Him so very much but not even close to how much He loves me. And He loves you that much too. Trust it. Trust Him. He is real. He is love.

Father's Love

2009-09-17T08:11:00.000-07:00

First, watch this:

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What did you just see?

I've been asking God to give me eyes to see and ears to hear. I'm beginning to realize that's exactly what He's doing. I don't see things the way I used to see them. Before I would have watched this little video and thought it was very sweet. Now when I watch this video I see Father God, Abba, Papa reacting to me and the latest thing I did that was not exactly what I should have done. For instance, when I've taken a gift He's given me and I misuse it or don't use it at all - I toss it back. I don't think anything surprises Him but I do think He gets delighted. And best of all, He hugs me. He wraps His big ol' loving arms around me and pulls me in. He says, "That's okay baby girl. We'll just get another one." Or, "Don't worry about it. You'll get another chance." Isn't He good?

So.....

2009-09-07T07:17:00.000-07:00

...I'm not sure what it's going to take to get me writing on here consistently again but I would love to receive that kick in the butt.

Here I am on Monday morning, Labor Day, and I have a million things I could do chore-wise but all I really want to do is Be. Dwell. Rest. That seems counter to the whole concept of Labor Day but then Labor Day holiday seems like an oxymoron if you really think about it.

I have so many things going on in my mind that sometimes I feel like that's where I live. In my head. I know that's not true but there is a lot of stuff binging around in there these days. I'm praying that God will find a way to bring it all out and into some kind of order as I prepare for the girls conference in November. I'm thinking about stories. I think we're supposed to tell each other about who God is in our lives - how we've witnessed His love, grace, power, joy....Mostly I want more stories. I want more times with Him. I want more of Him.

That's all for now. Just a note...

And so it begins...

2009-08-15T05:20:00.000-07:00

(That's Max on the far right in all these photos!)
Today it all starts for us - the parents. Texas 5-A Football. Oh my goodness. Max is a senior on varsity at Abilene High School and there is nothing else like it. He's been hanging on through two-a-days for the last week and this morning we meet up at the stadium at 8:30 a.m. for pictures. I understand there will be a family one taken and then one with his mom and one with his dad. I'm hoping for a Christmas card to come out of this!

Then comes the luncheon for Eagle Moms. I cannot even begin to describe what this entails. Suffice it to say those boys are going to know they are loved. And, you know what? That is not a bad thing. So I guess I need to get over it and get on with it! I'm hitting the shower! Must go conjure up some Eagle spirit! More to come...

2009-08-05T13:18:00.000-07:00

It's been entirely too long since I last blogged. There's probably no one left out there to read so, in that case, this is for me!

The last 3 days or so I have been feeling myself drawn back into a more formal quiet time with God. Ultimately I feel like my whole life or at least 75% of it is spent in constant conversation with God in my heart and head but I was feeling drawn back to my secret place (which is really not so secret - I just like to call it that). All this to say that this morning as I was sitting in my chair I began to write to God praises and then I told Him how good He is. (As if He didn't already know!) On several occasions I have said, "God is good" and then thought that doesn't even come close to describing Him. Well, I happened to have my iPhone with me on which I was playing some amazing soaking music. I picked it up, went to dictionary.com and typed in "good". Wow! Good is way more than I imagined! Here is what it said: (I dare you to just begin to read them out loud thinking of God.)

good

1. morally excellent; virtuous; righteous; pious: a good man.
2. satisfactory in quality, quantity, or degree: a good teacher; good health.
3. of high quality; excellent.
4. right; proper; fit: It is good that you are here. His credentials are good.
5. well-behaved: a good child.
6. kind, beneficent, or friendly: to do a good deed.
7. honorable or worthy; in good standing: a good name.
8. educated and refined: She has a good background.
9. financially sound or safe: His credit is good.
10. genuine; not counterfeit: a good quarter.
11. sound or valid: good judgment; good reasons.
12. reliable; dependable; responsible: good advice.
13. healthful; beneficial: Fresh fruit is good for you.
14. in excellent condition; healthy: good teeth.
15. not spoiled or tainted; edible; palatable: The meat was still good after three months in the freezer.
16. favorable; propitious: good news.
17. cheerful; optimistic; amiable: in good spirits.
18. free of distress or pain; comfortable: to feel good after surgery.
19. agreeable; pleasant: Have a good time.
20. attractive; handsome: She has a good figure.
21. (of the complexion) smooth; free from blemish.
22. close or intimate; warm: She's a good friend of mine.
23. sufficient or ample: a good supply.
24. advantageous; satisfactory for the purpose: a good day for fishing.
25. competent or skillful; clever: a good manager; good at arithmetic.
26. skillfully or expertly done: a really good job; a good play.
27. conforming to rules of grammar, usage, etc.; correct: good English.
28. socially proper: good manners.
29. remaining available to one: Don't throw good money after bad.
30. comparatively new or of relatively fine quality: Don't play in the mud in your good clothes.
31. best or most dressy: He wore his good suit to the office today.
32. full: a good day's journey away.
33. fairly large or great: a good amount.
34. free from precipitation or cloudiness: good weather.
35. Medicine/Medical. (of a patient's condition) having stable and normal vital signs, being conscious and comfortable, and having excellent appetite, mobility, etc.
36. fertile; rich: good soil.
37. loyal: a good Democrat.
38. (of a return or service in tennis, squash, handball, etc.) landing within the limits of a court or section of a court.
39. Horse Racing. (of the surface of a track) drying after a rain so as to be still slightly sticky: This horse runs best on a good track.
40. (of meat, esp. beef) noting or pertaining to the specific grade below “choice,” containing more lean muscle and less edible fat than “prime” or “choice.”
41. favorably regarded (used as an epithet for a ship, town, etc.): the good ship Syrena.
–noun
42. profit or advantage; worth; benefit: What good will that do? We shall work for the common good.
43. excellence or merit; kindness: to do good.
44. moral righteousness; virtue: to be a power for good.
45. (esp. in the grading of U.S. beef) an official grade below that of “choice.”
46. goods,
a. possessions, esp. movable effects or personal property.
b. articles of trade; wares; merchandise: canned goods.
c. Informal. what has been promised or is expected: to deliver the goods.
d. Informal. the genuine article.
e. Informal. evidence of guilt, as stolen articles: to catch someone with the goods.
f. cloth or textile material: top-quality linen goods.
g. Chiefly British. merchandise sent by land, rather than by water or air.
47. the good,
a. the ideal of goodness or morality.
b. good things or persons collectively.
–interjection
48. (used as an expression of approval or satisfaction): Good! Now we can all go home.
–adverb
49. Informal. well.
—Idioms
50. as good as. as 1 (def. 22).
51. come to no good, to end in failure or as a failure: Her jealous relatives said that she would come to no good.
52. for good, finally and permanently; forever: to leave the country for good. Also, for good and all.
53. good and, Informal. very; completely; exceedingly: This soup is good and hot.
54. good for,
a. certain to repay (money owed) because of integrity, financial stability, etc.
b. the equivalent in value of: Two thousand stamps are good for one coffeepot.
c. able to survive or continue functioning for (the length of time or the distance indicated): These tires are good for another 10,000 miles.
d. valid or in effect for (the length of time indicated): a license good for one year.
e. (used as an expression of approval): Good for you!
55. good full, Nautical. (of a sail or sails) well filled, esp. when sailing close to the wind; clean full; rap full.
56. make good,
a. to make recompense for; repay.
b. to implement an agreement; fulfill.
c. to be successful.
d. to substantiate; verify.
e. to carry out; accomplish; execute: The convicts made good their getaway.
57. no good, without value or merit; worthless; contemptible: The check was no good.
58. to the good,
a. generally advantageous: That's all to the good, but what do I get out of it?
b. richer in profit or gain: When he withdrew from the partnership, he was several thousand dollars to the good.

Seriously, isn't that amazing??? And even with all this He is more - way more - and when you get to the end of that more there will still be even MORE! We'll never run out of God.

SOZO

2009-06-03T05:36:00.001-07:00

I spent all day Saturday at a Sozo ministry training and then on Monday night I was able to experience it for myself. Sozo is the Greek word for salvation only in the Greek it is so much more than just salvation. (Even as I type that I realize how absurd the statement is - how can salvation be "just" anything? It is revolutionary if we allow it to be.) But in Greek it means "saved, healed and delivered". Is that what you expected when you received Jesus into your heart? Did you expect to be not only saved but also healed and delivered? I don't remember anyone telling me that I would walk in all of those things, only that I had been saved from eternal damnation and been given the gift of eternal life. What are we doing?? We sell God so short. Ok, stepping down off my soap box.

Very simply Sozo is a prayer process thru which you lead the "sozo-ee" back to a source of wounding or pain, find Jesus there and allow Him to speak truth into the situation. There are 5 tools they've put together to help you through the process. It's amazing.

I want to tell you about my experience. My new friend, Sue, was the leader and my old friend, Diane, was her support. After we prayed inviting the Holy Spirit to be present and guide us, Sue began by asking me if there was anything I was struggling with or wanted to get past. I told them that I wanted to get past whatever it was that was blocking me from writing. I had started a story several months ago. When I started the story I was so excited. It just literally flowed out from my pen. Then I ran out of time and had to put it down. I've never taken the time to pick it back up. I know what you're thinking. Who has time anyway? Well, I do. Lots of it. Which made me feel even more guilty for not taking the time to write. Something was keeping me from it - a barrier.

I told them about my twin brother, Randy, who is an amazing artist. He was always "the creative one". At some point in time I believed that if I couldn't do what he did I was not creative. They had me close my eyes and we asked Jesus to take me back to a time when I got that message. Immediately I recalled a memory of sitting in church at about the age of 5 or 6. I was sitting between my mom and Randy. We used to play a game where I would squiggle a line on a piece of paper and Randy would draw it into some elaborate incredible picture and then he would squiggle a line and hand it to me. I would stare at it and see a squiggly line and then try to make sense of it. He would laugh. My mom would be amazed at what Randy had drawn and never acknowledge my "art". Here's how the rest of the Sozo session went:

Sue/Diane: How did that make you feel?

me: Rejected

Sue/Diane: Look around. Do you see Jesus there?

me: Yes. He's sitting behind me.

Sue/Diane: Ask Him what is the lie you received at that moment.

me: That I am not creative because I cannot do what Randy can.

Sue/Diane: What is Jesus doing now?

me: He got up and came around in front of me. He took my hands in His and stood me up. He is saying, "You have been given different gifts. I have gifted you with creative words. You see things in your mind and make word pictures of them." Then He turned me around and, with His hands on my shoulders said to my mom and Randy, "Watch out for this one!"

