I’ve needed to write this for some time now.  My heart has been begging me to do it.  So here goes.

I’ve been silent for too long.  There was a time a few years ago that I had a voice on this matter but it’s gone silent for reasons I can’t really articulate.  But God…He is asking me to use my voice again.  The time is ripe for a word from someone who lived to tell the story of our abortion.

When I was a young, extremely naive 19 year old I met a guy.  I got pregnant and had no idea what was happening to me.  I was suddenly so sick.  I could barely stand up without passing out.  My body was not cooperating with my daily life.  I was taken to the doctor who told me I was pregnant. I could not make any sense of it.  My brain was in such a fog.  It was so strange.  The guy told me not to worry - he knew what to do.  I remember him taking me to a place, a clinic I suppose, and soon I was in a room on a gurney type bed lined up with others.  Eventually I was rolled into another room where I was relieved of this “burden” - my baby.  I lay there for awhile “recovering” and then my boyfriend picked me up. We went for a drive and he tried to tell me everything was okay now, but I knew it wasn’t and probably never would be again. I couldn’t disappoint him though, so I buried it as deep as I knew how and returned to my life.  From that point on I began to try to control anything within my power because inside my heart I had lost control.  I ended up turning to perfectionism.  My surroundings had to look perfect so you would think everything was okay.  I suppose it could have been way worse but this definitely affected my joy.

Fast forward 25 years and I’m married to an amazing man and have a little boy I adore.  One day I found myself at a retreat in a room full of women looking at a little piece of paper I’m supposed to use for a prayer request.  I thought I didn’t need prayer for anything because I had  a good life but without thinking I wrote, “please pray that I will think before I speak to my little boy”  Up to that time for some reason I had expected him to be perfect and, well, he was not and it made me crazy. I placed that little piece of paper in the box and walked away.  A little while later in the middle of a talk I felt someone tap me on the shoulder.  As I turned to look I heard a small voice say to my heart, “if you want me to answer your prayer, let’s talk about your other baby.”  I was completely blown away and tears began to flow.  That began a 5 year journey through inner healing to come to a place of forgiveness from God and from myself. Five years of reliving and coming to grips with the immensity of what I had done.  But God.  There is so much hope in forgiveness.  It is the only thing that saved me.  I am truly a new creation - I am in Him and He is in me.  That is my only hope.  Jesus.  He is the one who held the pain.  He is the one who carries me. 

And then He gave me a gift.  One morning I woke up from a dream.  In that dream I met her, my baby.  Her name is Kelley, which means “Warrior”.  I never got to name her but God did.  She was skateboarding in heaven.  (seriously? Only God.) She came over to me, gave me a hug and said simply, “I forgive you.”  And she skated off.  I know it sounds crazy but finally I was set free from what I had been told was freedom - freedom of choice.  There is absolutely no freedom in the choice to abort your child.  I was able to live with myself for a time but it was eating me from the inside. I don’t believe our hearts were created to carry this magnitude of evil.  But my pain was nothing compared to the loss of a human life.  She never got to laugh, never got to cry, never got to be held by loving parents, never had a best friend to share secrets with, never got to learn and grow, never skipped and played, never learned how to ride a bike, or twist an ankle, never got to feel the love of a spouse, never got to have her own children, never got to live.  This precious life is in heaven.  There’s no doubt about that and I believe one day I will get to meet her face to face.  But I will always wonder what if…

Endings and Beginnings

He Graduated!

She Graduated!

The Wedding!

I feel a blog coming on.  I'd say it's about time.  2015 has been a year for the books in the Gilbert household - mostly for our son, Max.  He began the year engaged, he graduated from college, got married to our dream daughter, we bought a house, they moved in, renovations are being undertaken, she graduated from college and we've done tons of celebrating.  I like it when we celebrate.  It feels good and right to celebrate.

Every year I ask God for a word for the year.  It's a tradition my friend Lynette started me on many years ago.  It's fascinating every year.  My word for 2015 was Perspective.  I have really used it a lot through all the events of 2015.  There were a lot of times I could have become overwhelmed and even over stimulated (which I used to do on a regular basis-it wasn't pretty) - but as those times reared their heads I was able to shift my perspective to see all the good and the gratitude kicked in.  This is how I want to always live my life.  Forever and ever.  Amen. :o)

So now 2015 is closing out and 2016 is rapidly approaching.  About a week ago I realized a word had been knocking around in my head and heart way before I even thought about asking for one.  A few days into this realization I actually realized this may be my word.  So I asked for a word and it was like God said, "Have you been paying attention?!"  HAHA!  I can be so lame sometimes.  And so this word is already kicking me in the butt and saying jump on board!  And I am - jumping on board - and it's only December 28th.  There seems to be a rush with this one.

