I wake up to the most interesting thoughts. Sometimes it's an urge to pray for someone in particular, other days it's the tail end of a dream. At times it's a simple thought, such as "you walk in divinity" that will stick with me all day long. This morning I woke up thinking, "Blog this..." Then I had a conversation with a friend that confirmed it. I know this is for someone out there so here goes.
(As I hesitated to begin I heard in my music, "nothing's going to steal my joy". LOVE THAT! Strengthened...)
I was married at the age of 18 to a guy I didn't really know. I thought I knew his family but there were things I didn't know that would have made a difference in my choice. Or not. I was 18. I thought I knew everything. His sister-in-law who was my closest friend and mentor tried to tell me but she just couldn't. It was too close and too horrible for her to come right out with it. Instead she tried to get me not to marry him but I was so desperate to be a part of this family that I couldn't hear her.
He was a marine so at first he was in infantry training and we couldn't live together. Then he was transferred to Oceanside, CA and I moved out there so we could begin this "life". That's when the horror began. I was totally isolated from anyone and everyone I knew and loved. He became this monster that was emotionally and verbally abusive to me. Amazingly he never hit me. Many times he would raise his hand to do so but never followed through. Tearing me down became recreation to him. His own past and his family "training" played a big part in this. He was living in a world of men and I did not fit in. He had a part-time job that he kept from me until one day he decided I needed to know what he was doing. So he took me to meet his "co-workers". He was a driver - for call girls. Seriously? He lived in a world I couldn't comprehend. He didn't like that I couldn't. And he tried to bring it home. That's all I'll say about that. I thank God to this day that I was strong enough to get out of that mess. That's a story in itself but the point here is now, not then.
Fast forward to today. I was Soaking about 2 years ago when a picture of that apartment popped into my head and there I was cowering on the floor with him standing over me yelling, arm raised as if to attack me. I'd learned enough to know that there is a reason that memory came to me. So I asked Jesus, "Where were you in that place?" And I IMMEDIATELY saw Him standing behind this guy holding his arm back. The look on Jesus' face was of pure love. He was so sad but so much in love with me. How I wish I'd seen or known that then. I had walked away from God but He had never left me. Not for a minute. That's when the healing began. I began to forgive the guy, forgive myself and receive the love God had for me even then.
I walked away from that time of Soaking refreshed, renewed and filled with love. It really is that simple. I do not live in the past. It has no power over me. This has not always been the case but I can say that today with no hesitation. I am free! You can be free too. Just ask Him to show you. He will. He loves you that much.
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Sozo
On Monday I turn 55. So does my brother, Randy. We're twins. I don't think we couldn't be any more different. Randy is artistically talented beyond my wildest imaginings. (Don't get me wrong. I know I'm creative but in very different ways but that knowing has been a long time coming.) When we were very young we would sit in church and pass a piece of paper back and forth. One of us would squiggle a line on it and the other had to make something out of the squiggle. I would do some basic, barely recognizable something or other and Randy would inevitably make it into some elaborate mountain scene or animal or person doing something. It would always amaze me what he could do with a squiggle. That's the only reason I participated. I wanted to see what he would come up with next. But the whole exercise made me feel inferior. (I renounce that lie and break agreement with it right now!) I have always admired his talent.
The summer before we were seniors in high school we moved to a new state, new city, new house. We were told we could paint our rooms any color we wanted. Randy wanted his black. The parents said no. I can't remember what color he ended up with but I think it was white. Mine was baby blue with white trim. I loved that room even though I hated living there and I was mighty angry about the whole situation. Still, that room felt like a haven. I spent a whole lot of time in it listening to the Carpenters sing "Rainy Days and Mondays". My life felt like a rainy Monday.
That was 38 years ago. It's funny how you can take yourself back to a time and a place and feel the same feelings, experience the same distress. I'm going to let myself go there for a minute. I felt like my life had fallen apart. I was so angry at my mom for not letting me stay and finish my senior year at my old school. I was angry at my dad because he was the reason we'd moved. I was angry at Randy because he loved it here. I thought they had all lost their minds and it was some kind of conspiracy to ruin my life. And it was working. Surely it was all about me. I would show them. I became a solemn, angry young woman. I didn't speak beyond the absolute necessary words to get by for 6 months. But really who was I hurting? During that year I experienced an extreme case of strep and was quarantined for 2 weeks - in my room. I had the worst case of hives ever and was literally encased in ice for 2 days - in my room. My niece came to live with us. She was 4 or 5 years old. She became my responsibility. That made me angry. I did the laundry. I grocery shopped. I made dinner. I went to school. I cleaned up after Randy. It was literally a year from hell. I couldn't feel God. I couldn't reach Him. I felt abandoned. So I turned away. If He could leave me, I could leave Him. So I did. But really who was I hurting?
