I don't know about your family, but mine is unusual. As I type that I realize that is an understatement. I know most families are strange and that there is no real "normal" out there. But, man, my family is still unique from most families I know about or have been around.
Yesterday my oldest brother, Kenny (the tall one on the far right), was taken off of life support. He is dying of emphysema. I can't remember him not smoking. Now, he's dying. He's 63 years old, 10 years older than me - and my twin brother, Randy. Once when Randy and I were probably about 9 years old we found his cigarettes in the shed behind our house. Randy insisted that we try one. I, of course, being the more intelligent and God-fearing twin would have none of it, that is until he threatened me and I took a puff - or two. Randy was determined to do it and he was going to take me down with him. That's pretty much the story of our young lives. Anyway, somehow my mother found out. That woman was amazing. She knew EVERYTHING. To this day we think it was because she found a match in the driveway. We had disposed of all the rest of the evidence completely. It had to be the match. We were in such big trouble. I remember being confined to my room on a beautiful summer day, thinking about what I had done, trying to figure out the evil in it and begging God for forgiveness - which today I see as spiritual abuse but that's a whole other story. The funny thing is that I don't remember Kenny getting in any trouble at all. And they were his cigarettes. Although I do remember him being angry with us because we'd blown his hiding place, so maybe he did have some consequences. But he never quit. Not once. I don't think he could.
I basically lost track of Kenny at some point along the way. He lives in Arizona. I can't remember the last time I saw him or heard his voice. But a couple of months ago, prompted by an experience I had at Soaking, I contacted him through email (thank you myspace!) and we had a very short exchange that constituted my making my peace with him and our reconnecting. God is so good. I see now that He knew what was ahead. He knew I needed to say some things and He gave me a way to say them. I am so grateful that I listened. I am so grateful that Kenny responded.
I love him.
He's my big brother.
I'll never see him again. Not here.
That makes me sad.
But I can't cry.
5 comments:
I come from a 'complicated' family too. This spring,I have realized that with every communication there is an ache. It is no longer a raw wound (thank God) or a moment of numbness caused by denial (thank God again), but there is an ache, and I am coming to believe, there always will be. My goal has become to find the sweet spot of God in that ache before I go to another place of anger or contempt or self-blame or wherever.
All that to say - I am so grateful that you were able to re-connect and say what you needed to say and that Kenny could respond. I am so grateful for that gift for you.
My precious sister and friend,
My family is at the other end of the meter--so close, so loving, so connected. I feel that those deep, deep bonds of love are tethering my Daddy to this earth, and that is painful as well. I bless you with good memories, with God's endless refills of love for your family, with a heart that sees, hears, and obeys what the Father is saying to you.
Love in Jesus.
Candy,
I'm soooo sorry to hear about your brother. I too lost mine last summer and even though as adults we didn't have the perfect relationship, you automatically picture everything as though you were "kids". may peace be with you during this time...love,
Dina
Sending love to you today, sweet Candy... feeling the sadness but glad for the peace I know God will give in answer to my prayer for you and those you love.
Thank you friends. Kenny died Friday might as we were blessing Landon & Whitney at their rehearsal dinner. Joy and sadness all mixed up together. Ive been with my parents. All is well. Weird but well. Thanks for your prayers.
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