Then today I got a text from aforementioned friend, Lynette, asking me about words.  She asked if I had one yet for 2016 and told me she didn't.  Then she asked me to get one for her and to make it good.  I told her to consider sharing my word because it seemed like a good one to share.  So we are.  We're sharing a word - my word - our word.  Already I'm getting to use it!

So here it is.  The word for 2016 is Connect.  Isn't that perfect to share with a friend?  I already love this word.  I think I've maybe been feeling a little disconnected as I sit in my house and go about my business.  I'm standoffish about making the first contact with people.  I tend to wait for them to want or need me.  So it stands to reason that if they are like me, we will never connect.  I think I may have to step it up.  Step out.  Get things moving.  We'll see how it goes.  Maybe I'll let the blog world know.  For now...

Happy New Year!  Feel free to connect with me!

Sunday Came

It's been a long time since I blogged.  I almost forgot how. I have forgotten that I love to write.  I've needed to do this and I didn't even know I needed to do this.  But here I am.  And it's Thursday.  I think they call it Maunday Thursday.  I'm not sure about all that stuff.  I've never been one to go overboard on Easter, but I never want to forget that all the events of this week actually took place.  I never want to forget that Sunday Came in all its glory.  There are so many things flooding my mind as I write this.  Short synopsis:  donkey, celebration, friends, body and blood, lambs, remembering miracles, a whole people who had been let go and set free, roosters, swords, dice, a sponge full of vinegar, mercy, forgiveness, compassion, thunder, darkness, perfumes, sorrow, tears, fear, shock and surprise, wonder, vision, relief, belief, disbelief, breakfast, peace...

I read somewhere recently that the Jewish people took the lamb into their home for several days before they slaughtered it and wiped its blood over their doorposts.  I wonder if that's true.    If it is, it reminds me of the disciples spending those last days with Jesus.  They were right there eating, drinking, sharing time and space with The Lamb.  No wonder they were in denial.  Here is this one precious, loving, kind, gentle friend celebrating and remembering that dark and miraculous time in their history.  Of course, you wouldn't want to think or believe that soon he would die even though he tried to prepare them.  Ugh.  Put yourself in that place, in their shoes.  It is completely overwhelming.  It changes how you see the story when instead of words in a book you place yourself there and imagine all the things that took place in that one week that changed everything.  It's good to remember that it is not only a story we tell to remember it, but that we are also part of that story.

I hate that we have taken such a remarkable story and cheapened it with decorated eggs, bunnies and baskets of candy.  We are stealing a rich and glorious story from our children.  I'm not opposed to having a little fun.  Not at all.  I rather enjoy using my imagination.  But imagine if we allowed ourselves and our children instead to imagine what it was really like when Jesus showed up on Sunday and threw a big party to celebrate.  What if they knew he would show up on their Sunday.  Some of our kids are living in situations that feel a whole lot like Thursday, Friday and Saturday.  Heck, some of us are living there too.  I have news for us.  Sunday came.  Sunday is here.  Everyday is Sunday.  He is here.  Immanuel.  God with us.  And to top it off we also have Holy Spirit!  The King of Imagination!  I never want to go back to Thursday.  I don't want to forget what had to happen to get to Sunday but I want to celebrate everyday like it's Sunday.

So let's go there and imagine heavily walking to that garden to sit by a tomb and mourn for your best friend and when you get there and it's wide open and there's nothing - no one - there.  What would you think?  Where would your mind go?  And then you see him.  He's actually standing there right in front of you.  Disbelief, rubbing your eyes, not wanting to turn away but wanting to turn away, relief that he's not simply gone, remembering the words he had spoken, slowly beginning to believe, wanting to run to him and never let go but being told to go and tell the others, ("what?!!  leave you?  No way!  Fine but don't move.  I'll be right back!")  And then running as fast as you can and bursting into the room where everyone is crying and wailing and sitting there still stunned and fearful.  They turn and look and they see you - you are ecstatic and glowing and full of joy!  They must have thought she was insane.