Now how cool is that! But that wasn't the end of it. Then Sue felt like I needed to forgive my mom for giving me the impression that I was not creative. So she led me through a sweet prayer of forgiveness where I was able to ask God to give her a hug for me. (She died last October) I love that. Then they were led to ask me if I might have put up a wall of protection that needed to be removed. So I closed my eyes again and asked Jesus to reveal that wall to me.

I saw myself walking into my bedroom and closing the door. (side note: I noticed that there wasn't a ceiling in the room as I walked in.) I immediately knew why this was my wall. When I was a kid whenever we had family or company over my mom and dad would have Randy get out all his drawings for everyone to see and I would just go to my room and shut the door. Nobody every seemed to wonder where I had gone. As I explained what I was seeing Diane asked me if the room had a ceiling. I said, "Funny you should ask, I actually noticed it didn't as I walked in." We all thought that was interesting. We would soon see why!

Sue/Diane: Why don't you ask Jesus to help you take the walls down?

me: He just walked up with two hammers and two chisel things. He's removing the top hinge of the door and I'm removing the bottom one. (Fascinating! I had control of the door but simply opening it was not enough. It had to be removed.)

Sue/Diane: What about the other walls? Does He want to take those down too or is He telling you that it's okay to leave them up?

me: He says it's okay to leave them up. But He's laughing and we're sitting in chairs in the middle of the room - laughing together.

Sue/Diane: What's happening now?

me (amazed): Words are pouring into the room through the ceiling and then out through the door. Now there are so many more words in the room than the door can handle that the walls are bulging out. Now they're busting down! Not a wall left! (So that's why He was laughing!!)

Sue/Diane: That is so cool! You're still in your safe place but there are NO LIMITATIONS!

I opened my eyes and we are all sitting there in complete awe. When we got back to reality Sue asked me if she could say a prayer of blessing over me. I can't remember a single word but that girl was on fire!

I feel such freedom! I am amazed at how simple the process was and how little time it took to complete. I think what I love the most is that Sue and Diane were as touched by the whole thing as I was. Sue gained so much confidence! She was absolutely beaming! God is so very, very good.

I hope to be able to use this in the future in many ways with those God brings into my sphere of influence. I am by no means a learned Sozo-er. But then, it's not really about us. It's about God. Why we think we have anything to do with it beyond our willingness to let Him use us to be His hands and feet and voice is beyond me. If we would really understand that, we would feel the pressure lift right off of us. We would be totally free to just be who He made us to be. I want that. I want it all.

And that, in a nutshell, is Sozo ministry. Let's talk.

2009-05-18T04:43:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I had a hard time getting up and moving. I was not motivated to get into the shower and get dressed and ready for church. I felt drawn to the beauty of the day in my backyard. So I took my first cup of coffee out and sat down to take in the day. Before long Geoff joined me and we decided to spend the morning there. I recently put up a couple of bird feeders and I hadn't noticed any birds on them yet so I was delighted to see this:

I've got a thing going on with birds lately. I've noticed that every time I'm in the car driving I get swooped (they fly down in front of the windshield) by at least one bird if not more. Occasionally they fly down the road in front of me as if they're leading the way. I got swooped by a bird in my backyard this weekend. It flew right past my shoulder. Once a bird actually hovered over me in my backyard. Is this weird? Does anyone else have these strange bird experiences? I'm just curious.

I'll leave you with another image from my morning yesterday. I love red. I have these lilies growing in a pot on my patio. Aren't they cool??

Thrive!

2009-04-22T05:14:00.001-07:00

I spent this last weekend working a Walk to Emmaus - #156. What an incredible blessing!! Forty-two women gathered in a conference room to hear and learn more about God's amazing love for them and how His grace is all they need. The transformation is what is usually so intriguing to me, from that moment they walk in to register looking somewhat apprehensive to downright fearful to that moment at the end where they are saying goodbye and hanging onto each other. The thing that was so different about this Walk is that they were hanging onto each other way before the end of this thing. These ladies bonded faster and more concretely than any group I've ever seen. I pray that God will continue to grow these relationships both with each other and with Him.

My job on this walk was to assist the director which found me at one point making a phone call for one of the ladies. The only place you can get cell phone service is upstairs at the end of a hallway. As I stood there making the call a hummingbird zoomed up within a foot of my face, hovered there for about 2 seconds and flew off. I was astounded. I honestly felt like God had sent that hummingbird to say, "Candy! I see you!" Then, because you never run out of God and there is always more - I looked over and saw the brightest red cardinal I have ever seen flying around out in the field, dancing, if you will (and I will). God is so good. He is always right there when we need Him or even if we don't. He is there. He's just waiting for us to see or hear Him. For me it's all about looking with spiritual eyes and listening with spiritual ears.

As I was walking back to load up my car and leave camp I passed by one of our incredible ladies from the praise team. In passing I told her what a blessing she had been to all of us that weekend. She stopped me and said this: "I've been watching you over the last 3 days." To which I replied, "You have??" She went on, "Yes, I have and I see now that you are a flower. The first day you were like a bud just beginning to open up. You were never closed up tight but just opening. As the weekend went on you became more full and open. Yes, you are a flower." Is that amazing?? This was God talking to me. You see, in November I'm going to talk to a group of young women ages 12-18 at a conference and the name is "Thrive!" and it's centered around a garden theme. With her words she had just confirmed to me that I am supposed to do it, and that God is already there. Did I mention her name is Rosetta? How good is God???

I'm finding out that when I am speaking to a group of people - no matter how large or how small - I become alive. I have never felt more joy or more alive than when God is using me to speak. Now, for those of you who know me, or have known me for any amount of time, you're falling off your chairs right about now. There was a time when I would have never considered speaking. In fact, I had no voice. I couldn't speak. Nothing came out. I had no words. He has changed me so much over the last 9 1/2 years. He has worked miracles in my life and He gave me a voice. I pray that I only use it to bring Him glory. I pray that I can give hope to others who are living in fear and suffering from the failure to thrive that I lived in for so many years. HE IS GOOD! HE IS GOD! Isn't it a relief not to have to be? (Well, we ought to be good but we don't have to be God, the job's taken!) That is very good news!

I intend to live like I know it.

2009-04-15T04:46:00.000-07:00

In case you hadn't noticed by now, I love Henri Nouwen. Every morning I wake up, get a cup of coffee and sit down at the computer to read my daily meditation. It's always good, but sometimes it hits me in a special way. Today was one of those days. Nine and a half years ago I went on a spiritual retreat called Walk to Emmaus. Before I went on that Walk I read novels like they were going out of style. I'm not sure what that means but I would read at least one or two a week. I love to read. When I came home from the retreat I was hungry for a different kind of reading. I couldn't read novels anymore. (although today I can) I had an insatiable hunger for the Word. I got up every morning at 5:00 or 5:30 for several years voraciously devouring anything God had said. Then I started reading spiritual books. Which leads me to this morning's meditation. Check this out:

Reading Spiritually About Spiritual Things

Reading often means gathering information, acquiring new insight and knowledge, and mastering a new field. It can lead us to degrees, diplomas, and certificates. Spiritual reading, however, is different. It means not simply reading about spiritual things but also reading about spiritual things in a spiritual way. That requires a willingness not just to read but to be read, not just to master but to be mastered by words. As long as we read the Bible or a spiritual book simply to acquire knowledge, our reading does not help us in our spiritual lives. We can become very knowledgeable about spiritual matters without becoming truly spiritual people.

As we read spiritually about spiritual things, we open our hearts to God's voice. Sometimes we must be willing to put down the book we are reading and just listen to what God is saying to us through its words.

As I said, I've done a lot of "spiritual reading" in the last few years. I'm not completely sure I read it spiritually. But I'm going to trust that it was not all in vain. I don't want to be one who is knowledgeable about spiritual matters. I want to be a truly spiritually person. NOT religious!! Heaven forbid! In my personal opinion religion has ruined spirituality for many of us. I'm just hoping I haven't passed along any of it to my son, Max. My dad was a hellfire and brimstone Southern Baptist preacher and my mom seemed to believe that God was up in heaven just waiting for us to screw up so He could thump us on the head and make us get on our knees and beg Him to forgive us. Today I know God as my loving heavenly Father, my Abba, Daddy. When I screw up today instead of cowering in a corner wondering how long it will take for Him to finish with the rest of you and get to me, I look up and there He is pulling me into His lap and holding me tight as I tell Him all about it. The whole time He is comforting me and declaring His everlasting love over me. That's what I want to pass on to Max.

Now don't hear me faulting my parents for the way I was raised. I don't think they knew any better. It makes me sad to think they've lived their whole lives afraid of hell and not in love with the Father. Wow. That really hit me. I am not afraid of hell. Amazing. There was a time in my life when I cowered at the thought of all that fire. Now I love fire - God's all consuming fire that refines me has set me free from fear of hellfire. I'm thinking that is pretty cool. Here's a photo that depicts God's fire to me. When I walk out my back door with my eyes drawn to the sky with the words, "Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love for I have put my trust in You" and I see this fire in the sky I know my mind is being refined, rewired. Now I tremble at His feet gladly in awe of His majesty and His love for me. "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!!!" Lavishly loved children of the Most High God! Now that I can get excited about.

It is Finished!

2009-04-11T07:48:00.001-07:00

The cross I've been working on, that is. Here it is:

(click on images to enlarge)

I had so much fun creating this depiction of Jesus washing the disciple's feet. Plus, as I mentioned before, I learned a lot. It was an interesting process for me. When Sarah first asked me to do a cross and listed the ones available I immediately chose this one. I had a picture in my head at once of what I wanted it to look like. The only thing that changed from the original image in my head is the faucet. That came during our preacher's sermon on Jesus washing the disciple's feet a couple of weeks ago. The song we sang right after the sermon was "Nothing But the Blood of Jesus". You know it. "What can wash away my sin? Nothing but the blood of Jesus." As we sang I saw in my mind's eye a faucet coming out of the cross with blood flowing out of it and into the pitcher. Then the water ran from the pitcher crystal clear. The faucet I saw had a handle on it. So, I went to the hardware store and found a faucet. It was just what I had envisioned only it was very shiny silver and rather large. I put it back and kept looking. That's when I found the little spout I ended up using. As I walked to the car with my purchase I was having a conversation with God, telling Him I wasn't sure this was going to work since I had envisioned a faucet with a handle. I clearly heard in my mind, "You can't turn me off". Ok, Wow! Of course not! We can't turn God on or off and the blood flowing from the cross is constantly cleansing us. I love it. It's perfect. God is so good. He is Alive and well!! He is Risen - Indeed!

