All human beings are alone. No other person will completely feel like we do, think like we do, act like we do. Each of us is unique, and our aloneness is the other side of our uniqueness. The question is whether we let our aloneness become loneliness or whether we allow it to lead us into solitude. Loneliness is painful; solitude is peaceful. Loneliness makes us cling to others in desperation; solitude allows us to respect others in their uniqueness and create community.
Letting our aloneness grow into solitude and not into loneliness is a lifelong struggle. It requires conscious choices about whom to be with, what to study, how to pray, and when to ask for counsel. But wise choices will help us to find the solitude where our hearts can grow in love.
I used to feel lonely. It was painful. I will attest to that truth. The loneliness made me want to cling to anyone who helped temporarily relieve the pain, just as this quote states. And clinging to "anyone" is never a good idea. I wish I could help some of the teenagers I know today understand the truth that the clinging only causes more pain. But it took me years to grasp that and to learn to cling to the only real source of love, so why should I think they can learn it from me. I never listened to anyone who was trying to help me. Maybe that's the key...listening. They were doing a whole lot of talking and not much listening. What if we shifted our strategy from lecturing to listening?
Today I understand what Henri Nouwen is saying in this quote. I treasure the time I spend by myself because I know that ultimately I am never alone. I am sitting with Love. I am surrounded by Peace. And that is good.
Here it is January 2, 2010. Already this year is flying by! Several years ago my friend Lynette introduced me to a tradition - asking God for a word for the year. It's been nothing short of amazing. Sometimes I ask and I immediately get a word - like the year 2007 when I had the word "heaven". I remember I was surprised by that word. All year I looked up. It was so cool. I began to see the most amazing things in the clouds. Not exactly like Linus' experience in Peanuts - no elaborate scenes - just glory and what appeared to be angelic presence. It has opened my eyes to so many possibilities.
So this year my word is "TIME". It came to me the other day while I was praying. I love it when you know without a doubt this is it - this is my word. That happened this year. Here's the story. Earlier this week my aforementioned friend, Lynette, emailed me and asked me to pull a out a rock for her out of my amazing bowl of word rocks.
I went over to the bowl, turned all the rocks over so none of the words showed, closed my eyes, said a prayer and asked God to pick Lynette a rock. I pulled out "trust". I called her and told her which rock I had chosen and she said, "I knew you would. My word this year is 'trust'. That just confirmed it." Ok, so that was cool. I still hadn't told her my word yet. I don't like to reveal it until January 1st. (I'm dramatic like that.) I woke up on New Year's Day to an email from Lynette that went like this, "what is your WORD???? i trust that you will tell me when the time is right. time?? is it time????" (Lynette never uses capitals in the right place.) When I read that I was astounded! How could she possibly know that? There are billions of words in the English language! No possible way she guessed it. I immediately called her. She said that just as she was typing the first sentence she felt like God was saying, "Her word is 'time'." So she went with it. HOW COOL IS THAT?? That, my friends, (if there are any of you left out there) is confirmation!
Now I get to watch (ha! no pun intended) and see how God uses this word to reveal more of Himself this year. I'm literally excited about it! There are endless possibilities. All I have to do is keep my eyes and ears and mind open to them and to Him. 2010 is shaping up to be an amazing year.
This morning as I was thinking about writing this blog post I was remembering how yesterday at our annual New Year's Day gathering at the Shilcutt's we were all talking about our words and whether or not we'd received one yet. (This thing is contagious I tell you!) I bet I told this story 3 or 4 times. Every time I got to tell it - the wonder of it became more apparent to me. People want to hear about God - simple stories of His Presence in our lives. We long for more stories like this. We long for His touch. I'm convinced He's doing it all the time and we're too busy to see or hear Him. God is good. God does good. And I'm sure He longs for us as much, probably more than we long for Him. It's a match made in heaven.