I wonder if anyone thinks I'm insane.  I want them to.  I want people to wonder about me.  Lately I haven't been feeling very full.  I have no idea why.  Maybe it's because I've lost my wonder. I haven't taken the time to sit and let myself be filled.  I've let other things fill my time and thoughts.  That's one thing blogging does for me.  It fills me to imagine where God fits in my life.  Or rather where my life fits in God.  Yes, that's it.  Where do I fit in the story?  Imagine a huge jigsaw puzzle of the most beautiful and amazing mosaic.  We are each a piece of the mosaic.  We fit right into our place.  Without any one of us it is incomplete.  Though it is still beautiful on some level, it is not finished.  Maybe some of us are not yet our full piece.  I know I'm not.  What if all the puzzle pieces are in place but they're not yet the size they will be upon completion?  They are growing and ebbing and almost there and then shrinking back.  Man, I could go with that picture and be there for hours.  

But I've rambled enough for one day.  So many thoughts.  So much love.  Sunday came.
 

Endings

Well here it is December 31, 2014 and this is my obligatory end of the year post. I have absolutely no idea what to say. Maybe it will just come to me as I go along. 

My word for 2014 was "move". I'm not sure exactly how that has manifested in my life other than I started doing yoga this year and I got a Fitbit. The Fitbit only served to make me realize how little I move and how well I sleep. Apparently I excel at sleeping! I'm sure no one finds this surprising. We did move upstairs and live there for approximately four months while we redid our bathrooms. I wonder if that counts. Let's say yes. All of that speaks of "move" in the physical sense, which leads me to wonder if I have moved any spiritually. At this very moment I'm feeling a little stagnant. Maybe stagnant is not the right word. I think the word I'm looking for is unmoved. I realize this is my own doing since when I think of Spirit I definitely don't think unmoved. When I think of Spirit I think flowing, blowing, moving, shifting, shining, growing, blooming, soaring. And there it is... Now I am moved. It's funny how all I have to do is stop and refocus to realize Spirit is all around me, in me, moving through me, moving in me and I begin to flow and move and shift and shine and grow and bloom and soar and blow through this life and I feel so alive. Move has been a good word. I'll carry it with me forever. 

As a side note I find it interesting that I
spent one of the last weeks of 2014 on the beach by the ocean watching flowing moving soaring blowing shining glowing shifting blooming go on all around me.

My word for 2015 is...Perspective. I think it's already started. 

Exercise

I have never been one to enjoy exercise much. Now I love a nice long nature walk, but I like to mosey along stopping, looking, squatting, seeing, hearing, smelling. Walks like that don't get your heart rate up. But they do get your heart – up. Walks like this feed my soul. To me there is nothing better than sitting beside a shallow stream full of beautiful rocks - each one beckoning me to choose it.  And I do my best to choose each one at least for a moment.

This past weekend Geoff and I went to see the movie "Lucy". It was a spiritual experience for me. I realize this is not going to be the case for everyone who goes to see this movie. There's a lot of violence and definitely some evil involved in the story. But the moments my spirit came alive were the moments where Lucy begins to develop into the whole complete person she was created to be from the beginning of time as she begins to use every part of her mind. I couldn't shake the feeling that this is what heaven will be like. Maybe not exactly as they describe it but on some levels I believe they captured some slice of heaven. 

It was weird. I walked out of that theater and the sky was bluer, the clouds were fluffier, the grass was greener, everything felt charged with anticipation. Expectation no longer held preconceived resentment. Expectation became hope. I want to see this movie again. There's some depth of truth held in its reels, truth I want to explore further like a long nature walk or a sit down by a stream. I may even want to own it. Then I can fast-forward through the evil parts - unlike real life. Hmmm...What if heaven is life fast forwarded past all the evil parts.  Nah. It's way truer than that. 

So what does all this have to do with exercise?  Well, exercise is "something done or performed as a means of practice or training; a putting into action, use, operation, or effect".  Maybe I'm being called to practice or put heaven into action or effect. That sounds cool!!

Prophetic Art

I recently had an incredible experience. I was asked to come and paint during a prayer session called Heart Sync.  Heart Sync is an inner healing prayer format that is designed to heal the brokenhearted by syncing or reuniting all the parts of your heart back to Jesus. It's really quite fascinating. I was asked to be in another room painting while the heart sync was taking place.  

