I wake up to the most interesting thoughts. Sometimes it's an urge to pray for someone in particular, other days it's the tail end of a dream. At times it's a simple thought, such as "you walk in divinity" that will stick with me all day long. This morning I woke up thinking, "Blog this..." Then I had a conversation with a friend that confirmed it. I know this is for someone out there so here goes.
(As I hesitated to begin I heard in my music, "nothing's going to steal my joy". LOVE THAT! Strengthened...)
I was married at the age of 18 to a guy I didn't really know. I thought I knew his family but there were things I didn't know that would have made a difference in my choice. Or not. I was 18. I thought I knew everything. His sister-in-law who was my closest friend and mentor tried to tell me but she just couldn't. It was too close and too horrible for her to come right out with it. Instead she tried to get me not to marry him but I was so desperate to be a part of this family that I couldn't hear her.
He was a marine so at first he was in infantry training and we couldn't live together. Then he was transferred to Oceanside, CA and I moved out there so we could begin this "life". That's when the horror began. I was totally isolated from anyone and everyone I knew and loved. He became this monster that was emotionally and verbally abusive to me. Amazingly he never hit me. Many times he would raise his hand to do so but never followed through. Tearing me down became recreation to him. His own past and his family "training" played a big part in this. He was living in a world of men and I did not fit in. He had a part-time job that he kept from me until one day he decided I needed to know what he was doing. So he took me to meet his "co-workers". He was a driver - for call girls. Seriously? He lived in a world I couldn't comprehend. He didn't like that I couldn't. And he tried to bring it home. That's all I'll say about that. I thank God to this day that I was strong enough to get out of that mess. That's a story in itself but the point here is now, not then.
Fast forward to today. I was Soaking about 2 years ago when a picture of that apartment popped into my head and there I was cowering on the floor with him standing over me yelling, arm raised as if to attack me. I'd learned enough to know that there is a reason that memory came to me. So I asked Jesus, "Where were you in that place?" And I IMMEDIATELY saw Him standing behind this guy holding his arm back. The look on Jesus' face was of pure love. He was so sad but so much in love with me. How I wish I'd seen or known that then. I had walked away from God but He had never left me. Not for a minute. That's when the healing began. I began to forgive the guy, forgive myself and receive the love God had for me even then.
I walked away from that time of Soaking refreshed, renewed and filled with love. It really is that simple. I do not live in the past. It has no power over me. This has not always been the case but I can say that today with no hesitation. I am free! You can be free too. Just ask Him to show you. He will. He loves you that much.
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