Sunday, October 01, 2006
Forgiveness
Once there was a girl who lived in a house with many other people. She lived there the best she could. She tried very hard to make sure everyone was happy and at peace. They were not. When they weren't she would hide in her closet. She hid a lot. Her bedroom was her refuge unless they broke in. Whenever this happened there was chaos. The people in the house who were supposed to care never seemed to do so. She would learn much later that they were living in their own chaos. So, she lived and breathed in utter terror, feeling very alone with only her dolls as confidantes. They could hold her secrets and never tell. Only they could be trusted. And she read. She could totally escape her world when she had a book in her hands. She loved to live on the prairie in a log cabin and even Tara seemed like a better world. She lived to escape. I mean she read to escape. It really bothered the rest of the people when she was gone. So she had to return way before she was ready to come back each time. She began to live for the day she could escape for real. It didn't come soon enough.
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6 comments:
I love you...
Dear Candy,
I just read your comment on my site, and came over. This makes me wonder if we deal with the same kind of ghosts.
I know a lot of people that do. The one thing I wish to God I could tell people is that the violence they inflict upon their children will follow those children into and throughout their adulthood like a curse.
Like a terrible curse. Sometimes it takes my breath away when I realize how wounded I still am, after all these years.
Candy...This is searingly honest and tugs at many things. This would not have been easy to write - thank you for expressing it this way.
And to Josephine.. as a wounded and wounding parent I know what you are trying to say and find myself wracked with guilt for how much I have already given my children reasons for needing counselling in the future. grrrrr :(
thanks bev.
Josephine - there are so many ghosts. they are haunting and real. they suffocate and hold us hostage. i hope you didn't miss the title. that's where i am these days in an effort to release myself from the prison of these ghosts. it's been a long journey to this point and still i find myself in need of freedom. i know the woundedness you feel. sometimes it still feels open other times i feel scarred. and this after years of trying to forgive. i'm finding that putting it into words for others is healing. i've decided it needs to be out and not in. so in little pieces i'm releasing it. there's a whole lot of "i" in this comment. maybe that's my biggest problem. too much of my effort and striving. too little of His.
gracie - it's funny. i sat down and it came out. it didn't pour out. it seeped out. i didn't even know it was coming. i was so surprised and relieved. i believe a door was opened. and i, too, have wounded. and so we talk and talk. me apologizing and him assuring me he doesn't remember much. God is good. there is much mercy.
Candy, I have been catching up on your blog this morning. I am loving your honesty. You have so much to offer and I am so glad that you aren't hiding in your closet anymore. We are all richer because of our contact with you. Keep listening and keep telling your story.
Candy, Like the others, I really appreciate your openness. I hope you don't mind, but I referenced a comment you made to me through your blog within a recent blog post of mine (Forty Years Later.) What you said was so true and stayed with me, so thank you.
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