Blog-a-versary!

2009-04-06T05:24:00.000-07:00

Today this blog is 5 years old! Amazing. Although I'm not very prolific, this still seems incredible. I'd like to do better at posting. Sometimes, like last night, in the middle of the night I wake up and think, "Blog about that!" But then I get up and I have no idea what "that" was, I just know there was something important enough to wake me up and make me think I needed to write about it. I think at those times I need to sit down and be still and ask God if it was as important to Him as it was to me and if so, please help me remember. But right now, I'm celebrating! Five Years! Wow!

And....I must finish this cross!! - which is coming along wonderfully. I'm hoping to finish it today. That's my goal! I'm putting the color on the bowl and pitcher. Words to be written. Attaching everything.

I've learned something about myself in the process. In the past I've been impatient with art. I want to sit down and start something and finish it right then. I'm not real fond of time consuming projects. Going through the process of building the bowl and pitcher through papier mache has been rewarding and has taught me to be a little more patient. As the finished product begins to reveal itself I'm excited and the destination has become worth the journey. I'm layering color on and the same thing is true. I'll know it's finished when I see it. It's not yet, but soon.

Isn't it just like God to take an art project and teach you a life lesson? Sometimes I'd like to skip to the end of everything. But there is worth in the process. There is God in the moments. I have another project I've set aside because I'm too antsy to do the minute by minuteness of it - I wanted it to flow so smoothly that I could get to the end quickly. When I didn't, I laid it aside as if it had no value. Huge mistake! I'll be picking that project back up as soon as I complete this one. Today is a grateful day for me. A humbling day.

This was my Henri Nouwen meditation for today:

Being Humble and Confident

As we look at the stars and let our minds wander into the many galaxies, we come to feel so small and insignificant that anything we do, say, or think seems completely useless. But if we look into our souls and let our minds wander into the endless galaxies of our interior lives, we become so tall and significant that everything we do, say, or think appears of great importance.

We have to keep looking both ways to remain humble and confident, humorous and serious, playful and responsible. Yes, the human person is very small and very tall. It is the tension between the two that keeps us spiritually awake.

Remember to look both ways today. I'm off to get my hands in the paint!!

It's Not About Me - Really, It's Not

2009-03-31T07:07:00.000-07:00

I need to get into "creative mode". In one week I'm delivering a cross decorated (for lack of a better word) as a station of the cross. This particular cross is going to portray Jesus washing the disciple's feet. I've had a lot of ideas but now it's time to put them into action. I wonder why I'm hesitant. It's not procrastination. It feels like something more than that. It feels like a huge responsibility. I just don't want to get it wrong. I want God to use this cross to transport those who see it to a place of cleansing - His cleansing - the cleansing of His blood and into a place of quiet, matter-of-fact, glory-sharing service. But more than that I want it to portray the love that it took to do what Jesus did - both in the washing of the disciple's feet and in dying on the cross. I know that if I let go and let God that's exactly what will happen. Right now I feel like I have my hands wrapped tightly around these fence pickets that my friend, Kevin, stapled together into a crude cross. I need to let go. I need to take the next steps to bring to life the vision in my head. Get in His Presence. Form the idea. Get in His Presence. Buy the stuff. Get in His Presence. Do the work. Get in His Presence. Ask Him to bless it. Then it will be complete. Actually, now, having worked through this process, I'm excited! Because really, it's not about me at all. That is the best news yet! Here's a before picture:

Lazarus

2009-03-16T05:08:00.000-07:00

My life has been amazing lately. God has me doing all sorts of awesome things. Last Sunday I "taught" a class on Soaking - this Sunday I was asked to do Communion thoughts at church. Let me just say at first I was very hesitant until they told me our preacher would be speaking on Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. Now that's something I can get my mind around. You see, He's done the same thing for me. I get it. Not so much in a literal sense but in a figurative, spiritual sense. I was dead - now I'm not. So I loved having the opportunity to say this:

After Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead he told his friends to take off Lazarus’ grave clothes and let him go. As I’ve thought about that statement this week, it’s made me wonder:

Why didn’t Jesus remove the grave clothes himself?

Why didn’t he just have Lazarus remove them?

What if Lazarus’ friends had just walked away - full of wonder that Jesus had just done this amazing thing, sure that Lazarus would be just fine now but then avoided him because he still smelled of death?

What if Lazarus was alive but not free? Saved from death but still bound - still wrapped up in his grave clothes? They say dogs smell fear, that it has an odor. So what is it that causes you to reek? Is it secrets you’re keeping, past mistakes you’re holding onto, are you living in fear of the future, the economy, what people will think of you, are you weighed down with the losses in your life or are you still angry that it turned out like this?

I don’t believe this is what God, our Father, had in mind for us when He sent His one and only Son to die for our salvation. He wanted us to have life - abundant life! Not life lived in the stench of death but life lived in the aroma of Christ - the aroma of extravagant love, contagious joy, deep abiding peace and liberating freedom.

I walked around bound like that for many years - 17 of them in this very church. I had accepted Jesus as my Savior, been baptized - but I was still walking around in my grave clothes. I was wrapped up in grief and fear and guilt and shame - the stench of which kept me at a distance from you. I thought that if you found out who I really was, where I’d come from and what I’d done you would shun me, certainly not welcome me.

I had to make the first step to freedom through confession. I had to walk out of the grave I’d made for myself by finally responding to His calling me out. I found someone I trusted and I opened up to that one person. It didn’t have to be the whole world. Who is that one person in your life standing within your circle that you could trust to help you remove the grave clothes? You may just need to open your eyes and see who it is that God has put in your path. I promise you that one person is here.

But God knew I needed all of you to love me, to accept me as I changed. You did not let either of us down. You have helped me remove the grave clothes through your open arms, by not judging me but accepting me for who I am becoming and not just who I was. This is what we are to do for each other. I wonder why we think we won’t.

I imagine there are many people sitting here in this very room who totally understand when I say I was saved but still bound. You may be sitting here thinking - that’s me - but looking at everyone else in the room thinking they’ve got it all together. Let me tell you, the majority of us are just like you. We need a safe place to be real - to get real. The church should be that safe place for healing and for cleansing and for confession. You’re longing for freedom from fear and all the rest and you wonder if it’s even possible. I’m here today to tell you - it is possible - and it is good. He is good! This is what our Father wanted for us from the very beginning. Relationship with Him. Relationship with each other. We were created for just this purpose. Full, abundant life! We need to be about loving and forgiving each other and helping each other love and forgive ourselves. Only then will we be able to love our neighbors. We need to become vulnerable in order to become approachable.
It’s really about truth and authenticity - being honest with ourselves and others. But mostly it’s about knowing His truth. In John 8:32 Jesus said that we who would be willing to know His truth would be set free. His truth is that He loves you with an everlasting, perfect, unconditional, extravagant love. This is the love that casts out fear. I wish I could tell you I’m there, that I am healed and cleansed and full of His truth and love. But this is a journey - an amazing and exciting journey we’re on. These things still rear up in me today - not nearly as often nor nearly as much. When they do I recognize them more quickly and readily as lies, and Jesus and I talk it out and move on. That, for me, is freedom.

If we, His children, are walking around debilitated by anger and grief and guilt and shame and fear why would anyone want what we have? The world wants freedom. They’re longing for it! They will only find it in Him - possibly through you.

So I encourage you today to open up to the possibility of healing and cleansing through His body and His blood. By His stripes we were healed! His body bore those stripes for us - for you and for me. By His blood we are cleansed! It was spilled to make us white as snow. Don’t let that supreme sacrifice be wasted on a life less lived. So wake up O sleeper, rise from the dead and Christ WILL shine on you!

Will you please pray with me?

(prayer for the bread)
Father - Wake us up from the slumber of self-inflicted walking death. Give us the courage to really live. Put people in our paths that might remove the grave clothes we’ve imposed on ourselves. Then put people in our paths that we might help. Help us to remember that though you died you now live and your grave clothes were left behind! As we eat this bread today remind us of the sacrifice your Son made so we might have life. Help us receive the healing it brings. In the precious powerful name of Jesus, I pray, AMEN

(prayer for the cup)
Holy Father - Abba - As we drink this cup help us once again receive the cleansing of your Son’s precious blood - spilled so we might live. Father, heal us and cleanse us and fill us with your Holy Spirit that others would want what they see in us so desperately that they will stop us and ask - what’s so different about you. Make us like you, Lord. Holy and alive. Thank You, Father. You are so very good. I love You so very much. Praise You Lord.

You wouldn't believe the response I received from this simple few minutes of truth. We are so hungry for the kingdom of God - for His truth - for love - for freedom. One woman told me my words had reached her granddaughter. Thank You God!! Another woman told me I had been talking about her life but that she just wasn't there yet. Come on Honey! It only gets better!! I promise!! So many people told me that they pray our church will begin to look like this. Please God! It is time! How do we do this? How do we go about becoming the people God designed us to be - full of love and life and light - making a difference in this dark world - seasoning it with HIS love - oh man this is my passion. I desperately want to drag everyone I know along with me - BUT GOD has His own timing. The thing is, we have to hear Him. We have to choose to respond - take one foot and put it in front of the other and walk out of whatever it is that holds us imprisoned in darkness. It may be unforgiveness. It may be anger - negativity - distrust - unbelief. It may be a plethora of things. He wants so much more for us. He wants us to be beacons to world. How can we do that and keep one foot in darkness? We can do and do and do until we're blue in the face and it will have done some good but will it change the person for whom you're doing? Or we can learn to be - just be - and the doing will come in ways we never imagined. I've found that out of my being my doing flows. Does that make any sense?

Ok, I'm done preaching. It's such a good life, this life of freedom from fear. I cannot believe I wasted all those years being afraid of things I had no control over. But I did and I'm not willing to let anyone else live there if I can help it. Of course, I can't make anyone change (that would be something I have no control over!) but I will not keep my mouth closed either.

Connection

2009-03-09T11:10:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about connections today. This morning I swallowed a camera pill. As I type, the camera is taking thousands of pictures of my insides and sending them to a mini computer(?) that is held on by a belt and suspenders. (Very attractive fashion statement, I might add) They attached about 10 electrodes to my body that make the "connection" possible. I'm amazed by this technology. Let me just say - it is not cheap.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to teach a class on Soaking at church. The class consists of young married couples with small children. I can't think of anyone busier than families with small children. I'm pretty sure the concept of laying down and resting and connecting to God is pretty foreign to this group. I was able to give them the chance to experience this in a shorter time period than our normal soaking time. It was fascinating to observe them as the music wafted over and through them. Most of them seemed lost in it. There were a few that looked totally uncomfortable. And I could tell some were distracted. Soaking takes practice. It's not easy to set aside all the noise we bombard ourselves with day in and day out. Right now for instance I hear myself typing, my dog barking, the wind blowing and the hum of the computer. This is as close to silence as I get in a day. If I add the music, strangely enough it takes out all the background noise and suddenly I'm able to focus on God. I think God gave us music to soothe our souls - or to energize us, depending on the music.

