The Past vs. The Present

I wake up to the most interesting thoughts.  Sometimes it's an urge to pray for someone in particular, other days it's the tail end of a dream.  At times it's a simple thought, such as "you walk in divinity" that will stick with me all day long.  This morning I woke up thinking, "Blog this..."  Then I had a conversation with a friend that confirmed it.  I know this is for someone out there so here goes.

(As I hesitated to begin I heard in my music, "nothing's going to steal my joy". LOVE THAT!  Strengthened...)

I was married at the age of 18 to a guy I didn't really know.  I thought I knew his family but there were things I didn't know that would have made a difference in my choice.  Or not.  I was 18.  I thought I knew everything.  His sister-in-law who was my closest friend and mentor tried to tell me but she just couldn't.  It was too close and too horrible for her to come right out with it.  Instead she tried to get me not to marry him but I was so desperate to be a part of this family that I couldn't hear her.  

He was a marine so at first he was in infantry training and we couldn't live together.  Then he was transferred to Oceanside, CA and I moved out there so we could begin this "life".  That's when the horror began.  I was totally isolated from anyone and everyone I knew and loved.  He became this monster that was emotionally and verbally abusive to me.  Amazingly he never hit me.  Many times he would raise his hand to do so but never followed through.  Tearing me down became recreation to him.  His own past and his family "training" played a big part in this.  He was living in a world of men and I did not fit in.  He had a part-time job that he kept from me until one day he decided I needed to know what he was doing.  So he took me to meet his "co-workers".  He was a driver - for call girls.  Seriously?  He lived in a world I couldn't comprehend.  He didn't like that I couldn't.  And he tried to bring it home.  That's all I'll say about that.  I thank God to this day that I was strong enough to get out of that mess.  That's a story in itself but the point here is now, not then.

Fast forward to today.  I was Soaking about 2 years ago when a picture of that apartment popped into my head and there I was cowering on the floor with him standing over me yelling, arm raised as if to attack me.  I'd learned enough to know that there is a reason that memory came to me.  So I asked Jesus, "Where were you in that place?"  And I IMMEDIATELY saw Him standing behind this guy holding his arm back.  The look on Jesus' face was of pure love.  He was so sad but so much in love with me.  How I wish I'd seen or known that then.  I had walked away from God but He had never left me.  Not for a minute.  That's when the healing began.  I began to forgive the guy, forgive myself and receive the love God had for me even then.

I walked away from that time of Soaking refreshed, renewed and filled with love.  It really is that simple.    I do not live in the past.  It has no power over me.  This has not always been the case but I can say that today with no hesitation.  I am free!  You can be free too.  Just ask Him to show you.  He will.  He loves you that much.

Come Out Come Out Wherever You Are

I've been thinking lately about how downright good God is. Just flat out good. And it amazes me all over again. It's been raining here in Abilene. A lot. I love the rain. I love the thunder. I love the way the air feels fresher. I love the smell. I have, however, been proven a wimp. A weenie. A chicken. Monday night it was pouring down rain as I was driving across town to Soaking. Max called me to say he'd just gotten home from football and the water was up to his knees getting in his truck and would I please come home. Ahhh...how sweet. What's a mother to do? So I turned around and went home. I was actually pretty glad to at the time since I was traversing giant puddles that were freaking me out. Then I sat at home wishing I had gone on. I felt like I was missing out on something. At home we were safe and comfortable and languishing in front of the television. (Side note: I typed in languishing and then I wondered if I'd used the word properly. Oh yeah. I did. My thesaurus lists "get weaker", "rot" and "decay" as some synonyms and the dictionary says this: "1 a: to be or become feeble, weak, or enervated b: to be or live in a state of depression or decreasing vitality 2 a: to become dispirited b: to suffer neglect" If that doesn't describe television viewing I don't know what does and still, I do it.) Eventually we started bickering among ourselves over stupid little stuff like my peabrained thinking for one thing. And again, I wished I had braved the storm and gone to Soaking because I know that this is the one place and time I find my balance.

So what does this have to do with anything? I'll tell you. This is how I have lived my life. Afraid. Settling for less. There are things I know I am suppposed to do but I shrink back. Yes it was sweet for Max to ask me to come home. But sometimes that's exactly what happens to us in life. We let others call us back into the safety zone, that place of comfort, that place of complacency. There are things I do that I know I'm not supposed to do but others are doing them and that appears to make it okay. On the surface. They're not okay. I don't want to go along with the crowd. I want to be myself. My true, authentic self. And I wonder who that is!!! I have deep longings to do things that actually scare me. All this to say apparently I'm still living in fear. I hate that!! I do not want to live there! The landscape is dark and luminous and I live in the light!!! I am a child of the light! That is where I want to live.

One thing I long to do is write. Sure I write on here and I write in my journal. And that really is enough for me but apparently it is not enough for God. Dang it. I keep seeing and hearing that there is more to be done. I even have a title and a table of contents. How funny is that!! The other day I was at our local bookstore and I actually had a vision of a book I'd written on the shelf. I could see it sitting there. UGH!!! Now you might think I'm afraid of failure. Really? No. I'm not. I would be fine seeing it on the clearance rack instead of on the best seller shelf. I'm really more afraid of success. I am petrified of becoming a proud, arrogant successful person. I'm so afraid I will think I did it - look at me. This literally makes me tremble. And then I think about "languishing". The antonym for languish is "flourish" which means "to thrive, grow, increase, prosper"; which all sound so very good and how we're meant to live. These are immediately followed, however, by "flaunt, display, fanfare, show" which send me cringing again. So there must be a fine line between His best for us and our perverting it. That's the line over which I am terrified to step.

And then I remember - God is good. I find myself always saying this all the time: God is good! And then sometimes I think - that isn't the half of it. And it's not. He's so much more than that, but this time I looked it up and here are some synonyms for "good": "High-quality, good quality, first-class, first-rate, superior, fine, excellent, decent, respectable, moral, upright, virtuous, noble, worthy, blameless, enjoyable, pleasant, nice, satisfactory, agreeable, lovely, delightful, skillful, able, proficient, accomplished, talented, expert, capable, clever, competent, helpful, beneficial, sound, safe, advantageous, reliable, trustworthy, useful, nice, fine, pleasant, fair, sunny, well-behaved, well-mannered, polite, obedient, well brought-up, benefit, help, profit, gain." He is all this and more. So why don't I trust Him?

Okay so now I have confessed my greatest fear.

What's yours?