The first time I did this was on Monday January 13th. During church on Sunday I had a vision of a heart that was pulsating and beating behind the worship leader.  When the preacher stood up and began to preach I saw different colored ribbons flowing out from the heart. They would flow out and and end up inches away from each person in the room. When I asked what the ribbons represented I felt like God was saying they represented the cords of lovingkindness that draw us closer. On Monday morning I knew I would be painting this heart. I grabbed a blank canvas and as I was leaving I looked over and saw a canvas I had previously painted purple and splattered some other colors on. I also grabbed it on my way out.  When I got to the church I was set up in the gym. The Heart Sync was going on upstairs. I pulled out my blank canvas but soon realized I was supposed to paint on the purple one. I began to paint the heart I had seen the day before on the purple canvas.  It was a blast!  When I had finished painting I left the painting in the room and went to lunch. Later I found out that it was exactly what the person having the heart sync had seen while she was in her session. Everything she had seen and experienced was purple.  God is so cool like that.

The next day they asked me to paint again. I arrived at my appointed time and the gym was dark. No one had turned on the lights yet. I was in the hallway on my way to find someone to turn the lights on when four the ladies who were at the Heart Sync training walked in. They asked if I was painting again that day. I told them I was and they asked if they could pray for me. Of course I said yes. As they prayed one woman said that she saw me surrounded by small children. They were swarming around me and interacting as I painted and that the creativity that I was putting out was being taken in by them. I thought that was pretty cool. I didn't know when or how that would ever happen. I'm not around very many small children, especially a crowd of them. As I was setting up a woman came into the gym and asked if I was going to be there that morning painting. I said I was and she said "oh okay". I asked if that was a problem. She told me they had Mother's Day Out that day and were going to have the children play in the gym instead of on the playground because it was cold outside. I said "bring them in!"  In just a few minutes there were about 20 one and two-year-olds in the room. They didn't really pay much attention to me because they were on the other side of the gym but I did get to watch them as they played and interacted together. It was too fun. As they left I thought that wasn't exactly what my new friend had seen but ok. About half an hour later 20 more kids came in that were three and four-year-olds. Now this was a totally different experience. They were very curious about what I was doing. They were all over me. It was so much fun! I was painting a picture of different colored feathers on a blue background. They had so many questions. And so many ideas like where to put what colored feather. They ended up being a very integral part of the painting.  I felt like the painting was portraying creative ideas that Are floating  in the air all around us. All we have to do is reach out and grab them. The lady who was in the Heart Sync during that time was released into creativity!  How cool is that!

That afternoon I painted again. I was messing around with watercolor paper and acrylics when a friend walked by and noticed when I was doing. She gave me a new kind of watercolor canvas to play on. I got it very wet and then took tubes of different colored paint and squirted on the canvas and rubbed it around with the tube first and then with my finger. Then I sprayed it with more water. The last thing I did was lift it up and let it drip. I called it "Heaven's Rain". I had an to meet my husband 4 an appointment so I left the painting sopping wet sitting there. About an hour later I received a text that simply said, "They are freaking out over your painting!!!"  That was exciting. They said they could see all kinds of things in the painting. There were eyes and a lion and a lamb.  I had taken a picture of the painting before I left so I got it out and look at it again. It was true. There were all kinds of things in that painting I hadn't noticed.  And again it perfectly matched the Heart Sync session. Everything the woman had seen in that session was multicolored!

I love how God works. He's mysterious and exciting! There's just no explanation. I am in awe. 

2014's word

I thought I posted this already but I see I didn't. So here goes...

My word for 2014 is "move".  Anyone who knows me very well knows that this word will be a big challenge for me this year. I am more of a sitting and being person than a moving person. The word move has many meanings though and already this year, and it's only January, I've experienced some major movement.  I've already had a colonoscopy which means the day before was a major day of movement if you catch my drift. ;o)

On New Year's Day, for another example, I was at a friend's house playing games. I found myself at the far end of the table and every time I had to spin the wheel I had to get up and lean over to do so. All that movement was lost on me until my friend's daughter heard my word for 2014 and realized I had been moving more than anyone else during that game that day. She got a big kick out of that. So did I. Even when we don't necessarily want to participate in our word, God has a way of making it happen.  I love that part.

I also began a yoga class. I've never really done yoga. I've messed around with it a couple of times. Normally I'm laughing so hard I don't really get much yoga done so it will be fun to see how this turns out. But it is a form of movement and I'm excited about it.

