Forgiveness and Reconciliation

I was doing so well there for a few days and then I'm not sure what happened. I've been busy but not too busy. I've had a bazillion thoughts of things to post and as quickly as they come they're gone. I think that means it wasn't meant to be posted. If it were, I wouldn't be able to get it off my mind. So, what is on my mind? Lately, forgiveness and reconciliation.

Do you ever get hit over the head with a memory that leaves you on your knees; perhaps a memory of a time you were the perpetrator of violence, whether great or small or a memory of a time you were the victim of violence, whether great or small? I've had a few of those coming at me lately - at the most interesting times. I can be going along just fine, thinking I have it all together and then there it is...a memory of a time when I was all but together. Perpetrator or victim - both come bearing the same result - a restlessness in my spirit.

My first instinct is to justify any memory of a time I inflicted the violence. (And by violence here I am referring to absolutely anything I may have said or done that disturbed anyone else's inner peace and tranquility. Violence may be a strong word to use here but, nevertheless, it serves my purpose.) My first instinct when I'm hit with a memory of a time I was on the receiving end of said violence is to cringe with every fiber of my being. Now if I could only see in my memory my victims cringing as I do, maybe there would be many less incidences of violence in my future. I think that is where God is heading with all of this. As I heal my memories in both respects, I will have less and less violence in my life. I will neither inflict it, nor will I receive it. Imagine the peace.

Today I'm cringing. The other night at Soaking we were prompted to ask God to soften our hearts. Lately I've been feeling a little discombobulated. (I love that word.) I've been kind of cranky and on edge. I have no idea why I've been like this but I have. Then as I was soaking I asked God to soften my heart and remove every ounce of anger that may be concealed there. I desperately want to walk in love, talk in love, act in love. I know there has been some repressed issue there. I immediately had a memory of a time when I was 11 and my cousin and her friends were being really cruel to me. It was a definite bullying situation. I was humiliated and embarrassed in front of this group of 4 girls my own age. I was right back there in that deserted schoolyard...cringing. And I wonder how many times I have made someone else feel exactly like that. And I want to remember so I can make some kind of amends to them, just as I would like the opportunity to forgive them. And I do. I think. I may have some work to do to get there yet, but I will. I know that about myself. I do forgive.

And then I think about all the kids living through this kind of crap today. And I get pretty riled up about it. And I ask God to come quickly. Come into all these situations and bring peace as only He can. Come and send an angel to protect these children from each other and anyone perpetuating violence either by word or deed. And I ask Him to come finish His work in me that I might not be found guilty or damaged but restored and made whole. Come Lord Jesus.

To forgive is to set the prisoner free and find the prisoner was me.

One more thing. My friend, who was praying over me that same night as I soaked, told me this: "Candy, you know how you always say you used to be a wallflower? As I was praying over you I saw you standing in the middle of the room and flowers were bursting out of you, big brilliant flowers. It was so amazing I wanted to tell you about it right then."


God is definitely working on me. I'm so glad.