Flash forward to now. Wow. That is scary. What do I do with all those feelings of anger, fear, abandonment, inferiority, etc.? Over the years I've learned to ask this question of God..."Where were you when I was in this place?" I know He was there. He said He would never leave me or forsake me. He promised. So when I close my eyes and ask the question - this is what I see...I remember I had a lot of stuffed animals. They sat on this really cool built-in shelf unit on one wall in my room. That's what God showed me. My stuffed animals. I used to hold those things and talk to them as if they were my best friends. What I didn't realize at the time is that when I was holding them, He was holding me. It was Him listening as I poured out my heart to that fake fur. He heard every verse of Rainy Days and Mondays and He knew my heart. He longed to show me His heart but I was too distracted by letting the enemy darken my heart with his lies instead of hearing the Truth. It's so easy to see this in retrospect.
And then I become grateful. It heals my heart to see that He was there. So the first thing I need to do is ask God to identify the lies I believed. I believed I had been abandoned by God. I believed anger was the only response I could have to being moved from everything I knew and loved. I believed it could change things. I believed I was inferior because my feelings were not validated and no one really knew how I felt. I believed I was no longer a part of this family because my feelings were not valid, so I isolated myself. And on and on.
The next step is to renounce the lies. Big word. Big meaning.
Renounce: formally declare one's abandonment of (a claim, right, or possession, or a lie)• refuse to recognize or abide by that lie any longer • declare that one will no longer engage in or support that lie• reject and stop using or consuming the lie
(italics are all mine)
Here are some synonyms: relinquish, abandon, abdicate,surrender, waive, forgo, refuse to abide by, repudiate, deny, reject, abandon, wash one's hands of, turn one's back on, disown, spurn, shun, give up, desist from, refrain from
Here's how you renounce a lie. You simply say "I renounce the lie that ________(fill in the blank)and I come out of agreement with it." (Or you could simply say - NO! Not anymore!) Then ask God to forgive you for believing it. He loves to forgive us. He loves to set us free and that's the next step.
Ask God to show you His truth. In my case He has shown me that I am loved deeply and perfectly. There goes the fear. He hears me. He is always there to listen. There goes inferiority. He will carry me through my darkest times and bring me into the light. Every time. There goes anger. He shows me His Father's heart full of love for me. There goes isolation.
Once you get rid of all that junk, ask God to fill you up. You don't want to leave any empty places in your heart. And He will - fill you up. I promise. Better yet - He promises. He loves to give us gifts.
And that, my friends, was a mini Sozo. Sozo is the Greek word for salvation used in the New Testament meaning "saved, healed and delivered". He's not done with us yet!
When I sat down here today I thought I was going to write about something completely different. I really can't believe this is what came out. Apparently there is some reason beyond my own well being or I wouldn't have put it out on the internet. I know I feel better! I feel more free and more loved than I did when I sat down here. That is God. He loves us so much.
By the way I love rainy days now and Mondays don't get me down at all. In fact, I love Mondays! God is so good.
-------------------------------------
Update: I realized I forgot one VERY important step! Forgiveness. Receiving it for yourself. Forgiving yourself for believing the lies. Forgiving anyone who may have been involved. For me in the situation above I forgave my mom, my dad, my brother and myself. And I forgave God. I know He doesn't need my forgiveness but He's big enough to understand my need to forgive Him.
There's no formula for working through this stuff. Let Holy Spirit guide you and trust Him. It is all about setting you free to be who you were created to be. It's way more simple than we think. God is a God of mercy and grace. He knows your heart. He loves you so much more than you can imagine.
The summer before we were seniors in high school we moved to a new state, new city, new house. We were told we could paint our rooms any color we wanted. Randy wanted his black. The parents said no. I can't remember what color he ended up with but I think it was white. Mine was baby blue with white trim. I loved that room even though I hated living there and I was mighty angry about the whole situation. Still, that room felt like a haven. I spent a whole lot of time in it listening to the Carpenters sing "Rainy Days and Mondays". My life felt like a rainy Monday.
