A little insight into my world

I just made a phone call that was alot harder than I even thought it would be. Eight months ago our friends and part of our family of choice asked us to go on vacation with them to Florida where we would get a condo on the beach and hang out for a week with our 3 kids ages 22, 18 and 12. The 22 and 18 year olds are their girls and the 12 year old is our son. They are his only sisters. He is their little brother. We made plans and wrestled with the travel agent over getting them just right. They left yesterday and we're still here. My son, Max, was selected as an All-Star by his little league and it has changed everything. I am torn. I love to watch him play. He really is so good and he LOVES this game. So does his dad. It's a kick to see them together even though I am an outsider in this world of testosterone. To me, the vacation was a big deal. To them the game is. They wanted to go to Florida but they want to stay and play more. It's a team and you don't walk out on your team. To me, it's family and you don't walk out on family. (Did I mention it's Erin's graduation trip?) It's all so very interesting. Quite a quagmire of feelings and thoughts reside here on this plane of one week in the summer of 2004. I'm happy for Max that he made the team - two years ago when he should have but didn't I thought my heart would break from the look on his face when he read the list of players. I'm excited to be in the stands filming his every move and cheering him on. But another part of my heart longs to spend 5 days on the beach with our family. These girls will be gone soon. We all know that reality lurks in the not-so-distant future. I want so badly for Max to have this connection with them - which he does - but doesn't time spent together secure that bond? Someday they may be the only family he has. And that makes my heart hurt more. I wish for them memories like a week on the beach together. I've fooled myself into thinking it's the money we've spent that was bothering me - but it's not. It's the absence of memories that's left a hole in my heart. So, I just called and left a message on their cell phone and told them it's turned into a family vacation for them and that we wouldn't be joining them. My voice was cracking and heart was crying out. But tonight I will be in the bleachers cheering on Max and his team with my whole heart - making a memory.