2013 - Write/Right...Right/Write

2013 is coming to a close.  My word for this year was "write/right".  When I first heard it, I heard "write".  In my mind I saw "right".  Isn't that interesting?  As December descended upon us I began to ponder what that had meant for me throughout this year.  I haven't written anything to speak of - just a few blog posts.  I haven't journaled.  In fact, not much went on in my life about writing at all.  Instead I painted.  (Which is a form of communication I suppose.)

I was having a conversation about all this with a friend when it hit me.  This year has been about me NOT having to be "right" on so many levels.  It's been somewhat humbling and certainly more than a little freeing.  Isn't it just like God to turn it all around and make it something completely out of the box I had envisioned it in?

One day while I was doing laundry I had the thought "I don't want to put God in the box of my beliefs".  I don't want to have to be right because, holy cow - what if I'm not?  It could happen.  ;o)  I'll be the first to admit I don't know.  I do know what I believe in my heart but I don't have to convince you I'm right.  You get to have your very own relationship with God anyway you want - or not at all if that's your preference.  God is big and good enough to reach your heart without my yammering.  My truth is simply that - my truth - the revelations that I've been given.  And really?  My truth changes as more is given.  Every day I grow.  It may be something I read, or something I see, or something I experience alone or with a friend.  This change has become my friend - no longer my enemy.  I used to hate change of any kind - but not anymore!  Now I embrace it.  But it has to come to my heart.  I believe we are created with a "knower" - that part of me deep inside that knows, yes, this is true.  Trust me I come across a whole lot of stuff I know is not.  And when I do, I kindly decline the offer to accept that thought and move on.

We've had some conversations with the high school kids we work with that have driven this home.  I thought I was put in this group to lead them into some spiritual place of truth - my truth.  I have come to realize that they carry their own amazing hearts and beliefs and they have done their share of leading me - because I let them.  I opened my heart enough to listen.  Those have been the best of times and the deepest discussions and I have grown.

So here I am writing about right.  I love that.  The word was not a wash.  God is so fun.  I was scheduled to teach our prayer class on January 5th but had to reschedule.  I ended up doing it on December 15th which happened to be the last Sunday we met in 2013.  I talked about Journaling with God.  I think that is hilarious!  I got to tell them about this revelation I've had about my word.  I got to relive some old journal entries that blew my socks off all over again.  It was amazing.  I am so blessed.

So now I get to ask for a new word for 2014.  I think I've already got it.  I'll let you know.

The Missing of Them

As I prepare for our Thanksgiving celebration this year it has hit me - the missing of them. I have such great memories of family Thanksgivings. When I was really young all the aunts, uncles and cousins gathered with my grandmother. So much fun. All the cooking and laughing and eating and game playing and puzzle piecing. Big families are fun. Then there were the years away which were not as much fun - oh and the Thanksgiving from hell. (Thankfully only one I can almost remember. I won't go there. Suffice it to say I still can't see, smell or think about Southern Comfort. I've grown up I tell you.) After Geoff and I got married we began going back to my family's Thanksgiving. Again, so much fun. As the years progressed we started new traditions with "family of choice". (Love them so much!) But today I'm missing my mom, my dad, my grandma, my brothers, aunts and uncles and cousins who made family times memorable. I may be looking back with rose colored glasses but today feels tender. 

Being/Doing...Doing/Being

I've been trying to wrap my mind around Randy Travis Polk and what made him such a unique individual.  It hit me in the shower this morning.  Randy perfected being Randy.  He perfected doing Randy.  He figured out the blend of doing in order to be and being in order to do for him to be the best him he could be.  Now it's my turn.  For years I've been telling people when they ask me what I do (for a living) that I am perfecting the art of being.  From now on I will say I'm perfecting the art of being Candy.

I'm not sure any of this makes any sense to anyone but me.  But to me, and I think Randy, it makes complete sense.  I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination.  And neither was Randy.  It's not about being perfect.  It's about being the best you you can be - the best me I can be - the best Randy he could be.  And my friend Randy did Randy very well.

I miss him.

"AND"

The other day I was being led through a Lectio Divina guided meditation on the verse "be still and know that I am God ". The word "AND" stood out and shimmered at me.  So I sat with it. It was fascinating. So many things came up. I have lived my life as an "and" since the day I was born - Randy and Candy. Since the day I got married - Geoff and Candy. Even my name is an "AND" - C and y. See? Fascinating.