So where does connecting come into play here? I use Soaking music to connect to God. It works for me. It may not work for everyone. There's something about music that is specifically recorded to usher in the Presence of God. When the musicians set their focus on Him and play, it's just different, not just the music itself but the atmosphere it releases. I don't mean to imply that you can't focus on God without this music. I'm just telling you it works for me. So does nature. So does silence.

Late yesterday I heard that one of the men in the class had been feeling somewhat discouraged and disconnected lately. He had even told his wife about it on Saturday night. After class he was excited and told his wife it had been amazing and just what he had needed. God, in that short time span of about 20 minutes, had connected with him and given him hope.

It doesn't take long. It just takes surrender. Sometimes it takes getting to the point where you just cant' do it anymore and you're ready for anything. But God is good. He knows you. He knows your heart. Trust Him. I believe He desperately wants us to want Him.

Young at Heart

2009-02-27T12:53:00.000-08:00

One way to stay young at heart is to be around young people. They're contagious. Their joy and enthusiasm oozes out and if you get close enough, I swear, it will rub off on you.

The 6th grade girl's dinner (see last post) was a huge success! They were brilliant! The skits came together beautifully even though they hadn't had a chance to rehearse them with props and costumes. But these young women had a vision and they pulled it off! I love that. I did not share the same vision so to me it seemed miraculous. I think their parents had a blast. There was lots of laughter. That's always a good sign.

This weekend is our church's youth retreat. Sixth-twelfth graders - middle school and high school - all in one camp - all in one weekend! I love that. Our prayer is that they will actually interact. It could happen. If you supply food and fun and opportunities for it they will rise to the occasion. Of course it sure doesn't hurt to ask God to work big in their lives. After all, it is all about Him. I'm convinced. Last year's retreat had just over 40 kids and this year there are over 100. Something definitely went right. Last year Geoff and I were just drivers. This year the student leadership team asked me to lead a soaking time in the afternoon on Saturday. Uh, yeah! Sure! Then I got the call that one of the group leaders is sick and would I step in. Uh, yeah! Absolutely! I'm all over it. Geoff is volunteering in the kitchen. Doesn't that sound fun? Fun or not - it's a vital position with all those hungry kids.

So, if you read this, please say a prayer for us that God would cover us with His feathers and reign over the weekend. That would be really cool. Trying to stay young at heart...yours truly.
(Me and My Mom. She had a way of making me feel like a kid again.)

Sixth Grade Girls

2009-02-18T05:28:00.001-08:00

I've been busy lately with the annual 6th grade girls parent dinner our Wednesday night class plans for their parents. It's amazing what comes out of all that time. We start the second week in January and spend 2 1/2 hours every Sunday afternoon up at the church for 6 or 7 weeks planning, dreaming, scheming, writing, singing, dancing, crafting and bringing to life a theme they've chosen. Well, they're doing all that stuff. Diane, Julie and I sit back and watch mostly and try to keep them on task. It takes a lot of time. It is so fun. Those hours with the girls are some of the best hours of my life. Last Friday they came to my house to try to get some things done because they were running out of time and, let me tell you, it was a blast! Seven of them showed up.

But what I want to write about is this game they were playing called "Would You Rather". They would take turns coming up with things like, "Would you rather have a million dollars or a castle in the clouds?" Of course, the castle in the clouds was overwhelmingly voted yes. Then one of the girls asked, "Would you rather be deaf or blind?" That brought up a lot of great comments about whether or not we could live without music or color at which point one of the girls said, "I'd rather be blind because then I wouldn't judge other people when I see them." Wow. Okay. Blow me away. At that point another one of the girls looked at me and said, "That's why I love her, because she answered that question like that." The next thing we knew they were all hugging each other. Those are the moments I live for.

This is an amazing and intricate group of girls. There are a lot of situations in their lives that they're trying to make sense out of and I'm glad they have each other. I'm so grateful God put me in a room with them once a week (and every Sunday afternoon in January and February!) I learn a lot from each one of them.

The dinner is Saturday night. On Friday night we will meet at the church kitchen to cook. Oh that is always interesting. If you think of us, say a prayer - some of these skits could use a little work!! They always seem to come around and turn out though. It must be a God thing. This whole venture is really not about the dinner or the skits or the dances or the songs. It's about relationships and I would have to say it's been a rousing success on that front already.

2009-02-16T09:13:00.000-08:00

I think I posted not too long ago about the house on Palm Street here in Abilene that a group of women are restoring. One of our group recently wrote an update on what's been going on there and some of what we hope and dream for the future of the house. She did a great job so I'm going to paste it here:

PALM HOUSE MINISTRY UPDATE

God has done amazing miracles in the last year and a half in regard to the Palm House (an Oasis Ministry). The roof has been replaced (and some of it rebuilt), the electrical wiring has been replaced, the porch rebuilt, central heating and cooling and ductwork has been installed, the plumbing has been replaced, all the walls have been drywalled and on and on I could go. God has taken something very damaged and is restoring it which is the theme of our ministry. Our verse is Psalm 92:12 “Good people will prosper like palm trees, and they will grow strong…they will take root in your house, Lord God, and they will do well.” I wanted to give all of you who have prayed for us and all of you who have never heard of us an update. This month Matthew Oliver (FUMC) youth intern has joined our ministry team! He will be the facilitator and caretaker of the house. He will move in by the end of May. We are very blessed to have Matt on board. Please pray as God uses the next couple of months to prepare Matt for what lies ahead. Matt will share the good news of Jesus Christ with those who do not know him. He will mentor those who struggle with poverty or lack of education. He will encourage parents to love their children, and children to honor their parents. He will be a resource for hope, encouragement and practical help. He will help the people in our neighborhood to realize their incredible value in God’s eyes. He will be a spiritual presence in the neighborhood 24 hours a day to counteract the forces of darkness. If you would like more information about this mission of our church please contact the church office and one of the board members will call you back. Please pray for the Palm house work to be completed on time and for God to abundantly supply the resources and volunteers. Thank you to the many members of the church and many members from other churches that have already donated their time, money, and garage sale items! We are in need of the following supplies so if you have any of these that you are led to donate it would be appreciated in so many ways.

7’ fencing material, insulation, hardware for cabinets, sander for the floors, light fixtures, counter tops, furniture. Any monetary donations can be given to the office.

I'm so excited about Matt Oliver. He's an incredible young man with a vision of who God is restoring him to also. During our interview process, in the most humble manner you could dream possible, he told us he believes God has called him to greatness. His heart is so pure. I love it. We all need a vision like that one and the attitude to go with it. May God restore us all to a kingdom mindset - on earth as it is in heaven!

Bird-day Party!

2009-01-29T10:49:00.000-08:00

Tuesday we had an ice storm here in Abilene. Schools were closed and the temperature dropped drastically from the 60's, 70's and 80's we've been having this winter. It was so fun to spend the day with Max which doesn't happen very often these days. But the party was out back! The birds were hilarious. I was amazed at how many of them were on the beach entry in the pool. It looked like a party was going on out there! My guess is that the water temperature was warmer than the air temperature. Either that or they were desperately in need of a bath. Anyway, there were these guys:

There were lots of these fat little guys:

I wonder if they figured out they're a little early for spring! There were a few of these blue boys:

Someone invited a fur ball:

And this guys opinion of the whole thing made me laugh!

And I'm throwing this one in for good measure and because it took me a long time to actually catch a bird flying! Be amazed!

There you have it - the highlight of my week, well, after Max actually wanting to spend a day with me. Granted he was housebound but he stayed downstairs with me and that is what I'm talkin' about! Now if I could figure out how to load the video of him moon walking on the ice ...

Time Flies

2009-01-26T08:20:00.000-08:00

Where does the time go? It seems like everything has accelerated lately. I remember when I never thought it would be 2000 and here it is already 2009. Which reminds me and some of you remember this about me - others may not know - but 29 is my favorite number. For some reason God uses it to speak to me in the strangest ways. He did that on January 15th, the day Geoff turned 54. That day the headline on the sports page of the newspaper read, "Mason Jars Lakers" (apparently a guy named Mason was key in the Lakers' loss). He thought that was a clever headline (having been in the newspaper business many years ago, he's interested in that kind of stuff) so he read it aloud to us. I thought it was a clever play on words too but Max didn't get it so I explained to him that mason jars are the jars you use when you're canning...or it could be the name of a dive bar in Phoenix. That got Geoff's attention. We met at "The Mason Jar" on his 25th birthday - exactly 29 years ago. Now couple that with the year 2009 and I got excited. I believe this will be an amazing year for us. You may think this is crazy but I think God used that headline to help us remember meeting, to show us He was there and is here now, to show us how far we've come from that place and to get us excited about what's ahead. Geoff doesn't think like I do, but when I share these thoughts he does get it. He sees how God uses the number 29 in my life and he very generously accepts the fact. In other words, I don't think he thinks I'm crazy and that is generous! God knew just what he was doing 29 years ago when I found myself in a dive bar in Phoenix, Arizona with all my roommates making an initial connection with a guy who found himself there, too. It would take many months before we connected but the real story is that we eventually did. That headline might read "Mason Jar's Future Gilbert's". No one there that night would have believed it. It's true. Opposites attract - eventually. It's also true that God is good and He knows exactly what He is doing. It's also best to just go with it because He is relentless. Thank God.

Moving On

2009-01-09T08:52:00.000-08:00

I received this meditation today from the Henri Nouwen foundation. I've been thinking about it ever since. There is so much truth here.

Stepping over Our Wounds

Sometimes we have to "step over" our anger, our jealousy, or our feelings of rejection and move on. The temptation is to get stuck in our negative emotions, poking around in them as if we belong there. Then we become the "offended one," "the forgotten one," or the "discarded one." Yes, we can get attached to these negative identities and even take morbid pleasure in them. It might be good to have a look at these dark feelings and explore where they come from, but there comes a moment to step over them, leave them behind and travel on.