One of my best friends in the world passed away a little over an hour ago. She is so very precious to me. I didn't know her long enough. I wasn't done knowing her. She is the only person I know who knows who I am as a mother - where my heart loves from and how dangerously close to the edge I teetered on the brink of shame. We rose up out of it together. We pulled each other up step by miry step out of a deep pit. If I faltered, she pulled. If she faltered, I pulled. All it took was a look. I thank God we made it to the top. I know He was holding onto both of us. It is somewhat comforting knowing they're together. But I miss her. She has beautiful hands. Her laughter made my ears happy. She taught me how important it is to dance. I'll never look at the color green the same way again. Never. I daresay it could become my favorite color. Yes, it's chasing red away even now. I know right now she knows the meaning and feeling of joy in a way I long to know it. She was a joy but she wasn't aware of it. She had a light in her that made the darkness run away screaming. She is stronger than anyone I know. She could put one foot in front of another in a way that made the path look like you could travel it too. Mostly she loved. She loved her Jack. She loved her boys. All of them. So much. She loved her family with her whole entire heart. She taught me a lot about how to be a better mother. She made her friends feel important, like you were the only one in the world all at once. She made me feel special. We liked all the same music - loud. We wanted to go to Toronto and Redding together so bad we could scream. We wanted to see angels. Now she's dancing with them and I am green. I love you Kathy.
PSALM 18
I love you, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies.
The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me.
In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.
The earth trembled and quaked, and the foundations of the mountains shook; they trembled because he was angry.
Smoke rose from his nostrils; consuming fire came from his mouth, burning coals blazed out of it.
He parted the heavens and came down; dark clouds were under his feet.
He mounted the cherubim and flew; he soared on the wings of the wind.
He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him— the dark rain clouds of the sky.
Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced, with hailstones and bolts of lightning.
The LORD thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded.
He shot his arrows and scattered the enemies , great bolts of lightning and routed them.
The valleys of the sea were exposed and the foundations of the earth laid bare at your rebuke, O LORD, at the blast of breath from your nostrils.
He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support.
He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.
Some time ago I posted a photograph of my family of origin. I sure wish I could find the post so I could link to it here. I'm not sure when I wrote it. Anyway, in the picture I am standing alone off to the side and the rest of them, my mom and dad and 3 brothers are all standing together. That picture has always bothered me. It's actually hanging in the hallway of my parents' house. It's the only photograph I know of that exists of my entire family from when I was a child.
Here's where redemption comes in...Monday night at Soaking (yes, folks, another soaking story) we were listening to a cd about faith and how to believe by letting go of unbelief. At the end of it Amy put on some quiet violin music and suggested we ask God what unbelief we needed to let go of in order to have more faith. I saw that old picture. So I asked God where He was then. What I heard was this, "I am the One Who took you out of that box. I set you apart. In the picture you look like you are just standing there but in reality, in the spirit, you are dancing! I said, Come out and you stepped out." I remembered the story of Peter stepping out of the boat onto the water. That took a lot of faith. I also remember him realizing what he was doing and panicking. What did Jesus do next? He immediately took his hand. He held him up. He didn't let him fall. I want to remember what it felt like to step out of the box. I want to stay out of the box. I know if I fall He'll pick me back up. I just don't want to fall anymore. I want to dance.
I was having a conversation with a friend the other day that brought up a story from my high school days. It was while I was telling this story that I had an epiphany.
Has anyone else out there ever read the book "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut? I read it when I was a sophomore or junior in high school. It was fascinating. It was also the beginning of the end before my eventual (entirely too many years later) new beginning. In the book Vonnegut describes a religion called Bokononism. Remember, it's purely fiction, written to entertain, not to be taken seriously. My friend, Debbie and I decided this "religion" would be kind of fun to adopt for the weekend of Young Life camp. I know. I was one of those kids. We really were just trying to have fun. Unfortunately the leaders took us quite seriously and sat us down separately to "talk". I have no idea what Debbie told them but I decided to take it a step further and see if they could answer a question that was raised in the book. The question is "What is real?" I remember the conversation as if it was yesterday. I started out egging them on with questions like "This chair here, is it real?" when somewhere in the course of the conversation I began to really wonder - what is real? It became clear that my Young Life leader could not answer the question. And that started the crack. Up to that time I was God's. No question. But now, there were questions. And apparently they had no answers.