I'm moving right on into 2014. I really am  excited about this word. I love the way God uses these things to bring us closer. Really it's inevitable. If God gives it to you it will be used in profound ways. It's a matter of opening your eyes and ears and heart to the possibilities.

Happy new year!

2013 - Write/Right...Right/Write

2013 is coming to a close.  My word for this year was "write/right".  When I first heard it, I heard "write".  In my mind I saw "right".  Isn't that interesting?  As December descended upon us I began to ponder what that had meant for me throughout this year.  I haven't written anything to speak of - just a few blog posts.  I haven't journaled.  In fact, not much went on in my life about writing at all.  Instead I painted.  (Which is a form of communication I suppose.)

I was having a conversation about all this with a friend when it hit me.  This year has been about me NOT having to be "right" on so many levels.  It's been somewhat humbling and certainly more than a little freeing.  Isn't it just like God to turn it all around and make it something completely out of the box I had envisioned it in?

One day while I was doing laundry I had the thought "I don't want to put God in the box of my beliefs".  I don't want to have to be right because, holy cow - what if I'm not?  It could happen.  ;o)  I'll be the first to admit I don't know.  I do know what I believe in my heart but I don't have to convince you I'm right.  You get to have your very own relationship with God anyway you want - or not at all if that's your preference.  God is big and good enough to reach your heart without my yammering.  My truth is simply that - my truth - the revelations that I've been given.  And really?  My truth changes as more is given.  Every day I grow.  It may be something I read, or something I see, or something I experience alone or with a friend.  This change has become my friend - no longer my enemy.  I used to hate change of any kind - but not anymore!  Now I embrace it.  But it has to come to my heart.  I believe we are created with a "knower" - that part of me deep inside that knows, yes, this is true.  Trust me I come across a whole lot of stuff I know is not.  And when I do, I kindly decline the offer to accept that thought and move on.

We've had some conversations with the high school kids we work with that have driven this home.  I thought I was put in this group to lead them into some spiritual place of truth - my truth.  I have come to realize that they carry their own amazing hearts and beliefs and they have done their share of leading me - because I let them.  I opened my heart enough to listen.  Those have been the best of times and the deepest discussions and I have grown.

So here I am writing about right.  I love that.  The word was not a wash.  God is so fun.  I was scheduled to teach our prayer class on January 5th but had to reschedule.  I ended up doing it on December 15th which happened to be the last Sunday we met in 2013.  I talked about Journaling with God.  I think that is hilarious!  I got to tell them about this revelation I've had about my word.  I got to relive some old journal entries that blew my socks off all over again.  It was amazing.  I am so blessed.

So now I get to ask for a new word for 2014.  I think I've already got it.  I'll let you know.

The Missing of Them

As I prepare for our Thanksgiving celebration this year it has hit me - the missing of them. I have such great memories of family Thanksgivings. When I was really young all the aunts, uncles and cousins gathered with my grandmother. So much fun. All the cooking and laughing and eating and game playing and puzzle piecing. Big families are fun. Then there were the years away which were not as much fun - oh and the Thanksgiving from hell. (Thankfully only one I can almost remember. I won't go there. Suffice it to say I still can't see, smell or think about Southern Comfort. I've grown up I tell you.) After Geoff and I got married we began going back to my family's Thanksgiving. Again, so much fun. As the years progressed we started new traditions with "family of choice". (Love them so much!) But today I'm missing my mom, my dad, my grandma, my brothers, aunts and uncles and cousins who made family times memorable. I may be looking back with rose colored glasses but today feels tender. 

Being/Doing...Doing/Being

I've been trying to wrap my mind around Randy Travis Polk and what made him such a unique individual.  It hit me in the shower this morning.  Randy perfected being Randy.  He perfected doing Randy.  He figured out the blend of doing in order to be and being in order to do for him to be the best him he could be.  Now it's my turn.  For years I've been telling people when they ask me what I do (for a living) that I am perfecting the art of being.  From now on I will say I'm perfecting the art of being Candy.

I'm not sure any of this makes any sense to anyone but me.  But to me, and I think Randy, it makes complete sense.  I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination.  And neither was Randy.  It's not about being perfect.  It's about being the best you you can be - the best me I can be - the best Randy he could be.  And my friend Randy did Randy very well.

I miss him.