Have you ever gotten stuck in your negativity, poking around as if you belong there? Sometimes I think we don't even realize we're stuck there. I know because I've been there and done that. I thought that was who I was and there was no choice but to be that person. I figured that was my lot in life. After all that's where I came from and those were the choices I'd made. One time in particular when I was in a very difficult situation I desperately needed to get out of my mother actually told me, "You made your bed, now lie in it." She said that because she lived it. I really don't think she knew she had choices. We have no idea how our words affect the people we love. No idea. Ugh.

Luckily, in that particular circumstance I got the heck out of there. Today I know God led me out of a huge pit I'd jumped into. At the time I never gave Him a second thought. Today I am so grateful that He was there for me in spite of myself. I got out but I carried that bad choice and many others with me for years before I finally was able to let it go and quit poking around in them. Twenty-five years to be exact. I did let them define me. I finally sick and tired of being sick and tired. Bad choices are just that - moments in time where we choose wrongly. They do not define us nor do they identify us. God already did that. He identified you as "Beloved", "Accepted One", "Found", "Child" and so much more.

If you find yourself stuck in the darkness today I encourage you to deal with it and then step over it - into the light - leave it behind and get MOVing!! Travel on! If you need direction, email me. I will point you to help. This is a journey we're on and unless you've gone on to eternity you have not reached your destination!! There are places to see - people to meet - things to do! You can't do any of that stuck in a pit. Trust me. Freedom is intoxicating!! So get to forgiving yourself and others and let it go. You can do it!

Move

2009-01-01T08:13:00.001-08:00

My word for 2009 is "Move". It will be fascinating to watch that one unfold. I've been researching it and I'm really excited. This word is so multi-faceted. I don't think it means I'm going to physically move as to a new house or city or state. I do think it means I'm going to move my body more. I hope so. That would be a good thing. But it means so much more than the physical sense. It's really a rather deep word.

I always like to see what scripture has to say about my word each year. Besides all the moving around that was done here's what I found:

Ezekiel 36:27
And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.

John 11:33
When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.

Acts 17:28
'For in him we live and move and have our being.' As some of your own poets have said, 'We are his offspring.'

1 Corinthians 13:2
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

Then I went to a Greek translator online (since most of these verses were New Testament ones and I figured they were originally Greek) and entered "move". I came up with this:

1 συγκινώ . Δείτε επίσης: affect - carry - grab - move - touch
2 συγκινώ κάποιον μέχρι δακρύων move sb. to tears. Δείτε επίσης: move
3 συγκινώ την ψυχή τού.. stir the soul of... Δείτε επίσης: stir

affect-carry-grab-move-touch
move to tears
stir the soul of

Excellent! There is so much to look forward to. I want to be moved, stirred, grabbed, affected, touched, carried. And I want to be used to touch, stir, grab, affect and carry. This year the Palm House ministry should be launched in earnest. This is going to be a huge move for me. I pray it will be a huge move of God. I'm extremely excited about 2009!

As I typed all this I realized how much I have changed. In the past anything that remotely resembled change would throw me into a sheer panic. I wanted no part of it. But today, I realize change and movement is good. It is exciting. That is huge. Isn't God so very good?? I love Him so much sometimes I think I'll burst.

Happy New Year everybody!

Goodbye 2008 - Hello 2009!

2008-12-31T17:23:00.000-08:00

This morning I dug down to the bottom of my bowl of rocks to turn one over for my daily word and I was intrigued. Quite appropriate for the last day of 2008, I'd say.

Tomorrow I hope to reveal my word for 2009. Have you asked God for yours yet? It's awfully interesting to watch it unfold - both in the asking and in the revelation throughout the year.

Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-24T14:36:00.003-08:00

Here are some scenes from around my house. I'm a bit of a nativity fanatic, er, collector. These are the nativities that stay up year round in my house. There are more upstairs. I know. I'm a little strange. I want to be reminded of the miracle of Jesus' birth year round - not just in December.

When I was in Nashville last month at the National Youth Worker's Convention the theme was "Seriously Ridiculous" and this picture at the bottom was the logo. At first I didn't get it and I was a little put out with the look on Baby Jesus' face. But then as the weekend progressed I began to "get it". Imagine you are sitting at the right hand of God the Father and He looks over at you and says - "hey, how about you leave Paradise and go down there, be human for awhile and straighten things out for those people for me." What would you say? I mean He is your Father and you are the obedient one so of course you say yes. And then, you're born. What would the look on your face be? I think this is pretty close. And it is seriously (with earnest intent; not lightly or superficially) ridiculous (absurd) that He left Heaven to come here to earth and be like us - you and me. Totally human. I bet He's glad He's back where He belongs. I bet He wishes we understood what a sacrifice it was just to leave there and come here much less do the whole death/burial/resurrection part. Imagine. He chose us. That is...

Word for the Year

2008-12-16T06:56:00.000-08:00

These are the ultra cool rocks my friends gave me for my birthday. They combine two of my favorite things - words and rocks. Every one of them has a word on it. I decided I would turn them all over and every day I flip one over and that's my word for the day. It's fun! You'd be surprised how many people have done the same thing when they come through the house. Apparently everyone likes to play with rocks.

It's that time of year again when I sit back and ask God for a word for the new year. Last year my word was "wisdom". It's been fascinating. I have done the whole striving-to-get-it thing by participating in the "Wising Up" study by Beth Moore with a group of women. But I've found the wisdom that I have gained deep within has come through experiencing life. The death of my mom has taught me so many things about myself, about life, about families and relationships. That one experience alone would fill up any year.

Anyway, this was just a reminder to start asking God to show you your word, if you do that sort of thing. I'd love to know about your word for this last year. Was it something that blew you away? Or did you even think twice about it? It might be cool to get your word and then forget about it and pull it out at the end of the year to see how and if it manifested in your life. Hey, this is between you and God and if you'd like to share I'd love to hear it.

Water

2008-12-12T05:27:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I learned something new about myself.

It was about 5:00 pm and I was out skimming the pool. Our lovely pristine pool is surrounded by trees and this time of year it becomes quite the challenge. Add to that the fact that we've decided to face the fact that we have a leak and the guys are working on where it is and needed the equipment off and the pool is now green and it's not such a pretty picture out there. Did I mention the water is approximately 53 degrees?

So there I was trying my best to do what I could to maintain some ph balance while my mind was a million miles away and I felt it - that split second where you know something has gone wrong - the atmosphere shifts and BAM! - you're in the pool in December - and it's cold and it's green! I drug myself and my corduroys and my fleece shirt and my suede clogs out of there but quick and headed to the patio to disrobe to my skivvies and into the hot shower where I proceeded to double over laughing! The mental picture was hilarious!!

So, what did I learn about myself? I didn't beat myself up like I would have several years ago. I laughed. I was actually enjoying myself! I love me! And because I love myself I am free to love others even more! I think I've been this way for awhile now but yesterday it got from my head to my heart. It was a very good day.

How much can one person cram into two months?

2008-12-05T05:54:00.000-08:00

I'm going to attempt an update. Bear with me here. Since October my life has felt like a whirling dervish. I'm not even sure what a whirling dervish is but it sounds exactly right. The amazingly cool thing is that in the midst of the whirling I have been at rest. I have felt that place of rest inside. It has been a time of joy and sorrow, grief and loss, fun and conviction. I feel like I've been all over the board. Highs and lows - ups and downs - but always in the eye of the storm. Fascinating. So I'll attempt to fill you in since several people have asked.

On October 5th I got a new iMac. That alone is challenge enough. Then on October 11th my Mom died. I flew to Colorado and spent a week with my dad and brothers and extended family. The bonus was spending time with my amazing sister-in-law who I'd never really connected with and now feel very close to. She is absolutely precious. I am really thankful for her. I could do a whole month of posts on this one week. Suffice it to say I spent it with family. Use your imaginations - you probably still won't come close. Here's a glimpse of the view in Colorado Springs:

On October 25th we went to Muleshoe, TX for a friend's wedding which was beautiful and fun. Their family is more than just our friends - they are part of our family of choice. We love them deeply. Well, while I was in Colorado my dad gave me the ring I had made for my mom when I was about 20. It was a lost wax mother's ring with a stone representing each one of us. It was the only thing I really wanted that was hers. So what does this have to do with the wedding? I was wearing my mom's ring around my neck on a chain at the wedding and at some point the chain broke and I lost it. I know. It tears me up every time I think about it. I still pray for it to come back to me. I figure it's out there somewhere and God knows where it is. I can't help but wonder why I hung it around my neck on such a fragile chain. Was that some kind of psychological thing? Geoff even told me the next day that he nearly asked me if that chain was strong enough. I think it has something to do with how fragile my relationship was with my mother. The ring tangibly represented to her that I did love her. She hung onto it for over 30 years. I intended to do the same. Only I didn't. I'm learning that love is not tangible. But it is strong. And it is real, perhaps more real than a tangible indicator can represent. More to ponder.

A few days later on October 28th Geoff and I flew to Virginia via Baltimore to visit friends for several days. It was so good to just sit and talk and take in the joy of each other's company with no agenda. The men, of course, had sights to see - we opted for pajama time. It's good to have choices.

On November 10th I had my first colonoscopy and endoscopy. I have been fully poked and prodded for the year. I'm actually current on all my medical procedures and that is saying something for me! I hate that stuff but I get it. And I did it.

On November 15th I taught a class at the West Texas Girls Conference here in Abilene. The class was called "Return To Me (Loving God)". We soaked. Me and 300 or so high school girls. It was good. At least 3 different churches are planning to start their own soaking times for their high schoolers as a result of that time. God is so good. A couple of stories from that afternoon. I had butcher paper up on the walls and markers to draw or write with in case they felt the urge to move around. One young woman simply wrote "I saw JESUS". That's what it's all about. I wish I could have talked to her. Another young woman came up to me and said her word was "daughter". She said after she received that she kept hearing, "you are so wonderful" over and over. I guarantee you that's exactly what she needed to hear. Here are a couple of pictures that will warm your heart:

Those are high school girls soaking in the Love of the Father. You have to love that.

On November 21st I flew to Nashville with one of our church's youth ministers, Sarah, for the National Youth Workers Convention put on by Youth Specialties. There is no way I can relate to you how much fun and how convicting that four days was for me. Worship was led by Mercy Me, Jars of Clay, David Crowder Band, Lincoln Brewster, Shane and Shane, Kendall Payne, and a group called Starfield which I'd never heard of before but am a huge fan of now. They were all incredible. Speakers included Francis Chan (oh my gosh, amazing), Mark Yaconelli, Tony Campolo, Shane Claiborne, Andrew Marin and a woman named Danielle Strickland who left me so convicted of sharing the GOOD news. She is the Salvation Army's Social Justice Director for the Australian Southern Territory. She left me with a mental image of God standing before me with His hand on my forehead asking, "Now do you remember?" Do we remember what we're doing here? Surely I will blog more about this later. Remind me if I don't get to it. It was profound. Here's a shot of the stage with Mercy Me:

If you know me at all you know I love concerts so I was in "hog heaven" (as my mom would say). I loved it! Besides that, distracted by worship was a great way to spend my mom's first birthday after her death.

