A little insight into my world

 I’ve needed to write this for some time now.  My heart has been begging me to do it.  So here goes.

I’ve been silent for too long.  There was a time a few years ago that I had a voice on this matter but it’s gone silent for reasons I can’t really articulate.  But God…He is asking me to use my voice again.  The time is ripe for a word from someone who lived to tell the story of our abortion.

When I was a young, extremely naive 19 year old I met a guy.  I got pregnant and had no idea what was happening to me.  I was suddenly so sick.  I could barely stand up without passing out.  My body was not cooperating with my daily life.  I was taken to the doctor who told me I was pregnant. I could not make any sense of it.  My brain was in such a fog.  It was so strange.  The guy told me not to worry - he knew what to do.  I remember him taking me to a place, a clinic I suppose, and soon I was in a room on a gurney type bed lined up with others.  Eventually I was rolled into another room where I was relieved of this “burden” - my baby.  I lay there for awhile “recovering” and then my boyfriend picked me up. We went for a drive and he tried to tell me everything was okay now, but I knew it wasn’t and probably never would be again. I couldn’t disappoint him though, so I buried it as deep as I knew how and returned to my life.  From that point on I began to try to control anything within my power because inside my heart I had lost control.  I ended up turning to perfectionism.  My surroundings had to look perfect so you would think everything was okay.  I suppose it could have been way worse but this definitely affected my joy.

Fast forward 25 years and I’m married to an amazing man and have a little boy I adore.  One day I found myself at a retreat in a room full of women looking at a little piece of paper I’m supposed to use for a prayer request.  I thought I didn’t need prayer for anything because I had  a good life but without thinking I wrote, “please pray that I will think before I speak to my little boy”  Up to that time for some reason I had expected him to be perfect and, well, he was not and it made me crazy. I placed that little piece of paper in the box and walked away.  A little while later in the middle of a talk I felt someone tap me on the shoulder.  As I turned to look I heard a small voice say to my heart, “if you want me to answer your prayer, let’s talk about your other baby.”  I was completely blown away and tears began to flow.  That began a 5 year journey through inner healing to come to a place of forgiveness from God and from myself. Five years of reliving and coming to grips with the immensity of what I had done.  But God.  There is so much hope in forgiveness.  It is the only thing that saved me.  I am truly a new creation - I am in Him and He is in me.  That is my only hope.  Jesus.  He is the one who held the pain.  He is the one who carries me. 

And then He gave me a gift.  One morning I woke up from a dream.  In that dream I met her, my baby.  Her name is Kelley, which means “Warrior”.  I never got to name her but God did.  She was skateboarding in heaven.  (seriously? Only God.) She came over to me, gave me a hug and said simply, “I forgive you.”  And she skated off.  I know it sounds crazy but finally I was set free from what I had been told was freedom - freedom of choice.  There is absolutely no freedom in the choice to abort your child.  I was able to live with myself for a time but it was eating me from the inside. I don’t believe our hearts were created to carry this magnitude of evil.  But my pain was nothing compared to the loss of a human life.  She never got to laugh, never got to cry, never got to be held by loving parents, never had a best friend to share secrets with, never got to learn and grow, never skipped and played, never learned how to ride a bike, or twist an ankle, never got to feel the love of a spouse, never got to have her own children, never got to live.  This precious life is in heaven.  There’s no doubt about that and I believe one day I will get to meet her face to face.  But I will always wonder what if…