That was 38 years ago. It's funny how you can take yourself back to a time and a place and feel the same feelings, experience the same distress. I'm going to let myself go there for a minute. I felt like my life had fallen apart. I was so angry at my mom for not letting me stay and finish my senior year at my old school. I was angry at my dad because he was the reason we'd moved. I was angry at Randy because he loved it here. I thought they had all lost their minds and it was some kind of conspiracy to ruin my life. And it was working. Surely it was all about me. I would show them. I became a solemn, angry young woman. I didn't speak beyond the absolute necessary words to get by for 6 months. But really who was I hurting? During that year I experienced an extreme case of strep and was quarantined for 2 weeks - in my room. I had the worst case of hives ever and was literally encased in ice for 2 days - in my room. My niece came to live with us. She was 4 or 5 years old. She became my responsibility. That made me angry. I did the laundry. I grocery shopped. I made dinner. I went to school. I cleaned up after Randy. It was literally a year from hell. I couldn't feel God. I couldn't reach Him. I felt abandoned. So I turned away. If He could leave me, I could leave Him. So I did. But really who was I hurting?
Flash forward to now. Wow. That is scary. What do I do with all those feelings of anger, fear, abandonment, inferiority, etc.? Over the years I've learned to ask this question of God..."Where were you when I was in this place?" I know He was there. He said He would never leave me or forsake me. He promised. So when I close my eyes and ask the question - this is what I see...I remember I had a lot of stuffed animals. They sat on this really cool built-in shelf unit on one wall in my room. That's what God showed me. My stuffed animals. I used to hold those things and talk to them as if they were my best friends. What I didn't realize at the time is that when I was holding them, He was holding me. It was Him listening as I poured out my heart to that fake fur. He heard every verse of Rainy Days and Mondays and He knew my heart. He longed to show me His heart but I was too distracted by letting the enemy darken my heart with his lies instead of hearing the Truth. It's so easy to see this in retrospect.
And then I become grateful. It heals my heart to see that He was there. So the first thing I need to do is ask God to identify the lies I believed. I believed I had been abandoned by God. I believed anger was the only response I could have to being moved from everything I knew and loved. I believed it could change things. I believed I was inferior because my feelings were not validated and no one really knew how I felt. I believed I was no longer a part of this family because my feelings were not valid, so I isolated myself. And on and on.
The next step is to renounce the lies. Big word. Big meaning.
Renounce: formally declare one's abandonment of (a claim, right, or possession, or a lie)• refuse to recognize or abide by that lie any longer • declare that one will no longer engage in or support that lie• reject and stop using or consuming the lie
(italics are all mine)
Here are some synonyms: relinquish, abandon, abdicate,surrender, waive, forgo, refuse to abide by, repudiate, deny, reject, abandon, wash one's hands of, turn one's back on, disown, spurn, shun, give up, desist from, refrain from
Here's how you renounce a lie. You simply say "I renounce the lie that ________(fill in the blank)and I come out of agreement with it." (Or you could simply say - NO! Not anymore!) Then ask God to forgive you for believing it. He loves to forgive us. He loves to set us free and that's the next step.
Ask God to show you His truth. In my case He has shown me that I am loved deeply and perfectly. There goes the fear. He hears me. He is always there to listen. There goes inferiority. He will carry me through my darkest times and bring me into the light. Every time. There goes anger. He shows me His Father's heart full of love for me. There goes isolation.
Once you get rid of all that junk, ask God to fill you up. You don't want to leave any empty places in your heart. And He will - fill you up. I promise. Better yet - He promises. He loves to give us gifts.
And that, my friends, was a mini Sozo. Sozo is the Greek word for salvation used in the New Testament meaning "saved, healed and delivered". He's not done with us yet!
When I sat down here today I thought I was going to write about something completely different. I really can't believe this is what came out. Apparently there is some reason beyond my own well being or I wouldn't have put it out on the internet. I know I feel better! I feel more free and more loved than I did when I sat down here. That is God. He loves us so much.
By the way I love rainy days now and Mondays don't get me down at all. In fact, I love Mondays! God is so good.
-------------------------------------
Update: I realized I forgot one VERY important step! Forgiveness. Receiving it for yourself. Forgiving yourself for believing the lies. Forgiving anyone who may have been involved. For me in the situation above I forgave my mom, my dad, my brother and myself. And I forgave God. I know He doesn't need my forgiveness but He's big enough to understand my need to forgive Him.
There's no formula for working through this stuff. Let Holy Spirit guide you and trust Him. It is all about setting you free to be who you were created to be. It's way more simple than we think. God is a God of mercy and grace. He knows your heart. He loves you so much more than you can imagine.
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