I got home on Monday night and immediately started thinking about turkey as Thanksgiving was three days away and people were coming! It was a blast! Here's our group shot:

We had the Mhlanga family from Zimbabwe and the Xu's from China along with several students, a new face at our table, Roger, and of course the McGilbutt's. It was so much fun!!

Last Tuesday Geoff and I went to Dallas to hear Michael W. Smith and the Dallas Symphony do their Christmas concert. It was incredible! It certainly helped get me in the mood for Christmas. We got to meet Smitty who's a really good sport. It was good of him to squat there for the photo! Here's proof:

It's a terrible picture but all we had was my iPhone and really bad lighting.

I'm fully decorated for Christmas though the boys may put up some lights outside yet. I even ordered Christmas cards which I haven't sent out in quite some time so that will be a treat. Next week we're having a garage sale to benefit our Palm House. That was brilliant planning - NOT! But we're having it and we will have fun. For those of you who are local - come on by Saturday at FUMC and if you have any donations - leave me a note! We'll come by Friday and pick them up.

Those were the high points. Eight different states were involved in the last two months travel and I was in Dallas 8 times. Amazing. I loved it though I could have done without that first unplanned trip. I hope you weren't too bored. I could write ten posts out of this one and maybe I will. But for now, that will do.

Hello There

2008-11-09T06:47:00.000-08:00

So, it's been awhile since I last posted. I'm not sure how many of you still read this thing but I know one who does, so here I am. Hi Jack! Thanks for the kick in the butt!

Things are not all hunky dory in Candyland. (Hunky dory - my mom used to say that.) My mom died. I knew she would. When I saw her in June I knew she couldn't go on living like that for long. She was so frail. But she was very much alive. She was very much alive on Monday, October 6 when I last spoke to her. She was wondering why she was still here. She told me for the umpteenth jillion time that when she was 19 she was told she wouldn't live to be 20. She was living for a year in a sanitorium for TB. I told her I was on my way to a prayer group and she asked me to have them pray for her. I said I sure would. When I got there I told them what she had said and they asked how they should pray. I asked them to pray that God would bring her home. That's what we did. And that's what He did the following Saturday - October 11. I always knew I'd get a phone call late in the night. I did. I was still up. Geoff answered the phone. I knew. It was that simple.

My mom was dealt a pretty lousy hand in this game of life. Nevertheless she lived it with as much grace as she could muster. Sometimes it didn't seem like enough grace to those of us around her but I see now in hindsight that it was abundant grace and she was abundantly graceful. I would not have wanted to live the life she was dealt. Yet I did live mine beside hers for 18 years. Then my grace ran out and I made the choice to leave. It was high time(as my mother would say). She never understood my leaving. It wasn't in her nature to leave. I don't think she knew she could. That's why God gave her the strength to stay I guess. And in her staying, now that she is gone, I am learning so much. I'm still processing the life and death of my mother. I probably will for as long as I live. Because it's true what they say about how the dead live on in those of us left living. It is so true. I still feel her here inside me. I think that's all for now. Thanks for caring. Oh and one more thing. God is good. Never ever forget that. And you are loved - perfectly.

Very Cool Video - take the time to watch it - be blessed

2008-10-08T06:22:00.002-07:00

Very Cool Video - take the time to watch it - be blessed

2008-10-08T06:22:00.001-07:00

The Palm House - an Oasis ministry - for those who thirst

2008-09-25T09:44:00.000-07:00

Several years ago some women had the idea to buy an old house in a neighborhood that was "at risk". They spent hours driving around looking for the house God would show them and ended up purchasing the house at 433 Palm here in Abilene. I was not a part of the original idea but as they talked about it I caught the vision and wanted desperately to be involved. So I jumped in with both feet.

At one of our first meetings we were talking about what to call it. I went home and asked Geoff if he could come up with something. He thought about it for about 30 seconds and came up with "Oasis on Palm - a ministry for those who thirst". He's amazing. I love the part about "for those who thirst". Isn't that all of us?? It doesn't single out anyone. It's for everyone. Inclusive. I love that. I like to think this house will be an Oasis. Many words have been spoken over this house. Words of hope and glory. Words of healing and restoration. I pray that this will be a place of rest. Doesn't that sound divine?

One of the first things that happened in the divine sense was that a friend of ours' ex-husband, who was in jail, heard about the vision and drew a picture of it. This was before the house on Palm had been purchased. In the drawing God is holding His palm over a house with glory pouring out over it as 12 women surrounded it with their arms linked. It was really cool to find out the house is on Palm Street. It kind of made sense.

But for now there is much to do. The house is over 100 years old. It's both amazing and in need of TLC. To date we have had it levelled, central heat and air installed, plumbing and electric redone and it is sheet rocked. There is still much to do. We have appliances donated but we need a kitchen (cabinets, etc.)- and bathrooms. And lots of finishing touches. As a bunch of women we can't wait to get to those! This weekend a social club from a local university (HSU) is coming to tape and bed for us. How cool is that?? Many hours have been served. Many people have been incredibly generous. God just keeps bringing people. We are so grateful!! There is no way we could have done it all ourselves.

The cool thing is that we have noticed the neighborhood around us beginning to show signs of restoration as we work on God's house. It's contagious! I just hope the neighbors don't give up on us. It's been a long road. We run out of money and have had to wait some things out. But we are determined to see this vision to completion!

I was spurred on to write this when I had a text from a friend this morning. You see, we sent out letters explaining our "mission" and asking for help. If you received one of these letters may this serve as a little more explanation. If you catch the vision, jump in. If not, pray for us. We need all the prayers we can get. If you didn't get one and want to help out, leave a comment and I'll fill you in.

I'll keep you updated. I thought I had a picture of it but I can't find it now. I'll take one and post it. It's really quite an incredible place.

Taking Every Thought Captive

2008-09-15T07:30:00.000-07:00

How many times have you heard the concept, "take every thought captive"? How often have you wondered - HOW?? I was reminded of this again yesterday afternoon after suffering through at least 24 hours of not having done so. God is funny. In a good way. He knows just what we need exactly when we need it. If we'll just take the time to listen He will definitely speak. It may sound like a guy with an English accent but there's no doubt they are God's words.

Yesterday afternoon we listened to a cd by Graham Cooke (the guy with the English accent) called "Clothed in His Promises". One thing I love about this guy is that he talks about Holy Spirit with such joy and laughter in his voice, as if he knows something we don't know - that Holy Spirit IS joyful and full of peace. What part of Comforter do we not understand? In one segment he talked about taking every thought captive. He said to make it a game with the Holy Spirit, that for every negative thought we have God places a brilliant positive thought right beside it. The game is to reach out and grab the positive thought! How often do we actually think to have fun with negativity? or with God for that matter? This is revolutionary! I would much rather go through life drinking it all in - living it, even the bad times or sad times, than letting it drag me down to some depth of misery. Now to remember to do that is another story. But if I ask God to help me I figure I'll have a much stronger chance of reaching that goal. My friend Kathy told me a quote she'd read the other day. It goes like this: "Pain is inevitable but misery is optional". It's true. We have choices!! Sure there are times when we need to let ourselves go there for awhile, possibly to learn something we wouldn't learn any other way. BUT I am convinced that God does NOT want us to live there - to abide there. No! He wants us to abide in Him and He is all love and peace and joy. He is not misery. So maybe we need to give ourselves a time limit on misery. Say you're headed there and you know it, or maybe you just realize that's where you are - give yourself an hour or 2 or 24 to really feel it and then ask God to show you His love there in that place. Hey, I don't know. It could work. In Ecclesiastes 3:1 Solomon says there is a time for everything. He didn't say it had to last forever. I'm encouraged by knowing that God is there. And if He is, then so is love and joy and peace and Hope! There's just no getting around it. He's everywhere at all times.

All this to say I let misery get a hold of me Saturday and I didn't like it one bit. So I'm letting it go and choosing joy - again! AND Gratitude!

You'll love this. I just clicked over to see a new email I'd just received and, along with some VERY FUNNY photographs of food art was this quote:

Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset or mad, is a full minute of happiness you'll never get back.

How appropriate!!

I want to add one more thing here. I am not talking about grief. Grief is it's very own cup of tea and we all do it differently. There is no time stamp on grief. I'm talking about letting the little or even the big things in life rule your life. If you can control it, by all means control it. If you can't, let it go. Don't miss the joy in each minute.

Come Out Come Out Wherever You Are

2008-09-11T08:28:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking lately about how downright good God is. Just flat out good. And it amazes me all over again. It's been raining here in Abilene. A lot. I love the rain. I love the thunder. I love the way the air feels fresher. I love the smell. I have, however, been proven a wimp. A weenie. A chicken. Monday night it was pouring down rain as I was driving across town to Soaking. Max called me to say he'd just gotten home from football and the water was up to his knees getting in his truck and would I please come home. Ahhh...how sweet. What's a mother to do? So I turned around and went home. I was actually pretty glad to at the time since I was traversing giant puddles that were freaking me out. Then I sat at home wishing I had gone on. I felt like I was missing out on something. At home we were safe and comfortable and languishing in front of the television. (Side note: I typed in languishing and then I wondered if I'd used the word properly. Oh yeah. I did. My thesaurus lists "get weaker", "rot" and "decay" as some synonyms and the dictionary says this: "1 a: to be or become feeble, weak, or enervated b: to be or live in a state of depression or decreasing vitality 2 a: to become dispirited b: to suffer neglect" If that doesn't describe television viewing I don't know what does and still, I do it.) Eventually we started bickering among ourselves over stupid little stuff like my peabrained thinking for one thing. And again, I wished I had braved the storm and gone to Soaking because I know that this is the one place and time I find my balance.

So what does this have to do with anything? I'll tell you. This is how I have lived my life. Afraid. Settling for less. There are things I know I am suppposed to do but I shrink back. Yes it was sweet for Max to ask me to come home. But sometimes that's exactly what happens to us in life. We let others call us back into the safety zone, that place of comfort, that place of complacency. There are things I do that I know I'm not supposed to do but others are doing them and that appears to make it okay. On the surface. They're not okay. I don't want to go along with the crowd. I want to be myself. My true, authentic self. And I wonder who that is!!! I have deep longings to do things that actually scare me. All this to say apparently I'm still living in fear. I hate that!! I do not want to live there! The landscape is dark and luminous and I live in the light!!! I am a child of the light! That is where I want to live.