"AND"

The other day I was being led through a Lectio Divina guided meditation on the verse "be still and know that I am God ". The word "AND" stood out and shimmered at me.  So I sat with it. It was fascinating. So many things came up. I have lived my life as an "and" since the day I was born - Randy and Candy. Since the day I got married - Geoff and Candy. Even my name is an "AND" - C and y. See? Fascinating.

So what is it about this word "AND"? In some ways I see that it leads to the completion of things. After all what is a twin without the AND? And what is a marriage without the other half?  That got me feeling pretty good about myself. Even in the Genesis story God created male AND female in his image. It wasn't finished until the AND was added. Then creation was complete and then it was very good. (I just have to say I think that's pretty awesome.) But it also leads to humility. Trust me a level of humility comes from always being considered second. In fact, if you're not careful it can lead to insignificance which is something I've dealt with in my life. That's where balance comes in. Balance is the key. In many ways AND is a balancing word. It can lift you up or it can let you down. It's all about your perception. I choose to believe I complete things that would be good without me but with me they become very good. That may sound proud but getting to that point has been a profound journey for me.   

Back to the verse "be still and know that I am God" - being still is good. But without the end result of knowing God through the stillness it is empty. When you add  "AND know that I am God" - it becomes a revelation. And a revelation of God is always a good thing.

This is a page from my latest journal -page 1. It's my first art journal. AND I'm excited about it. 

Immanuel - God With Us

The other day I was invited into an Immanuel moment.  This is a moment when you purposefully settle yourself and ask God to meet you there. I immediately saw myself in a field of soft grass, surrounded by fresh new green on every side. I was lying on my back with my arms outstretched. When I looked around to see Jesus, he was lying beside me with his arms outstretched.  As soon as I was aware of his presence he playfully touched my fingers. (Yes, I said playfully. That's my Jesus.) I told him I'd like to lie on top of him. He smiled. So I did. That's when it happened. I sank down into him. It surprised me. And that's when I heard it again. "It's not the what you are doing. It's the who you are being." Immanuel. God With Us. God in us. Us in God.

What vs. Who

I've had a revelation.

I used to hide.  Hiding looked like DO-ing everything in my power to be invisible.  This included NOT speaking if I could avoid it, which I did, at all costs.  Then I was touched by God and came out of hiding and I was - wow - not hidden anymore.

When I came out of hiding I spoke, with my mouth, to lots of people.  Once at a local university during their chapel to about 1200 college students.  Once at a girls conference.  Several times at my church in different settings, classes, Wednesday nights, Sunday thoughts, etc.  It was a blast.  I got to the point where I would say I  never felt more alive than when I was in front of a crowd speaking.

Then those opportunities tapered off and lately I've been feeling like I was back in hiding because I spend so much time alone.  (Alone being a very relative term, because I know I'm never really alone.)  I've been spending time in my art studio.  It's a blast.  I really do enjoy it.  Then today as I was washing the paint off my hands I had the thought..."I feel so alive!"  It surprised me.  I thought I only felt fully alive when I was speaking.  So what was this?  

That's when I heard it.  The revelation.

It's not the what you are doing - it's the who you are being.

And I am humbled and astounded and overjoyed and, yes, more alive than ever.

The White Buffalo Christian Art Gallery

An amazing thing is happening in my life. Two of my paintings are being featured in the opening exhibit of the White Buffalo Art Gallery here in Abilene. The gallery opened last night. This was not just a grand opening-it was a huge fun incredible evening. The gallery was open, with live music on an outdoor stage, incredible food, as well as a sidewalk exhibit. I want to thank those of you who came out for helping make it such a great evening.

This is so crazy to me on so many levels. I first put a paintbrush to canvas last September so I've only been doing this since then. It's taken a lot of persuading on the part of both God and my mentors to convince me that I am indeed an artist. My whole life my twin brother Randy has been the artist in our family. And he is an artist and he's amazing. I was never encouraged in that direction by either of my parents I suppose because Randy so excelled in that area. In fact, I would go as far as saying I became invisible in any creative realm. I was the functioning person in our family. I was the one who cooked, cleaned, grocery shopped, did the laundry, kept the house going while my parents both worked. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't build up a resentment. That said, after years of inner healing work I've moved past that place of resentment into a place of creativity. And it's blowing me away! (Wow as I reread that I thought I'd written "palace of creativity" which I hadn't. But I like that! I've moved into a Palace of Creativity. That's where I live now!)