Today I know what it was I wanted, no, needed to hear. I needed to hear that beyond all this there is more - so much more. I needed to hear that what we're doing here that matters is all about love. That is real. That is all that's real. The love we share, the relationships and how we handle them in love, that's what really matters. How we walk through life either loving or not - that counts. That lives on. That is real. The things unseen - all the life going on around us that is spirit - holy and otherwise - that stuff is real. The chair? Sure. It sits there. But it will be gone. All this will one day be gone. But love lives on - and so does our spirit. The rest is a vapor. A space in time taken up by matter that doesn't even matter. That's what I needed someone to say to me - the you inside that I can't see - you matter. But I didn't hear that. What I heard was - "come on you know that's crazy. What do you want from me? I can't answer that question. Just please tell me you aren't serious." C~R~A~C~K
From that day on I was different. I didn't feel the same. I didn't see the same. I didn't hear the same. There had been a shift in the atmosphere.
At Soaking the other night I decided to ask God about this revelation. First I asked Him where He was that day. I envisioned myself in that cabin with my YL leader and there He was - arms outstretched - desperately wanting me to choose Him. I chose the world. I asked Him, "what was the lie I believed that day?" He answered, "You believed that if I can't see it, it's not real. I can't see God, therefore, He's not real." I bought into the enemy's trap. He got me good. Looking back I see it all in a different light. It was not an innocent game played by two teenage girls. This was life or death. That day death won. From that day forward I began to believe a lot of lies that before my heart had been guarded against. Now my guard was down. Wow. Amazing what one can see if one allows herself to open her eyes. The next thing I did as I lay there at Soaking was ask God to forgive me for not choosing Him that day. Then I forgave myself for making a bad - no lousy - choice that affected my whole life for years to come. I broke any agreement I had made with the lie and then I asked God to show me His truth in that moment. He told me I "have eyes to see the unseen and ears to hear the unspoken". I am restored to the person I was meant to be all along. Restoration - what a great word! Then I shut the door I had opened in that moment - the door of unbelief - slammed shut. So where is God now? He is all around me - all over me - saturating me from the inside out! And I receive this gift of mercy, this incredible gift of love. It is real. I can feel it - just as much as I can feel this chair I'm sitting on.
God is so good!! I love Him so very much but not even close to how much He loves me. And He loves you that much too. Trust it. Trust Him. He is real. He is love.
I've been asking God to give me eyes to see and ears to hear. I'm beginning to realize that's exactly what He's doing. I don't see things the way I used to see them. Before I would have watched this little video and thought it was very sweet. Now when I watch this video I see Father God, Abba, Papa reacting to me and the latest thing I did that was not exactly what I should have done. For instance, when I've taken a gift He's given me and I misuse it or don't use it at all - I toss it back. I don't think anything surprises Him but I do think He gets delighted. And best of all, He hugs me. He wraps His big ol' loving arms around me and pulls me in. He says, "That's okay baby girl. We'll just get another one." Or, "Don't worry about it. You'll get another chance." Isn't He good?
...I'm not sure what it's going to take to get me writing on here consistently again but I would love to receive that kick in the butt.
Here I am on Monday morning, Labor Day, and I have a million things I could do chore-wise but all I really want to do is Be. Dwell. Rest. That seems counter to the whole concept of Labor Day but then Labor Day holiday seems like an oxymoron if you really think about it.
I have so many things going on in my mind that sometimes I feel like that's where I live. In my head. I know that's not true but there is a lot of stuff binging around in there these days. I'm praying that God will find a way to bring it all out and into some kind of order as I prepare for the girls conference in November. I'm thinking about stories. I think we're supposed to tell each other about who God is in our lives - how we've witnessed His love, grace, power, joy....Mostly I want more stories. I want more times with Him. I want more of Him.
These are the thoughts that randomly cross my mind sitting at a computer. My deeper ones are written in a journal I keep by my joy chair upstairs. My innermost dreams and visions I have yet to find an outlet for so they are held captive deep within my mind. I'm in the process of finding out who I am and what I'm all about. Let me know if you have any insight!
-- Candy
"Jesus needs neither books nor Doctors of Divinity in order to instruct souls; He, the Doctor of Doctors, He teaches without noise of words."
-- St Therese of Lisieux
"When the righteous see God in action
they'll laugh, they'll sing,
they'll laugh and sing for joy.
Sing hymns to God;
all heaven, sing out;
clear the way for the coming of Cloud-Rider.
Enjoy God,
cheer when you see him! Psalm 68:4 (The Message)