One thing I long to do is write. Sure I write on here and I write in my journal. And that really is enough for me but apparently it is not enough for God. Dang it. I keep seeing and hearing that there is more to be done. I even have a title and a table of contents. How funny is that!! The other day I was at our local bookstore and I actually had a vision of a book I'd written on the shelf. I could see it sitting there. UGH!!! Now you might think I'm afraid of failure. Really? No. I'm not. I would be fine seeing it on the clearance rack instead of on the best seller shelf. I'm really more afraid of success. I am petrified of becoming a proud, arrogant successful person. I'm so afraid I will think I did it - look at me. This literally makes me tremble. And then I think about "languishing". The antonym for languish is "flourish" which means "to thrive, grow, increase, prosper"; which all sound so very good and how we're meant to live. These are immediately followed, however, by "flaunt, display, fanfare, show" which send me cringing again. So there must be a fine line between His best for us and our perverting it. That's the line over which I am terrified to step.

And then I remember - God is good. I find myself always saying this all the time: God is good! And then sometimes I think - that isn't the half of it. And it's not. He's so much more than that, but this time I looked it up and here are some synonyms for "good": "High-quality, good quality, first-class, first-rate, superior, fine, excellent, decent, respectable, moral, upright, virtuous, noble, worthy, blameless, enjoyable, pleasant, nice, satisfactory, agreeable, lovely, delightful, skillful, able, proficient, accomplished, talented, expert, capable, clever, competent, helpful, beneficial, sound, safe, advantageous, reliable, trustworthy, useful, nice, fine, pleasant, fair, sunny, well-behaved, well-mannered, polite, obedient, well brought-up, benefit, help, profit, gain." He is all this and more. So why don't I trust Him?

Okay so now I have confessed my greatest fear.

What's yours?

Life

2008-09-08T08:34:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile. Thank you, Blondie, for so kindly bringing that to my attention. I'm not sure why I haven't posted or where I've been, so I have absolutely no excuses. Sometimes I think I'm waiting it out to see who will hang in here and it has worked. Not nearly as many people come here anymore according to the site meter. I don't consider this a bad thing. I figure this will be read by the people meant to read it and if that's nobody then that's okay. Rambling here. Maybe that's why I havent' posted lately. I don't really have much to say. Also, my camera is full and I can't upload them onto my computer because it's full and I find that whole phenomenon depressing. I need to take the time to move photos around. It would be nice to organize them in the process. That seems like a daunting task. I have a couple thousand photos. And I can't bear to delete even one of them. I could be a photo pack rat. This could be an issue I may have to deal with in the future. HELP! Is there a meeting for this? I just think blog posts are a little more interesting with pictures.

This is what I've been up to lately:

Currently obsessing over Samson.
Soaking, soaking and more soaking
Football season
Volleyball season
Talking to young women I adore

I lead a simple life. There's just really not much to tell.

Sunday Afternoon Soaking

2008-08-03T04:24:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning excited. It's Sunday. Today I have the opportunity once again to take part in something God is doing! And that excites me. A few weeks ago we started a Soaking time for our high schoolers at our church. At 3:30 on Sunday afternoons they converge on one of the youth rooms, pillows in tow, for the specific purpose of being still and knowing God. It is amazing. We've had anywhere from 5 to 17 but each week someone shows up. As long as someone shows up - I'll be there.

The week we had 17 people in the room I was completely blown away. I was sitting over in a corner praying over them when I opened my eyes and there they were - all those kids spread out all over that hard floor - still. I asked God if He was seeing what I was seeing and how did that make Him feel. I was filled with this huge sense of excitement - a thrill went up my spine. I think God is thrilled when we take time to come away and "be" with Him, with no other agenda but to know Him more.

I came to the realization at some point in my Soaking time that God has used this practice of being still to endow me with my sense of identity in Him more than anything else I have done. And I've done a lot. Don't get me wrong. Recovery is and was a huge part of my life. But as for my identity - who I am - why I'm here - that gift has come as a result of Soaking. That is what I hope and pray that these kids find here in this lamplit room, with "Jesus music" playing, as they're splayed across the floor - some resting, some sound asleep, some wrestling with discomfort, some just plain wrestling with the false identities they've been carrying. I'm trusting Father God, Abba, Papa to show up and love on them. I know I won't be disappointed. Because God is so good. His love endures forever. But I also want Holy Spirit to show up in power and might and bring legions of angels to minister to these kids right where they are - to wrestle with those, for lack of a better word, demons that they carry - you know the ones. You'd recognize them if you saw them too. Peer pressure, pride, vanity, self-image, lust, need to perform, fear, anger, resentments, control issues, manipulation, lack of trust. I could go on and on. But that's why I do this, show up every Sunday afternoon at 3:30. For hope.

Besides that it's the Sabbath. Isn't that what we're supposed to be doing? Resting?

Heart Over Head

2008-07-30T05:25:00.000-07:00

While we were in the Prayer Room this last weekend a friend came in and told us this story. A man received the prophetic word, "heart over head" one night at a meeting. He didn't really understand what it meant so he asked God to show him. Within the next week his wife went into labor and he rushed her to the hospital to have their baby. When they got there the baby was in distress and the doctor started yelling, "Heart over head! Get her heart over her head!" They got his wife down on her knees with her head on the floor in front of her, rear end in the air. This position cleared the birth canal so the baby could be born. I cannot tell you what an impact this story had on me. It became entirely clear to me that when we humble ourselves and get our hearts over our heads we will receive freedom and new life!

How many times have you tried to "get" something? It always seems like I understand spiritual things in my head but there's some road block between there and my heart. I think I found the key to getting past the road block. Heart over Head. Humility. Surrender. I have known this but now I have a visual and a practice to set it into place. Huge things happened in the Prayer Room when we all found ourselves on our knees with our hearts over our heads. That was the moment my life was changed.

Glory

2008-07-29T06:48:00.000-07:00

I spent the weekend in the Prayer Room at the Girl's Chrysalis. I was completely blown away by the power and majesty of God - again - by His goodness, His grace and His love for us. Every time I am given this opportunity I am changed forever. In November, 1999 I attended the adult version of the same retreat called Walk to Emmaus. God used that weekend to begin a work in me that has brought me to this place I find myself inhabiting today - a place of worship and freedom. My former self is a mere shadow dimly fading. Thank You God!! This weekend felt like a purification process for those 42 young women. They were being restored to purity. The former things are gone, washed away. Behold!! They are new creations! God is so very good. I feel fresh and new, too. Somehow purified. And it is so very sweet. I wish this for everyone. Freedom is a much better place to live than in bondage or denial. Trust me, I've experienced all 3 and this is WAY BETTER!!!

Last night at soaking my friend, Amy, suggested we ask God to show us how He sees us. My mind went immediately to a photograph I have of myself at about 3. That little girl was terribly shy and afraid of everything. Today I know that she is full of life and laughter! Then I heard the word "pure". I was so humbled. In my adult life I have not thought of myself as pure. But that is how God sees me. Amazing. When Amy prayed over me she heard "sparkling pure like a clear crystal". She wrote it down. Confirmed! I have a book called The Name Book which gives the inherent meaning of your name and then a spiritual connotation, along with a scripture. Candice inherently means "Unblemished". The spiritual connotation is "Shining". My scripture is Isaiah 62:3, "You shall also be a crown of glory in the hand of the LORD, and a royal diadem in the hand of your God." How amazing is that? Hey, if you want to know what your name means, comment me and I'll post it here. That'll be fun!

Anyway, today I am a new creation and I live to glorify and worship my King. I may be called to do some strange looking things so watch out if you sit by me in church. I'm not in the mood to be afraid of what you're thinking anymore.

Fortress Mission Trip

2008-07-12T17:57:00.001-07:00

This week I accompanied 21 middle school girls and 7 other sponsors to Ft. Worth to serve the Fortress Youth Development Center. This is one very cool ministry. They have a church that meets there on Sundays and the rest of the time they serve the neighborhood. There were kids all over the place. They have literacy programs, VBS programs, and just a whole lot of fun.

Our team did a lot of cleanup. We weeded gardens, cleaned trash out of a creek at the park, organized the barn, cleaned their kitchen, bathrooms, floors and just about everything that needed cleaning. Another amazing thing we did was a drive by prayer time. We followed their director around to different parts of the community, stopping along the way to hear what was going on in that area and then we broke up into groups of 3 or 4 and prayed over that space. It was very powerful to see these young women pouring out their hearts for this area and the residents there. Along the way there was poppin' and lockin' and steppin' and chantin' and crumpin' and paying it forwards. We even squeezed in a Ranger game and shopping. There was never a dull moment I tell ya.

Some of the many people who had a huge impact on me this last week at Fortress were Mrs. Dee, Michael, Willie, Juan, Daniel, Dr. Tiggs, Kenneth and a whole slew of amazing young women. I have a whole new appreciation for our youth minister who managed to keep us all safe and busy and incredibly organized. That is a huge job.

Lately I've been noticing birds. They seem to be all over the place doing odd things. The first day on our way to Fortress I looked up and saw a flock of black birds with one lone white bird flying right in the middle of them. I thought that was an odd sight. I'd never noticed anything like that before. The second day on our way to Fortress there was one white bird flying over us. Then again on the third day, same thing, one lone white bird. I mentioned it to Sarah sitting next to me and she looked at me kind of funny. On the fourth day we were driving to the mall when we saw a herd of cows and on one of the cows there sat a big white bird. When I pointed it out Sarah said, "There's your white bird for today." Interesting. I'm not sure what to make of it. I just love that we were followed around by white wings. Could be there's some significance. I'm just not sure. I know one thing. It was an amazing four days and I want to go back next year.

Dancing

2008-06-25T05:36:00.001-07:00

Do yourself a favor and take 4:29 minutes our of your life to watch this video. I guarantee it will lighten your spirit. If not, you are in a very dark place and may need medication. :o)

I just with I had done it. Don't you? What a lucky guy. What a great job.

Kenny

2008-06-22T05:26:00.000-07:00

I'm home. I feel like I've been gone for months. It was 10 days. We've been on a whirlwind trip to Colorado, New Mexico and Arizona mostly visiting relatives. My brother, Kenny, died on Friday, June 13. He was in Phoenix. I was in Colorado. He was surrounded by his family. I was with my mom and dad. It was all exactly as it should be. My two other brothers were there with him. They say he died very peacefully in his sleep. For that I am grateful. He had COPD (emphysema). It could have been a terrible way to die but God is good.