The way I go about creating these paintings is amazing to me. I don't touch the canvas until I have a clear vision from Holy Spirit as to what he wants to do. I really do feel like he chooses the colors, the form, the texture, etc. I've even watched the painting paint itself. It is beyond fascinating. It's a spiritual experience and I'm completely convinced that he's doing something in each painting. There's some part of his heart that he is revealing to me through the process. It's very humbling and precious.

So back to the gallery opening, when I walked up to the building and saw my name listed among the featured artists I was moved to tears. This is something I never dreamed I would ever see in my lifetime. I can't even say it's a dream come true because it's a dream I never dreamed. Not even 6 weeks ago. It's completely out of my realm of reasoning. It is so God. I believe I am right where he created and intended for me to be today. It feels really really good. Stop by The White Buffalo and share this miracle with me. They're open 10-6 Monday -Saturday. It's located at 2528 S. 7th, next door to the Natural Food Center. It's an incredible place you don't want to miss.

Lent

I'm giving up negativity for Lent. No wait-reframing - I'm receiving more positivity into my life. Positive thinking. Positive talking. Positive conversations. Positive feelings toward others. Positive habits. Positive food. You name it, if it's positive I am taking it on. I'm going to concentrate on allowing God to bring me more fully into the concept of being a new creation. I've borrowed negativity for far too long. It's time to return it. I no longer want it to be lent out to me.

I decided to start by not receiving the ashes on my forehead today. I understand the concept of Lent - "self-examination and penitence, demonstrated by self-denial, in preparation for Easter". UGH!!! I know I'm going to die, but I believe the Father wants us to LIVE now in the full knowledge and understanding of the amazing thing that Jesus did. I want to completely get the meaning of being a new creation. And I'm not sure I always get it. I don't want to go backwards - I want to go forward into his arms.

So if, as a bunch of Christians, we go around with ashes on our heads how does that draw others to him? Before I knew Him I was covered with ashes as well as a lot of other stuff in the spirit. I don't need to be reminded of that. So why remind people of their current condition? Trust me, they know. Instead I believe we draw others in with our love and JOY! That's what the world needs now. Love. Joy. Peace. And hope that when we die we're not just dead. Hope that all of this that we see around us is not all there is.

So today in the season of Lent I am hoping to return the things that don't belong to me anymore to the cross. They belong to Jesus now. He paid full price for them. I think it makes him sad or maybe even mad when I take them back. I am a new creation because Jesus loved me enough to change everything. I intend to receive that truth daily and turn my back on the ashes that covered my life before I met him. I am a creation of joy! Yay!!!

But God...

A week ago today I was offered an amazing opportunity.  Our Prophetic Art class was called up to the plate.  We were given the opportunity to connect hearts to God - to simply ask and listen.  I love doing this.  

I was at a conference put on by TSSM (Transformation School of Supernatural Ministry).  I've been a student of the school for the last 2 years.  I've learned so much.  I love the things that have come and continue to come out of it.

So here we were - standing in the front waiting for the next person in line to come on down. After listening for 4 or 5 people I found myself facing James.  He was a middle aged guy wearing a red jacket.  I asked him if it would be okay for me to hold his hands and say a prayer.  He said sure.  I simply asked God to show me a picture that would touch James' heart.  I immediately saw a campfire.  

I've learned enough to know that now that I have the picture if I will just begin to draw it and open my mouth God will fill my heart with His words.  So I did.  As soon as I started talking I heard the words "dying ember" and then the wave of knowing hit.  I told James I felt like the Father wanted him to know that under the perfect conditions even a dying ember could become a fire again - in fact a bonfire.  Perfect conditions - dying ember - bonfire - these words resonated in my heart for James.  

I asked him if this meant anything to him.  He stood there staring at me for a moment and then he said, "I bought a ranch to use as a ministry for burned out pastors.  It's a place for them to come and be renewed."  Then he told me that they had already had one pastor come who was completely burned out.  By the time he left he had written 7 chapters of a book.  We stood and stared at each other sharing a moment of glory.  I told James I believe God was all over that ranch.  I told him God wants to bless that place and he should just sit back and watch.  

The name of the ranch is Deine.  It's German for "Yours".  I love that.  If you know a pastor who needs a place to reignite, I know just the place.  And I'm really excited about it.  I have an email address for information. 