So what is it about this word "AND"? In some ways I see that it leads to the completion of things. After all what is a twin without the AND? And what is a marriage without the other half?  That got me feeling pretty good about myself. Even in the Genesis story God created male AND female in his image. It wasn't finished until the AND was added. Then creation was complete and then it was very good. (I just have to say I think that's pretty awesome.) But it also leads to humility. Trust me a level of humility comes from always being considered second. In fact, if you're not careful it can lead to insignificance which is something I've dealt with in my life. That's where balance comes in. Balance is the key. In many ways AND is a balancing word. It can lift you up or it can let you down. It's all about your perception. I choose to believe I complete things that would be good without me but with me they become very good. That may sound proud but getting to that point has been a profound journey for me.   

Back to the verse "be still and know that I am God" - being still is good. But without the end result of knowing God through the stillness it is empty. When you add  "AND know that I am God" - it becomes a revelation. And a revelation of God is always a good thing.

This is a page from my latest journal -page 1. It's my first art journal. AND I'm excited about it. 

Immanuel - God With Us

The other day I was invited into an Immanuel moment.  This is a moment when you purposefully settle yourself and ask God to meet you there. I immediately saw myself in a field of soft grass, surrounded by fresh new green on every side. I was lying on my back with my arms outstretched. When I looked around to see Jesus, he was lying beside me with his arms outstretched.  As soon as I was aware of his presence he playfully touched my fingers. (Yes, I said playfully. That's my Jesus.) I told him I'd like to lie on top of him. He smiled. So I did. That's when it happened. I sank down into him. It surprised me. And that's when I heard it again. "It's not the what you are doing. It's the who you are being." Immanuel. God With Us. God in us. Us in God.

What vs. Who

I've had a revelation.

I used to hide.  Hiding looked like DO-ing everything in my power to be invisible.  This included NOT speaking if I could avoid it, which I did, at all costs.  Then I was touched by God and came out of hiding and I was - wow - not hidden anymore.

When I came out of hiding I spoke, with my mouth, to lots of people.  Once at a local university during their chapel to about 1200 college students.  Once at a girls conference.  Several times at my church in different settings, classes, Wednesday nights, Sunday thoughts, etc.  It was a blast.  I got to the point where I would say I  never felt more alive than when I was in front of a crowd speaking.

Then those opportunities tapered off and lately I've been feeling like I was back in hiding because I spend so much time alone.  (Alone being a very relative term, because I know I'm never really alone.)  I've been spending time in my art studio.  It's a blast.  I really do enjoy it.  Then today as I was washing the paint off my hands I had the thought..."I feel so alive!"  It surprised me.  I thought I only felt fully alive when I was speaking.  So what was this?  

That's when I heard it.  The revelation.

It's not the what you are doing - it's the who you are being.

And I am humbled and astounded and overjoyed and, yes, more alive than ever.

The White Buffalo Christian Art Gallery

An amazing thing is happening in my life. Two of my paintings are being featured in the opening exhibit of the White Buffalo Art Gallery here in Abilene. The gallery opened last night. This was not just a grand opening-it was a huge fun incredible evening. The gallery was open, with live music on an outdoor stage, incredible food, as well as a sidewalk exhibit. I want to thank those of you who came out for helping make it such a great evening.

This is so crazy to me on so many levels. I first put a paintbrush to canvas last September so I've only been doing this since then. It's taken a lot of persuading on the part of both God and my mentors to convince me that I am indeed an artist. My whole life my twin brother Randy has been the artist in our family. And he is an artist and he's amazing. I was never encouraged in that direction by either of my parents I suppose because Randy so excelled in that area. In fact, I would go as far as saying I became invisible in any creative realm. I was the functioning person in our family. I was the one who cooked, cleaned, grocery shopped, did the laundry, kept the house going while my parents both worked. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't build up a resentment. That said, after years of inner healing work I've moved past that place of resentment into a place of creativity. And it's blowing me away! (Wow as I reread that I thought I'd written "palace of creativity" which I hadn't. But I like that! I've moved into a Palace of Creativity. That's where I live now!)

The way I go about creating these paintings is amazing to me. I don't touch the canvas until I have a clear vision from Holy Spirit as to what he wants to do. I really do feel like he chooses the colors, the form, the texture, etc. I've even watched the painting paint itself. It is beyond fascinating. It's a spiritual experience and I'm completely convinced that he's doing something in each painting. There's some part of his heart that he is revealing to me through the process. It's very humbling and precious.

So back to the gallery opening, when I walked up to the building and saw my name listed among the featured artists I was moved to tears. This is something I never dreamed I would ever see in my lifetime. I can't even say it's a dream come true because it's a dream I never dreamed. Not even 6 weeks ago. It's completely out of my realm of reasoning. It is so God. I believe I am right where he created and intended for me to be today. It feels really really good. Stop by The White Buffalo and share this miracle with me. They're open 10-6 Monday -Saturday. It's located at 2528 S. 7th, next door to the Natural Food Center. It's an incredible place you don't want to miss.