Refining Fire

Yesterday I wrote about rainbows and God's love. It was right before lunch. At lunch on Mondays I attend a prayer group that I absolutely love. These women are precious. They are like a family. Sometimes they are too much like a family, if you know what I mean. I know they would all agree. Yesterday there were 10 of us there. I think if we all show up there are 12. We go around the table randomly and talk about what God is doing in our lives and share prayer requests - praying as we go. It's really cool. I love it.

Yesterday one of the women shared something she had heard. It goes something like this. "Anytime we decree something there will be a time of testing to determine if you really believe what you are decreeing." Are we just talking or do we really believe this stuff? Fascinating in light of my previous post. Like I said, I had just posted about how much God loves us and then I go hear this. It didn't register right away, what I had done. In retrospect I can see it. I had opened myself up to a time of testing. And boy did I get tested.

Our hostess calls on us to share so there is some semblance of order. Twelve women all wanting to talk can get disorderly, let me just say. I know I have issues with invisibility or visibility - I'm not sure which. I need to work on that. Where I'm going with this is here - yesterday at lunch, around the table, sharing our weeks - I was never called on. I felt invisible. Everyone else shared. I waited. Nothing. People got up to leave. I just sat there a minute. I helped clean up. I never said a word about it. I know it was not intentional.

What happened next is the really interesting part. I began to let it get to me. On my way home I started feeling sorry for myself. I began to get a little angry. I began to get cranky. I didn't even see it until later on in the afternoon when my husband noticed my attitude because it was affecting his own. That's when I began to put it all together.

Now I'm not blaming God because He is all good and loving and awesome. But He can be tricky, too. He does allow us to be tested. He allows us to be put through the fire and refined. I would like to say I passed the test with flying colors. I didn't. I didn't even recognize the test until I had nearly completely failed it. But I believe God stepped in and allowed me to recognize what was going on. I started thinking about the rainbows and how much God loves me. So if that was true, why was I feeling so unloved? Absurd!!! Did my being loved really center around that table with those women? Does it center around my own family loving me unconditionally all the time? Does it center around my feelings at all? Oh man, if it does I am in deep trouble and I am on sinking sand. No. I am loved. It's a simple yet profound fact. There is no denying it. In my heart I know. In my head I know. I just don't always act like I know. That's what I want to change. I'm so glad I wasn't around anyone who could have been swayed by my lame and human self yesterday afternoon (other than poor ol' Geoff - who really does love me unconditionally most of the time). It's a good thing I stayed in until I figured it out. I'm still figuring it out. But I know I'm on the right track. I'm being refined and for that I am very grateful.

There used to be a little Candy who stood out on the edges of life. Slowly she's coming into the fold. Next Monday I'll share with my friends all the good God is doing in my life. It won't be easy for me but I think I may take this picture and talk about how I felt last week and how I feel now and how it's not really about how I feel at all but I'd like to think it is sometimes. And I'll tell them how much I love each and every one of them. But the only way any of that can happen is because I know I am so loved.


Does she look like she's standing a little closer to you than the last time I posted this photo? Wierd. I think she is. Don't go back and look. Just trust me.