What We Feel Is Not Who We Are

From my Daily Meditation by Henri Nouwen:

"What We Feel Is Not Who We Are

Our emotional lives move up and down constantly. Sometimes we experience great mood: swings from excitement to depression, from joy to sorrow, from inner harmony to inner chaos. A little event, a word from someone, a disappointment in work, many things can trigger such mood swings. Mostly we have little control over these changes. It seems that they happen to us rather than being created by us.

Thus it is important to know that our emotional life is not the same as our spiritual life. Our spiritual life is the life of the Spirit of God within us. As we feel our emotions shift we must connect our spirits with the Spirit of God and remind ourselves that what we feel is not who we are. We are and remain, whatever our moods, God's beloved children."

I receive a daily meditation by email. I don't always read them. Mostly, I admit, I delete them. Sometimes it's overwhelming to read them all or even to think about reading them all. I know you're thinking "so why receive them?" This is why. On days like today when for some reason I am prompted to click on the thing and it speaks directly to my heart.

Last night I was lying in bed trying to go to sleep I was overwhelmed by a sense of great sadness. My birthday was Tuesday. I have a twin brother. I didn't speak to a single member of my family that day. The next day I had a message from Randy and from my mom. Mom had forgotten my birthday. (I wonder if she forgot Randy's. ha!) Randy had a busy day and hadn't gotten a chance to call. I'd had a busy day too. I understand completely. It wasn't either of those things that caused my great sadness. It was me. Years ago I detached from my family by choice. Don't get me wrong. I love them. I just had to detach. Now sometimes I wonder if I've detached too much and too far. I can feel so alone. And I'm not alone! But it's strange that I don't know my brother's phone number. (I tried to call him but I couldn't find his number. They use cell phones so I couldn't call information.) So, what's wrong with this picture? I still haven't called them. I fully intend to today. But why did I wait?

It's wierd. My family has no idea who I am. I don't really know them either. But I know more about them and their families than they know about me and my family. When I call to talk to my mom she doesn't want to know what we're doing. She wants to tell me every detail of what's going on there. She's lonely too. I know that. She's 85. She's confined to the house. She's not happy with her life now. And she's not really interested in mine. When I start to tell her, she changes the subject. My dad can't hear well enough to talk on the phone. And I need to go visit.

I don't know. It all makes me very sad. But nevertheless as I laid there last night letting the sadness wash over me I drew up from somewhere deep inside the knowledge that I am not alone. I began to whisper the name of Jesus. I fell asleep and slept peacefully all night. I woke up with a tinge of sadness left but then I read this Henri Nouwen meditation and know that it doesn't really matter if my family knows who I am - I do and more importantly, so does my Father.

Strange post - sorry. I had to get it out.