I've been amazingly okay with all this. Either that or I'm numb. I choose to think I'm okay. And this is why. About two months ago at Soaking I had the most amazing experience involving Kenny. I cannot remember what the prompt was that got me thinking about him but there he was - prominently highlighted in my mind and heart. I asked God how to pray for him and I got some very specific instructions. This is what I heard: "Wrap him up in a blanket of forgiveness. Kiss him gently on the forehead. Tell him you love him no matter what." So I did. Then I went home and wrote him an email telling him exactly what I had experienced. Right here I'd like to insert that this was highly unusual. I cannot remember the last time I had spoken to or seen Kenny. Although at my mom's this last week I found a picture of he and I together 10 years ago (which I will post as soon as I get it scanned in). In order to email him I had to track down an email address through myspace connections. Anyway, this is the response I received:

"That's enough of me, now this experience you had at your friend's home dosen't seem odd to me at all, remember your dealing with "the Great Spirit" ( as the first americans called him), anything is possible.
A lot of people, friends, and family have been praying for me, so he decided to let me hang out here a while longer.
Here's the way I see it, every living thing on this earth has a spirit, we start off as a spirit, he puts that spirit into a human body and sends out on a journey on this earth to see what we're made of. He put before us obsticles, mountains to climb and valleys to enjoy along with other tests and at the end of the journey, he looks us over to see how we ended up. Now I sure have'nt ended up rich and famous, and I sure have'nt ended with all of the toys, but I truly feel that is'nt what he wanted us to do. Anyway, at the end of the journey our body dies and the spirit goes back to him. I also feel everyone was put here to do something and I may not have done my job yet, that's why I'm still around. Enough of that.

I really enjoyed hearing from you, and of your unique experience, but I'm tired now, it's time for my nap.
Love you sis, bye bye."

And that is why I am okay. We had said goodbye.

Perfectly Loved

2008-06-13T07:26:00.000-07:00

As I write this I'm in a hotel in Amarillo. We're on our way to Colorado Springs to attend the wedding of one of the most amazing young men I know and his equally incredible fiance. It just so happens my family lives in Colorado Springs - mom, dad, two brothers. My brother Kenny from the last post lives in Phoenix, which is where we are headed on Tuesday. All that to say that the next week will be quite emotional and long - very long - filled with happiness and sadness. We all miss Tyler. His absence from the wedding festivities will be strongly felt. My brother is dying. My parents are really old - 87 and 92. How long can that go on? And that is all what is going on now - here in the natural. Inside of me there is so much more happening. And all I can think of is this: "I am perfectly loved." If I can focus on that one truth all the rest will take care of itself. Perfect love casts out fear. Perfect love speaks love. That is my prayer. That my words will reflect what is in my heart - all week. That I will not succumb to behaviors of the past but will rise to the knowledge of who I have become and am becoming.

After I had emailed some of this to a friend this morning I clicked over to my Henri Nouwen daily meditation and this is what it said:

The Source of All Love

Without the love of our parents, sisters, brothers, spouses, lovers, and friends, we cannot live. Without love we die. Still, for many people this love comes in a very broken and limited way. It can be tainted by power plays, jealousy, resentment, vindictiveness, and even abuse. No human love is the perfect love our hearts desire, and sometimes human love is so imperfect that we can hardly recognise it as love.

In order not to be destroyed by the wounds inflicted by that imperfect human love, we must trust that the source of all love is God's unlimited, unconditional, perfect love, and that this love is not far away from us but is the gift of God's Spirit dwelling within us.

Isn't God absolutely good?

Family

2008-06-11T05:41:00.001-07:00

I don't know about your family, but mine is unusual. As I type that I realize that is an understatement. I know most families are strange and that there is no real "normal" out there. But, man, my family is still unique from most families I know about or have been around.

Yesterday my oldest brother, Kenny (the tall one on the far right), was taken off of life support. He is dying of emphysema. I can't remember him not smoking. Now, he's dying. He's 63 years old, 10 years older than me - and my twin brother, Randy. Once when Randy and I were probably about 9 years old we found his cigarettes in the shed behind our house. Randy insisted that we try one. I, of course, being the more intelligent and God-fearing twin would have none of it, that is until he threatened me and I took a puff - or two. Randy was determined to do it and he was going to take me down with him. That's pretty much the story of our young lives. Anyway, somehow my mother found out. That woman was amazing. She knew EVERYTHING. To this day we think it was because she found a match in the driveway. We had disposed of all the rest of the evidence completely. It had to be the match. We were in such big trouble. I remember being confined to my room on a beautiful summer day, thinking about what I had done, trying to figure out the evil in it and begging God for forgiveness - which today I see as spiritual abuse but that's a whole other story. The funny thing is that I don't remember Kenny getting in any trouble at all. And they were his cigarettes. Although I do remember him being angry with us because we'd blown his hiding place, so maybe he did have some consequences. But he never quit. Not once. I don't think he could.

I basically lost track of Kenny at some point along the way. He lives in Arizona. I can't remember the last time I saw him or heard his voice. But a couple of months ago, prompted by an experience I had at Soaking, I contacted him through email (thank you myspace!) and we had a very short exchange that constituted my making my peace with him and our reconnecting. God is so good. I see now that He knew what was ahead. He knew I needed to say some things and He gave me a way to say them. I am so grateful that I listened. I am so grateful that Kenny responded.

I love him.

He's my big brother.

I'll never see him again. Not here.

That makes me sad.

But I can't cry.

Memorial Day

2008-05-26T08:21:00.000-07:00

Pause to remember. Take a moment and say a prayer of thanks for those who have given so much to so many in the name of freedom. Today I wonder what they are thinking as they remember the years spent away from home in the arms of terror, as they remember those who were lost, as they remember their homecomings and how they were accepted or rejected upon their return. I want to hug a veteran today. I want to tell him or her that I have no idea what they went through but I am so grateful for their heart and their courage that led them to give up their own home, their own families and bravely do whatever it took to secure our freedom. Deep inside me something cries out for peace. Surely this cry abides within each of us. Surely we are all alike.

I read a poem the other day by Rachel Corrie from a book her family has put together of her writings and drawings called, "Let Me Stand Alone". She died at the age of 23as she tried to block the deomolition of a Palestinian family's home in the Gaza Strip. In the poem she states, "We have got to understand that they are us. We are them." She was writing in regard to those who are starving all over the world. She wrote this when she was 10 years old. Today as I think about where we've been and where we are and where we might be going, this one line resonates within my heart. Could it be that we all deeply long for peace? War and Peace. What a dichotomy. Does the end justify the means? I'm not saying war is wrong. I'm not saying war is right. I'm just posing questions that make me long for home, my real home, and I pray one more time: "'Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name,your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven..."

God Can - literally

2008-05-14T06:43:00.000-07:00

I've told two people about my God Can in the last 3 days so I think I'm supposed to blog about it. Here it is:

It's not pretty. It doesn't have to be. It's my God Can.

Years ago when I was struggling with letting go of all sorts of things and people, a friend suggested I get a God box. The whole idea was that when something was eating away at you, you would write it down on a piece of paper, fold it up and put it in the box, thereby placing it in God's hands. When you start worrying about it all over again, you take it out of the box and hang onto it until you're ready to give it back to God. At that point you place it once again in his hands (the box). Long story short, it just didn't work for me. I complained about it at a meeting one night at which a young man informed me that the problem was I had a box and not a can. I'm thinking, "yeah, right, a can will make the difference". A few days later he brought me the can in the picture above. I decided to give it a try. And you know what? It did make a difference. "I can't. God Can. Let Him." works much better than, "I can't. God Box. Let Him." HA! I love it. Literally. God Can. Let Him.

Scenes From Shiloh-Words from St. Augustine

2008-05-08T08:02:00.000-07:00

This is where I was Tuesday.
It was an amazing day for me. A friend asked me to join a group of women in a place called Shiloh. Shiloh has been in this family for 6 generations. I could feel the depth of their roots there. I wanted to pitch a tent and stay a week.

These guys were there, too. They've already pitched their tents.

This is where I am today.

"Late have I loved you, beauty so old and so new: late have I loved you. And see, you were within and I was in the external world and sought you there, and in my unlovely state I plunged into those lovely created things which you made. You were with me, and I was not with you. The lovely things kept me far from you, though if they did not have their existence in you, they had no existence at all.

"You called and cried aloud and shattered my deafness. You were radiant and resplendent, you put to flight my blindness. You were fragrant, and I drew in my breath and now pant after you. I tasted you, and I feel but hunger and thirst for you. You touched me, and I am set on fire to attain the peace which is yours." St. Augustine

Daily Meditation

2008-04-29T06:30:00.000-07:00

I received this from Henri Nouwen this morning:

Making Our Lives Available to Others

One of the arguments we often use for not writing is this: "I have nothing original to say. Whatever I might say, someone else has already said it, and better than I will ever be able to." This, however, is not a good argument for not writing. Each human person is unique and original, and nobody has lived what we have lived. Furthermore, what we have lived, we have lived not just for ourselves but for others as well. Writing can be a very creative and invigorating way to make our lives available to ourselves and to others.

We have to trust that our stories deserve to be told. We may discover that the better we tell our stories the better we will want to live them.

That is why I write here. I believe that these God stories are not meant for my own encouragement alone but that they are meant to touch the lives of others. So I put them out here in an effort to encourage and hopefully not to be committed. ha! God is brilliant! He is Good! He is here! He desperately wants us to take the time to hear Him. When we do, our lives will inevitably be changed. Seriously, how could we not come away from an encounter with the Most High God unchanged?

There you have it. Last night I encountered Him again in a powerful way at Soaking. I had asked God earlier in the day to show me a picture of each person that would be there last night. We were all women, which sometimes happens but mostly we have a token male or two or three. There were 13 of us. He showed me very clearly a picture of a flower for each one, along with a description of what that flower signified. It was amazing. I saw each of these: roses, iris, grape hyacinth, lilac, gladiola, calla lily, daisy, lavender, bleeding heart, orange blossoms, Easter lily and snapdragon.

I distinctly saw a different flower for each woman there. And then I kept envisioning this snapdragon. I told God that was it, that we had one for each person there and He told me this one was for me. I love that. Did you ever play with snapdragons when you were a kid? I did. I loved to squeeze the sides and make them open up. That is what God has done for me. He has gently squeezed me and opened me up. Typing that just then made it even more alive, more real, more awe-invoking. I literally tremble when I think of Who God is and what He can do for each of us and in each of us if we only surrender and believe He is good.

Don't be afraid, go ahead, open up.