 

Happy New Year - Word Revealed

January 1, 2013.  Wow.  That seems so crazy to me.  I remember being a little girl thinking the year 2000 sounded so dreamy and far away.  Unreachable.  And here we are 13 years into it.

My word for 2012 was Hope.  That is a good word.  Hope is a good thing.  I know I gained more hope and hopefully I gave hope to others last year.  There is always hope because absolutely anything is possible.  Anything.

Every time the sun rises it feels like hope rises too.  And a brand new year - let's talk about hope!

One Monday I was at my friend Latimer's for Creative Monday.  There were 3 of us sitting at the dining room table doodling.  When we were finished we realized all 3 of us had doodled "hope".  That was very cool.  (Mine's on top)

Hope has been my constant companion all year and I am so thankful.  I fully intend for it to stay with me my whole life. I am not through with hope nor will I ever be through with it.  Old things pass away and that is a good thing - but hope never gets old - it's new every morning.




But now it's 2013 and I've asked for a whole new word.  And true to His character with me - Holy Spirit answered me quite promptly and then proceeded to keep haunting me with it until I "got" it.  My new word for 2013 is "Write".   Funny thing about it is that every time I think about it I also see "right".  So I'm going with Write/Right.  Or maybe it's write right or write about right.  We will see.  It's only day one - so much more to be peeled back and revealed.  I love the process these words put me through.  Sometimes it's profound and sometimes it's subtle and sometimes I get completely blasted.  I just love it.

So do you ask for a word too?  If so, I'd love to know what it is.  Who knows, I just may doodle it.  (when I'm not writing, haha!)  Wow cool things just came to mind.  Already this word is very interesting.

Happy 2013!

Soul nurturing

This has been an amazing morning. I sat outside by the fire with a hot cup of coffee watching the light and wind play in the trees, listening to the birds sing with Christmas jazz on Pandora. I could do this all day long but I suppose I shouldn't.

I'm having a hard time dragging myself out of this place though. It's December 2, it's beautiful out here, there are butterflies everywhere, it seems like a unique and special moment in time. So the question is, should one drag themselves out of this special place? Or should one just enjoy it as long as one could without guilt. I think I'll choose the latter. Content. Free. Feeling loved.

Merry-Go-Round

Last Wednesday I was given the opportunity to take a moment and purposefully seek a moment/memory with God.  He gave me a new one.  I immediately envisioned myself on one of those old metal merry-go-rounds they used to have at the parks.  I was wearing yellow.  Jesus was there pushing me.  He was wearing blue. (For some reason this is significant.) At first I was afraid He was going to make it go fast.  But in this vision Jesus is face to face with me saying, "It's okay to go slow."  

When I was a kid we used to go to a park near my grandmother's house that had one of these contraptions.  All the cousins would jump on and one of the older kids would push us and jump on when they got it going as fast as they could.  I hated going fast.  I was that kid who would get scared and want them to slow down.  I wasn't very popular on the merry-go-round.  I inevitably ended up on the swings.

But on Wednesday, it was just me and Jesus.  And it was okay to go slow.  In fact, He confirmed that it was okay because that's the way He made me.  As I've let this evolve, He has revealed the many ways this is true in my life.  I love to fully experience things and places.  I am totally content to sit on a patio in Switzerland and take in every aspect of the view, the company, the smells and sights and sounds of that place when everyone else is itching to rush off to Italy.  (I never made it to Italy.  Twice.  But I dont' regret one second of my time on the porch in Switzerland!)  I am totally content to spend the whole day, sun up to sun down on the beach, again taking in the sights, sounds, smells and not rushing off to go shopping.  And I am totally content to sit by a river and pick up every single rock, study it, wet it and study it again.  This is how I can take a 40 minute walk in Port Meadow in Oxford and stretch it out to 7 hours.  I was made that way.  And it is so okay.  He said so.

Rocks

If you know me at all, you know I love rocks.  I collect rocks.  I stack rocks.  I wet my rocks sometimes so I can see them differently.  I can't always remember why I picked up a certain rock, but when I wet it and it all comes back to me.  It's as if there's a mystery about it that comes to light when you add water.  I even smell rocks.  (If you want to know what God smells like, smell nature.)  Rocks make me happy.

Today it's raining like crazy here in Abilene.  This is exceptionally good news.  It's been so very dry and hot this summer.  But today it's raining.

It think God is wetting His rocks.